Iowa's state capitol has a satanic holiday display. So why can't I?

I recently learned the Satanic Temple of Iowa erected an altar in the Iowa statehouse that features “electric candles and a caped figure representing the pagan idol Baphomet, holding a ribbon-bedecked pentangle and topped with a gilded ram's head.”

At last, I felt seen. Emboldened, I wrote the following email:

In response to the homeowners association’s protest of my 20-foot-tall inflatable satanic yard decoration:

Greetings, salutations and hail Satan. I have received your email regarding my constitutionally protected holiday decorations.

I understand my 20-foot-tall inflatable version of Baphomet – an androgynous human with wings and the head and feet of a goat – may not be in keeping with the neighborhood’s more traditional holiday decor. But I must protest your demands that it be “immediately removed” because it is “frightening and confusing young children.”

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Baphomet is a pagan idol, and I fail to see how it is scarier or more confusing than the Johnson’s outdoor Christmas decor, which features Santa Claus landing a helicopter atop an inflatable manger scene right next to a 12-foot-tall inflatable Grinch. That is not just biblically inaccurate. It’s downright ludicrous.

Yet it seems I am the only homeowner being targeted, apparently because some people can’t handle – looking at you, Bob – a roof covered in red lights that form the shape of a pentagram.

Before you attempt to sick the association’s lawyers on me for the crime of having a molded-plastic satanic altar complete with a realistic fountain of simulated ram’s blood, let me direct you to a bit of news out of Iowa.

According to USA TODAY, America’s No. 1 source for news on satanic holiday displays, a group called the Satanic Temple of Iowa installed a demonic-ish mirror-covered ram’s head atop a red-cloaked mannequin on the first floor of the state capitol building. The display includes the seven fundamental tenets of Satanism, which I personally haven’t studied. (I just like the aesthetic.)

Lucien Greaves, spokesman for the Satanic Temple, said the display isn’t intended to “insult Christians” and that he hopes people would “appreciate that it's certainly a greater evil to allow the government to pick and choose between forms of religious expression.”

I hope the Hendricksons read that quote and think about it next time they decide to yell at me and my family and our dog as we’re chanting in our black robes and feasting on the faux bones of our enemies before the great inflatable Baphomet.

While many in Iowa have protested the display, Gov. Kim Reynolds released a statement saying: “Like many Iowans, I find the Satanic Temple’s display in the Capitol absolutely objectionable. In a free society, the best response to objectionable speech is more speech, and I encourage all those of faith to join me today in praying over the Capitol and recognizing the nativity scene that will be on display – the true reason for the season.”

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If the governor of Iowa can’t stop a pagan idol display, I seriously doubt you buzzkills at the homeowners association will be able to stop mine. And in terms of fighting “objectionable” speech with more speech, I’d say Fran and Julio have me soundly beaten with their synchronized laser-light display that blinks along to Mariah Carey’s entire Christmas song catalog.

Look, you don’t see me protesting the fake reindeer horns the Picketts put on their car that sits in the driveway. (IT’S A SUBARU, JANICE, YOU’RE NOT FOOLING ANYONE!!)

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I have a right to decorate my home as I choose, and if I choose an LED-covered Leviathan cross (Google it) and a pit of burning sulfur, that shouldn’t make me a pariah.

I’m practicing the dark arts, the rest of you are practicing capitalism. I fail to see the difference here.

My 20-foot inflatable Baphomet will remain in place.

Most sincerely,

– Baalphegor the Annihilator

Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on X, formerly Twitter, @RexHuppke and Facebook facebook.com/RexIsAJerk

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This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Iowa Satanic Temple display insults Christmas as much as giant Santa