Searching for love? Here's what to look for in a partner.
It can be difficult to know what to prioritize when looking for a partner. Unsolicited advice from our family and friends can make this even more complicated because everyone prioritizes different things.
It’s important to find a partner that fits you.
It’s easy to get caught up in how someone looks, their level of success or their social media persona. These things may be important to you, but choosing a partner might involve looking a little deeper.
It can be helpful to pause and ask ourselves:
Are there patterns I am noticing among the people I am choosing to date?
What are relationship patterns I am noticing?
How have relationships been modeled by my caregivers?
Have I noticed myself re-enacting any of my caregivers’ behaviors?
How do I want to feel in relationships?
How do I want to show up in relationships?
What do I bring to relationships?
Irvin D. Yalom in his book, "When Nietzsche Wept," wrote, “I dream of a love that is more than two people craving to possess one another.” Before you begin your “search” determine what kind of love and relationship you dream of.
Building self-awareness about relationships can help us to choose a partner that aligns with who we are and what we need. Although they are not always easy to identify, the following qualities may be worth prioritizing:
I'm ready to resume dating:Can I date multiple people at once?
Trust and safety: A partner we can trust and feel safe around (physically, emotionally, spiritually) is crucial for a healthy relationship. A partner whose actions match their words, treats us with respect and kindness, and follows through on plans and promises will help us build trust and a feeling of safety in the relationship.
Communication and honesty: It’s difficult to have a deep relationship without communication. If someone is willing to communicate (even imperfectly), it means they want to connect. If you date someone who will be honest about their feelings, thoughts, beliefs and needs, it can help ensure that you not only understand the person but also honor who they are.
Self-awareness and authenticity: A partner who is self-aware will be more aware of how they show up in the relationship and impact it.
Vulnerability: The degree of vulnerability a partner is willing to embrace will dictate their degree of intimacy.
Committed (to themselves and the relationship): Finding a partner who is intentional about their own self development is invaluable. It’s important to be with a partner who understands that relationships require work and is willing to put in the time and effort.
More: Can your relationship truly recover from cheating?
Compassion and acceptance. It’s wonderful to be with someone who will approach our humanity and shortcomings with compassion and acceptance – and encourage us to do the same.
Comfortable with boundaries. Boundaries ensure that our needs are met, autonomy is protected and the relationship can thrive. Finding a partner who is comfortable with setting and respecting boundaries is key.
Has the same goals. For a functional relationship, both individuals need to understand, share and move toward a mutual goal. When the individuals involved do not strive toward the same goal, it can create confusion, dissatisfaction and a potential sense of betrayal.
It’s important to remember that no one can embody all of these qualities in their entirety – and neither can you. No one is perfect.
Seeking someone who genuinely strives to embrace these qualities ensures we are setting realistic expectations. Every partner will have flaws and shortcomings and it’s up to us to evaluate if these qualities are something we can accept and tolerate in moments of tension or disappointment.
All couples fight: How to argue the right way.
More: 'My friend is into me, but I am taken. Can we still be friends?'
Sara Kuburic is a therapist who specializes in identity, relationships and moral trauma. Every week she shares her advice with our readers. Find her on Instagram @millennial.therapist. She can be reached at [email protected].
This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Single? What to look for in a partner for a healthy relationship