Are you 'phubbing'? Here's how you may be self-sabotaging your relationship
Do you find yourself instinctively scrolling through your phone in the middle of a conversation? Or checking your email during a movie date? It's called "phubbing": the impolite habit when you ignore those in front of you in favor of your phone.
A portmanteau for "phone" and "snubbing," phubbing is often instinctive and unintentional. Many people do it to stay connected with others, whether it's through social media, texting or emailing, but it can have the opposite effect on those closest to you.
"Most people don't pick up their phones and say, 'Because you're talking, I'm just going to go on my phone,'" says Shamyra Howard, a certified sex therapist. "People are really connected to their cell nowadays, and we inadvertently and mindlessly scroll through it without even realizing it, which can be annoying to those around us."
Though it usually isn't malicious, phubbing can have serious repercussions when it comes to your relationships. A recent January study found that phubbing has become increasingly prevalent during the pandemic and can "deteriorate interpersonal relationships."
"It prioritizes the device over the relationship, and it sends the message of, 'This is what's more important to me in the moment,'" Howard says. "It's implying that what's on your phone is more important than the person sitting in front of you."
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Phubbing is a problem for both romantic and platonic relationships
Phubbing can be intentional, but often times, it's a "behavioral habit," according to Marisa T. Cohen, a relationship researcher and marriage and family therapist.
"It doesn't necessarily mean you're bored or don't care about the person," Cohen says. "We're so used to having our phones and being able to interact with people in real-time, whether that's texting, emailing or social media. So it's second nature to have our phone in our hands."
Though it's become a normal part of life, it may cause strain and tension in both platonic and romantic relationships. Cohen says it can fuel arguments when a partner consistently places higher value on something other than their loved one, and as a result, leaves them feeling unheard, undervalued and neglected. One recent study found partner phubbing to be associated with lower marital satisfaction with respondents saying the practice created emotional distance.
"Phubbing breaks the connection in the relationship, because all relationships — platonic and romantic — are based on connection, and you can't fully connect with someone if you're also connected with your phone," Howard says.
"If you're the partner being phubbed, you may think your significant other doesn't value your time or doesn't want to hang out with you, so it's natural to get upset or distance yourself when you feel they're prioritizing their relationship with the virtual world."
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How to stop 'phubbing'
Because it's so normalized, phubbing can be difficult to stop. However, experts suggested ways to actively be more present in the moment and with those around you.
Unplug from all technology: Howard says it's important to have conversations without any technology in the background, including phones, laptops and TVs.
Leave your phone at home: For chronic phubbers, make a conscious effort to avoid checking your phone when spending time with loved ones. This can include turning your phone over to avoid seeing notifications or leaving your phone at home during dates.
Talk it out: Depending on the relationship, Cohen says it can be appropriate to politely call out the phubber and remind them of how their habit is affecting you. If you notice you're guilty of phubbing, start a dialogue about it and tell those on the receiving end to hold you accountable so you can curb the behavior.
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This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: What is 'phubbing': The phone habit that can ruin your relationship