'American Horror Story: Hotel' Recap: Going Viral

Last week’s premiere of NOW That’s What I Call Horror 5 made almost zero sense. But! And this is a point that apparently needs to be made over and over again always: Horror doesn’t have to make sense. And to be honest? It shouldn’t. Like comedy, it’s a form of entertainment best left unexplained. Many people mistakenly believe they’re criticizing horror when it leaves them confused, but what they are really doing is acknowledging their personal discomfort with the unknown. There’s a reason we DEMAND answers and motives and airtight logistics from our monsters… These things bring us comfort and help to assuage fears that the monster could come for US. In presenting an episode of television devoid of rhyme or reason (or even proper structure), American Horror Story: Hotel straight up did its job. We were grossed out and unsettled, and experienced something as close to an actual nightmare as anything that’s ever aired on television.

So it’s with some surprise that “Chutes and Ladders” upended that strategy almost completely this week with a lengthy (1 hour and 40 mins!), explanation-packed episode. And while the onslaught of exposition did indeed drain a tiny bit of intrigue from the season, the answers we got were fascinating enough to be worth it.

Related: Get Caught Up With Our ‘American Horror Story: Hotel’ Recaps

Furthermore, this episode absolutely benefited from its extra length. Only two episodes into this season and it’s clear the creators are more serious than ever about going hardcore horror… Where Season 1 was frenetically edited and perhaps moved too quickly to build proper atmosphere, this one has so far taken its time in building up the dread. Its languid, almost claustrophobic scenes, the long tracking shots, the creeping shadows: All more than made up for any scares lost to reason. Also, you know, s–t was f–ked up.

“Chutes and Ladders” was horribly wonderful. Let’s talk about it!

We started in that unlucky hotel room where Blonde Max Greenfield had had a very unfun sexual experience until he was “rescued” by Hypodermic Sally. Unfortunately for him, it was now craft night.

So this was our first kinda-sorta explanation: Hypodermic Sally sews junkies into the mattresses! Because, uh, it’s a creepy metaphor for heroin? Maybe, who knows. But Sally’s concentration was broken by Swedish screams coming from the air conditioning vent…

Yep, the remaining living Swede was still trapped in that neon Iron Maiden, but now she was getting suckled by tiny Villagers of the Damned. When one pulled back and complained that the blood tasted bad, Kathy Bates scolded him, “It’s ‘cause she’s dead!” Which, fair. She had indeed died. This led to Liz Taylor and Kathy Bates throwing the Swedish lady’s body down a big trash chute where it joined the body of Swedish Tourist No. 1 and also the junkie that they’d discovered in their mattress.

From there, we were treated to a scene in which the Villagers of the Damned were drained of their blood as they played video games, which in turn was presented to Lady Gaga and Matt Bomer in a crystal chalice for their consumption. So THAT was a kinda-sorta explanation for how things worked around there. The kids were basically a blood filtration system for the rich blood-eaters in the penthouse. We obviously still had questions at this point, but at least the dots were beginning to get connected!

Then, almost as confirmation that the writers are super into Twin Peaks this season, we were treated to an appearance by Madchen Amick! She played the rich West L.A. mother who’d refused to vaccinate her child, and now Chlo? Sevigny had to treat him for measles. Not that we come to AHS for succinct debates about anti-vaxxer stuff, but this mom definitely got TOLD. But anyway, I was just excited that two of my favorite Shellys on TV got to share a scene! (Add in the turtle from Strangers With Candy and it would’ve made for a perfect trifecta.)

So then Wes Bentley woke up from a sweaty sleep (why you sleepin’ in button-downs, Wes Bentley?) to find two zombie ghosts humping in his shower. It was going to be that kind of night.

Down in the bar he struck up a conversation with Hypodermic Sally, who wanted to know why he didn’t drink anymore more. He told a story about the time he found a dead family. She mentioned the time she wrote a poem with Patti Smith. Except for one of them being a murderous ghost, these two really made quite a pair!

When a mysterious package showed up at Wes Bentley’s office, he had to call in the bomb squad to deal with it. But it just ended up being a blood-caked Oscar that had been used to rape an obese blogger to death, no big deal. The bomb squad offered to blow it up anyway, and in my opinion Wes Bentley should have let them.

Oh hey, Naomi Campbell! The hotel then hosted a fashion show in its lobby (because the new owner Cheyenne Jackson is a big fashion dude) so Naomi Campbell was suddenly there pretending to work for Vogue and hitting on Wes Bentley. Pretty much a normal day in the fashion world.

Then during a men’s fashion show that mostly consisted of leggings and ponchos, Finn Wittrock and Finn Wittrock’s mullet walked out drinking champagne and sneering at everyone. What a total bad boy rock star male model! As we all know, the fashion world is full of male models who are household names because of their bad ‘tudes on the runway, so this guy was ON POINT. Lady Gaga was immediately into him, and for good reason: He’s a rascal!

