Joan Rivers: Horror Stories from the Road
(Photo: AP/IFC Films, Seth Keal)
You may not know this, but Joan Rivers gets around. Our favorite comedienne is a member of the Millions of Miles Club. As in—she’s traveled million of miles in her lifetime. She has homes—and jobs—on each coast, she tours constantly, and flies to Pennsylvania all the time to shill her Joan Rivers Classics Collection on QVC.
This lady is a pro, which means she has some tales from the road that’ll make you feel bad for complaining about your silly old missed connection. Yahoo Travel caught up with Joan while she was prepping for Fashion Police to ask her about her life on the go:
How often do you travel—really?
Every single week. I am on a plane Wednesday morning to Los Angeles to work on Fashion Police and In Bed With Joan, and I’m back on the red eye to New York on Thursday. This is just my standard travel. I will travel somewhere over the weekend to do a show, and I also travel to Europe to do tours. I travel constantly.
What do you hate the most about traveling?
I hate two things: I hate going through security. I’m an 80-year-old woman. I am not gonna kill anybody with a nail clipper. What am I gonna do with nail clippers? Say, “Take me to Cuba or I’ll give you a manicure?” or “You take away my tweezers or I’ll fix that unibrow of yours?!” I mean, let’s get real. Also, when you stop having your period people stop helping you with your luggage. I will be in a plane in first class and they will sit and watch me push my rollie [suitcase] into the overhead and no one will get up. And then a 17-year old-model who weighs 90 pounds walks in and every man jumps up to help her put her water bottle up.
What’s your favorite airline?
Right now my favorite airline is American because they have pods in first class. To not have to be charming for hours and to be able to turn back into an old grump is such a joy. You don’t have smile, you don’t have to be polite, you don’t have to make conversation or look at somebody’s stupid pictures.
A first-class pod on American Airlines. (Photo: Mary Altaffer/AP)
What was the worst vacation you ever went on?
About 10 years ago I was with a [paramour] and we decided to trek in Nepal. We met the man who had done Prince Charles’ trek and we did the same trek—which meant you knew you were gonna see the great views and you were gonna be safe. And then Nepal airline—or whatever you call it—lost my luggage! And they wanted me to trek into the Himalayas with heels. I had spent six months, breaking in my trekking boots walking around New York like an ass—and they lost all my trekking outfits! So thank God I managed to get some stuff in Kathmandu. And instead of hats I had wigs. Which, by the way, are very warm!
According to Joan Rivers, wigs trump hats. (Photo: Rikkuliam)
You look like a Marx Brother, but you’ll be warm! And the nice thing about wearing a yellow curly wig is the village children follow you, singing, and begging for money. I was never alone!
Where in the hell did you find a yellow curly wig in Kathmandu?
We knew some Americans and they had a trunk full of Halloween costumes.
She doesn’t just travel. Watch Joan cook a mean matzo latke:
Tune in on Monday when Joan tells us how she had to bribe a stranger in Costa Rica who spoke no English to drive her 100 miles over dirt roads to the embassy in San Juan—and other harrowing tales from the road.