Why Is 'Mommy' Such a Loaded Word?
'Mommy & Me' yoga, anyone? Photo by Getty Images
During the sleep-deprived, hazy fog called maternity leave, I rarely gave much thought to my new identity as a mother. I spent four months in a secluded, suspended reality, a continuous loop of feedings, diaper changes, shushing, rocking, and walks on the beach. It was only when maternity leave was drawing to a close and I began prepping for my return to work (real life) that I became keenly aware of how dramatically my world, my sense of self, and how people perceived me, had changed. It started at the gym.
“You need to fuel your body with proper nutrition for energy, not necessarily weight loss — after all, you’re a mom now,” my trainer advised after I asked her for tips on losing the baby weight quickly. I immediately cringed at the word “Mom,” then felt incredulous at the notion that escaping to the gym to focus on myself (never mind with the goal of looking good) was somehow counteractive to my new role as mom.
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Reconciling one’s identity as a “mother” with how the world perceives the title is a phenomenon many mothers — new or seasoned, working or stay-at-home — face daily. And it’s one that Heather Havrilesky took on with aplomb in her much-buzzed-about essay for the New York Times, published Nov. 8. “Motherhood is no longer viewed as simply a relationship with your children, a role you play at home and at school, or even a hallowed institution,” she wrote in “The ‘Mommy’ Problem.”Motherhood has been elevated — or perhaps demoted — to the realm of lifestyle, an all-encompassing identity with demands and expectations that eclipse everything else in a woman’s life. …It’s tough to blame bystanders, though, when our culture is so besotted with all things ‘mom’ and ‘mommy’: ‘Mommy & Me’ yoga classes and ‘Mommy & Me’ mani-pedis and ‘mommy’ makeovers abound.”
It’s almost like a new facet of the “mommy wars,” but instead of women turning against each other, they’re now waging war with themselves. And it’s compounded by motherhood being practically viewed now as said lifestyle brand — rather than simply another hat women choose to wear in their lives.
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For some, the “mommy” label can feel downright demoralizing. “When a woman becomes a mother, she becomes, in a sense, a need-satisfying object for her baby, which is developmentally appropriate,” Dr. Bethany Marshall, a Beverly-Hills-based psychotherapist, tells Yahoo Parenting. “However, when women are simply labeled ‘moms’ in the outside world, it can feel debilitating because the expectations that accompany that label — eternally present, reliable, and self-sacrificing — can prevent women from evolving personally and professionally.”
What’s more, motherhood is often turned into a prescribed, one-sized-fits-all model. On the one hand, it’s outrageously aspirational — time-saving tips include creating homemade sushi rolls for kid’s lunch boxes, while beauty advice is chalked up to getting “seven hours of uninterrupted sleep a night” (Thanks, GOOP). Hollywood’s portrayal of family life, meanwhile, carries impossibly mixed messages.
“On TV and in movies and in modern fiction, mothers are frequently portrayed as protective yet focused on the trivial, wise yet neurotic, sexy yet sexless, monumentally important but deeply silly,” writes Havrilesky. And then there’s there’s the passive-aggressive nature of our news feeds — Instagrammed family brunches and carefully curated vacation photos, all of which make it tough for many women to feel like they’re doing motherhood “right.”
It’s a sharp departure from the societal script women were handed back in the day. “Forty years ago,” Havrilesky writes, “my mother and her two friends drank coffee, ate homemade cherry pie and chain-smoked their way through lively debates over whether a popular author was daringly frank or a chauvinist, while their children were expected to play nicely outside and rarely interrupt. Today, all three mothers might instead be engaged in some elaborate craft project, with each woman stopping the conversation every few seconds to open a little jar of paint or to help glue on some tiny eyes.”
As a result, without the freedom to define motherhood for themselves, the word itself has become practically vilified. “It bothers me that the minute you carry and give birth to a child, suddenly your identity becomes nothing but a mother,” Laura, 38, a mother of two who resides in Brooklyn, New York, tells Yahoo Parenting. “Like you’re suddenly compartmentalized into a ‘mom box.’” She adds, “When someone says ‘Hey mama!’ I think, Whatever, that’s fine, I am a mom, but the the other half of my brain screams, ‘Wait a minute! I’m not only a mother — there is so much more to me than that!’ Yes, my kids are everything to me, but they are not everything about me.”
The title can also feel bizarrely invasive. “There’s nothing more grating than the word ‘mommy,’” Beth, a mother of two from Boston, Mass., tells Yahoo Parenting. “Being a mom is a generic descriptor for one role I fill, but I am a ‘mommy’ to my kids — not to my coworkers or friends.”
And while life undeniably changes once a woman give birth, her sense of self worth shouldn’t have to change along with it. The key, Marshall advises, is to redefine motherhood as it pertains to your life. “Resist the feeling that you have to be everything to everyone,” she says. “Just because you’re sacrificing for your baby doesn’t mean you have to constantly fill the needs of others, as well.”