For example, this was how Finn Wittrock decided to quit the modeling business: by cutting his own face with scissors! Did he do this because he was out of his mind on drugs, or just a rebel? Both, the answer is both. Next thing we knew he was running upstairs rifling through Lady Gaga’s things like a coke badger digging for coke. But then Matt Bomer tried to strangle him to death and Lady Gaga stopped him, then he ran downstairs and ate a sandwich off a plate. THIS PLATE:

But his coke nose led him into a well-appointed room where he encountered this dapper dandy offering up some “Bolivian Marching Powder.”

It wasn’t clear who this guy was, but he was like a combination of Walt Disney and Ed Wood, assuming Walt Disney or Ed Wood enjoyed the care-free slaughter of bound and gagged women. Because that’s what this guy was into, just murdering women right in front of Finn Wittrock and Finn Wittrock’s mullet. Not the coolest hobby, in my opinion.

So then Wes Bentley’s daughter began hanging out with Cheyenne Jackson’s son, and together they went and took a gander at the glass coffins that the hotel stores in the empty swimming pool in the basement. And guess who was sound asleep in those coffins? The Villagers of the Damned. Which was awkward for the girl when she realized one of them was her actual brother!

The next day she ran away from home and snuck back into the hotel, where she found her brother playing vintage video games in that kick-ass rec room. She even attempted to take a selfie with him, but he tried to bite her neck and ruined the pic.

Also, I loved when she tried to run out of the room and encountered Hypodermic Sally in the hallway, who grabbed her and did this:

Oh, Sally. I know this is a cute thing to do to children, but please consider seeing a dentist, k?

At this point we finally got some BIG answers about whatever the F was going on with Lady Gaga and Matt Bomer. You guessed it: They’re vampires. But sort of a variation on the old legend… No fangs, no superhuman strength, susceptible to blood-borne illness. But they CAN live forever as long as they don’t get themselves killed. So then she turned Finn Wittrock and his mullet into a vampire and while they did tons of sex she explained more about her life.

For instance, her favorite era of being a vampire was back in the late ‘70s when she used to ride horses into roller discos and shirtless dudes on skates would hold her Rapunzel hair while she danced.

Also she was born in 1904 and had been sired by a very hot dude who was out of the picture for now, or at least until Dylan McDermott responds to Ryan Murphy’s texts.

But then Matt Bomer interrupted this sexposition (sex exposition, not sex position, but either works) and his feelings were hurt because he’d obviously been replaced!

That’s right, Lady Gaga had grown tired of Matt Bomer because he never wanted to “go hunting” at art openings anymore, all he wanted to do was binge House of Cards, so she kicked him to the curb! She had a NEW vampire in her bed now, and that vampire had a mullet.

Then Wes Bentley got sick and tired of not knowing anything, especially when his daughter ran away from home and then returned with a blurry photo and confirmation of his darkest theory: Holden was alive in the hotel somehow. This led to Kathy Bates sitting him down at the bar and telling him (and us) the history of how this cursed hotel came to be.

And that’s when we learned that Evan Peters (in his least-cute AHS role to date, though still showing his bare #butt) had been a 1920s businessman who built the hotel to suit his addiction to murder. This meant the hallways didn’t always lead anywhere, and there were easily accessible corpse-chutes. And though this very long montage was in black and white, it was still extremely grisly. Just tons of images of him slaughtering people left and right. Architects, lovers, random religious dudes: All were prey. (Also, that had him wearing the crazy mask in the hallway in the previous episode). And guess who he’d been married to back in the ‘20s? Lady Gaga!

Eventually he came to loathe God, and even vowed to murder God Himself! Which I guess explains all the 10 Commandments-themed murders he began to commit. But eventually the police finally caught onto him and he decided he’d have to commit suicide and also murder his beloved Miss Evers, the bloodstain-obsessed maid who was in love with him. (The look on Mare Winningham’s face just before he pulled the trigger was simultaneously hilarious and horrifying.) So then he slashed his own throat and died. Which, in my opinion, means he’s currently a ghost in the hotel, just like Hypodermic Sally. So, to sum up: Ghosts and vampires are this season’s monsters so far. Things were starting to come together!

We ended with Finn Wittrock and his mullet meeting up with a guy on Grindr who had both a long beard and a man-bun, then they started to have homogaysexual relations before Lady Gaga came in and the vampires ate the innocent man-bun owner. In the closing moments Finn Wittrock gazed at Lady Gaga and proclaimed he wanted more. Something tells me he’s gonna get it!

“Chutes and Ladders” may have been full of explanation, but this was a case where learning more about the hotel packed its own thrills. The hotel’s history was truly horrifying and I’m intrigued at this system of blood laundering the vampires have worked out. But really it came down to the casual, lush nightmare vibes this episode reveled in. At this point there’s no expectation AHS hasn’t somehow defied along the way. One of the most fundamental might’ve been, “This is scary but at least I know it’ll be over in an hour,” but no longer! AHS plays by its own rules and that’s what makes it truly special. And deranged and confusing and hard to watch sometimes. But always special.

What did YOU think of “Chutes and Ladders”?

American Horror Story: Hotel airs Wednesdays at 10 p.m. on FX.