I lost Tommy Elliott—my forever person—in the Old National Bank mass shooting one year ago

I lost Tommy Elliott — my forever person, my best friend, partner to do life with — to a mass shooting at Old National Bank, one year ago. His chair still sits empty in the den and his car no longer pulls in the driveway. It’s like someone unplugged my life — it’s been an excruciating experience of loss, disorientation and suffering.

So I hate it when someone tells me that I still have the memories with him. It burns the reality even deeper that nothing else would ever happen. It was over. The music had stopped. There was no future. Life was in the past and it felt hollow and hopeless.

But I’m slowly realizing that memories aren’t only for the past: The memories are a bridge that helps me reach and sustain my connection to love. Meaning does come from being able to sustain the love after their death.

It’s true. Death cannot kill what never dies.

I watched my teacher get shot in 1993. I thought lawmakers would never let it happen again.

When my heart feels crushed, I remember the tenderness that made my heart expand in the first place. When my breath feels shallow and anxious, I remember his grounding that helped me feel secure along the way. When the joy has left me dry and alone, I remember his laughter that fed my soul. The grief, the wounds, the emptiness — it’s all there. And so is love.

Because love never dies.

This is my daily prayer

To my distracted, controlling, entitled and anxious selves, may I seek the wisdom that comes from walking through dark nights. May I continue to receive the gifts of grief to help my heart heal.

May grief continue to remind me to be kind to myself, to break through the armor of perfectionism, and to know and accept that my best is enough. May I remember that I am beloved.

I survived a school shooting in Kentucky — Gun violence in Louisville is a matter of when, not if.

May grief sharpen my perspective so that I live closer to my deepest values and priorities. May it offer me clarity, help me realize what matters and what doesn’t, and then let the rest go.

May grief deepen the well of gratitude in my heart so that I stop thirsting for what isn’t, and instead, am satisfied by the small joys of the day that simply are.

May grief allow me to gently let go of my expectations for others or what I want to happen in life. May it loosen my grip so I can relax and keep myself curious.

May I honor the unsolved questions and mysteries of life, the cracks; and look for the light that shines through them.

Dr. Maryanne Elliott is the founder of The Acorn Group and is an organizational development consultant with over 20 years of experience in professional development and coaching. She is passionate about developing and shaping leadership in others and also teaches in the Master of Science in Human Resources and Organizational Development program at the University of Louisville. Maryanne enjoys listening to people’s stories and their perceptions of the world. Nowadays, she is focusing on her own story with compassion, courage and the occasional yoga pose. 

This article originally appeared on Louisville Courier Journal: Louisville Old National Bank shooting took Tommy Elliott, not our love