Should the law recognize polyamorous relationships?

What’s happening

People in polyamorous relationships could soon have new legal protections in the San Francisco Bay Area if a bill currently under consideration by the city council in Berkeley, Calif. is passed.

The proposed regulations would shield people living in “diverse family structures” — including multi-partner families — from being discriminated against while seeking housing, patronizing local businesses or using government services. If the changes are approved, Berkeley will become one of a small number of cities in the U.S. to specifically afford legal rights to polyamorous people.

Polyamory, the practice of having more than one long-term romantic partner, is having a cultural moment. The topic has been explored in numerous long-form news articles, popped up in popular TV shows and even been the subject of a reality dating show. That growing awareness appears to be tied to an increase in the number of people who are practicing or open to non-traditional relationship structures in their own lives.

According to a poll conducted by YouGov last year, about a third of Americans say their ideal relationship is “something other than complete monogamy.” Data from dating apps like Tinder and Match also indicates that, while the majority of users are looking for monogamous relationships, a significant share are at least open to something else.

While this trend has sparked endless debate over the morality and practicality of multi-person commitments, it’s also given new energy to an emerging legal movement to gain more legal recognition for polyamorous people. While the term polyamory has sometimes been conflated with “polygamy,” these advocacy groups aren’t seeking to make it legal for someone to marry more than one person.

Why there’s debate

The words “family” or “partnership” can mean myriad things to people colloquially, but when it comes to the law, they have very specific definitions that typically only allow for two adults in a relationship.

Poly advocates argue that laws limiting a family or domestic partnership in this way leaves those outside that mold vulnerable to discrimination. Nearly everywhere in America right now, there's nothing to stop a polyamorous person from being fired, denied housing, or blocked from receiving certain benefits — like health care — because of their relationship structure. There are also examples of poly people missing out on inheritance or even losing custody of children.

Many polyamorous people also hope that legal recognition might bring a new level of legitimacy to their relationships in the eyes of the public and reduce some of the stigma they say they often feel.

Though public perception of polyamory does appear to be shifting, that same YouGov poll found that a majority of people still believe polyamory is morally wrong and oppose legal recognition for poly relationships. Opponents frequently suggest that poly relationships are inherently unstable and may be especially turbulent for children in multi-partner households. Many also argue that recognition of polyamorous relationships in things like housing law would be merely the first step of a larger campaign to expand marriage beyond two-person couples.

What’s next

Berkeley’s city council is widely expected to approve its new regulations when they come up for a vote early next week. It remains to be seen, though, whether the poly rights victories in Berkeley and a handful of other cities will prove to be the start of a larger trend or if the status quo will remain intact for the long term.

Perspectives

The question of poly rights is too important to be ignored

“Limited definitions of family are all over the legal system. Laws for domestic violence, rent control, insurance, and … inheritance rely on narrow understandings of the term, which often prioritize biological and marital relationships, and relegate other kinds of relationships.” — Michael Waters, The Atlantic

The law is built around harmful misconceptions about how poly relationships actually work

“For those on the outside, polyamory can still seem like a wild and irresponsible lifestyle—and unfortunately, it’s people on the outside who are making laws and policy for the rest of us.” — Abigail Moss, Slate

Society doesn’t have to legitimize every relationship style people conjure up

“Polyamory’s proponents censure those who remain unconvinced that mainstreaming such sexual perversions serves the public interest. We must celebrate each and every sexual aberration green-lighted by the academy, but condemn and exclude any whom the gatekeepers declare persona non grata for their sins against wokeness.” — Casey Chalk, American Conservative

Denying poly people rights isn’t going to make them go away

“I think it's just important for mainstream audiences to recognize that just because you don't understand it, doesn't mean it doesn't exist. There are people who are capable of having multiple romantic connections at the same time, and that is just a thing that is always going to exist, whether you like it or not.” — Leanne Yau, polyamory educator, to USA Today

Polyamory poses a very real threat to traditional two-person relationships

“We are at risk — culturally and legally — of monogamy becoming a continuously negotiated agreement between partners rather than a universally understood axiom of marriage. When that happens, monogamy gets harder for everyone to ask for and expect; it gets easier to question and devalue. Marital monogamy will recede along with the benefits it offers families and society. That’s a price we don’t want to pay.” — Alan Hawkins and Daniel Frost, Deseret News

All poly people want is to legitimize the commitments they’ve already made

“If people want to take legal responsibility for each other, that’s a good thing.” — Alexander Chen, lecturer on LGBTQ+ civil rights at Harvard Law School, to Boston.com

Without legal protections, polyamorous people have to hide who they really are

“This lack of social and legal acceptance has compelled many polyamorous people to hide their true identity from their coworkers, family, and even closest friends. The danger of living openly means that … polyamory hasn’t found a foothold in mainstream culture, which in turn has created a cascade of confusion about it that needs to be corrected.” — Caroline Rose Giuliani, Vanity Fair

Poly relationships are fundamentally unstable

“Jealousy is not an emotion invented by men in the 1950s or 1800s to control women. Both men and women are jealous creatures, especially about romantic partners, and we have been since the beginning of recorded history. … This is why every polyamorous community throughout history … has failed. Polyamory just doesn’t work.” — Conn Carroll, Washington Examiner