Victims of trauma or abuse may find themselves 'trauma bonding.' How to recognize it
Traumatic or abusive situations often distance or isolate people. But sometimes, it can also bring them closer in what is called a "trauma bond," an unhealthy relationship between an abuser and their victim.
Contrary to popular belief, it does not describe a shared connection between two victims of trauma.
"It describes a bond or connection with the perpetrator of abuse in our life," says Cecile Tucker, a registered clinical counselor specializing in trauma. "For example in an abusive relationship, one might start to connect with, understand or even become defensive of the person who is abusing them."
In order to heal from an abusive relationship, it's important to recognize what a trauma bond is and isn't.
What is a trauma bond relationship?
In a trauma bonded relationship, moments of distress and devaluation are often juxtaposed with intermittent positivity or intimacy, making it difficult to leave these toxic situations. The victim will often try to rationalize or justify the abuse they're experiencing and consequently form an emotional attachment to their abuser.
"Trauma bonding is when we connect and and associate the perpetrator of trauma or violence with love," Tucker explains.
When trauma bonding can happen
While it most commonly refers to romantic relationships, trauma bonds can exist in any dynamic with a power imbalance, including, but not limited to, situations involving:
Domestic abuse.
Child abuse.
Kidnapping.
Human trafficking.
Cults.
5 signs of trauma bonding
A trauma bond may be difficult to spot, because it involves a cycle of abuse and positive reinforcement, sometimes called love bombing.
Common signs that someone is stuck in a trauma bond include:
Dependency on the abuser.
Defensiveness, or making excuses to others for an abuser.
Rationalizing or justifying an abuser\'s behaviors.
Isolation from friends and family through manipulation and gaslighting.
Self-blame, or believing the abuse is their own fault.
Why does a trauma bond occur?
Not everyone who experiences abuse will develop a trauma bond. But Tucker says it can be a maladaptive way for our brains to handle or survive trauma.
Some victims of abuse may think, "If they understand this person at a deeply intimate level, it makes it a lot easier to predict how (the abuser) might harm you in the future. So really, it's a safety strategy that we are unconsciously doing in order to protect ourselves," Tucker says.
However, she warns that staying in abusive and traumatic situations for too long can have mental health consequences in the long-run, including an increased risk for PTSD, anxiety, substance use and depression.
How to break a trauma bond
Breaking free from a trauma bond can be a difficult, decades long process. But The National Domestic Violence Hotline offers some suggestions to those struggling:
Don't compromise the truth for empty promises:"It means being honest with ourselves about how our partner’s choice to behave violently towards us in any way has impacted us in the past, is currently impacting us, and may impact us down the road, without dismissing this reality."
Be vigilant and acknowledge what you're going through: This can mean writing it down to remind yourself later and reflecting on its impact.
Avoid negative self-talk: Instead, embrace "positive self-truths" by surrounding yourself with a strong support system. "Try something like, 'I’m smart, because I’m taking steps to empower my future at this very moment,'" the NDVH recommends.
Coping with trauma
If you are a victim of domestic violence, The National Domestic Violence Hotline allows you to speak confidentially with trained advocates online or by the phone, which they recommend for those who think their online activity is being monitored by their abuser (800-799-7233). They can help survivors develop a plan to achieve safety for themselves and their children.
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This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: What is trauma bonding? How to recognize and break the toxic bond
