The 7 women's fashion items that men hate

You may have noticed the short trousers (cropped kick flares, in fashion terms) Theresa May wore at the Tory Party Conference this week. You may have thought, "Good for you, TM, some fashion-forward trews". More likely you did a double take, tried to defend her ringing the changes ("She's got the legs for it") and then gave up, because frankly they did look all wrong.

I tell you who will not have appreciated these trousers, and that is men. Some, after suppressing the urge to shout "Kirk to Enterprise!" might have tried to get their head around them. The rest will have been thinking: "Aren't they too short? (Answer: yes)" or. "Are those culottes? I hate culottes." The overwhelming response will have been bafflement because cropped flares are firmly in the category of Clothes Men Will Never Like (excepting architects and people working in fashion).

The items on this list barely vary from one decade to the next. Women's taste in fashion changes and adapts but men's doesn't budge: they have a fixed shortlist of things that provoke a visceral negative reaction, and another list of things they like, without knowing why.

The not-for-men list includes:

1. Clogs (wooden soles)

This must be connected to anxieties about rogue dental assistants, Nurse Ratched, and memories of colonoscopies. We think they're fresh and Swedish, but men genuinely find them disturbing. On the plus side, they really like anything khaki and militaryesque, particularly jumpsuits (it's a Hot Lips thing, or possibly a Maverick/Goose thing).

2. Mom jeans

By which we mean high-waisted jeans. High-waisted anything makes them nervous, perhaps because to carry it off you have to have a really small waist. Mom style, otherwise, they secretly like... as in those Sixties fitted cotton dresses Jessica Raine is wearing in The Last Post, swooshy Carmen-rollered hair, and matching feminine undies (minus rust stains).

3. Leopard print

This is one of those things women like and men sort of go along with, while panicking that it might be a bit Pat Butcher. What about Mrs Robinson, you ask? They didn't notice the coat, they were drunk on the stockings and suspenders, that's what.

4. Leather trousers

You would think, wouldn't you, but while women imagine these are slam-dunk sexy, men are not sold. They were partial to Emma Peel and Suzi Quatro in their all-in-ones, but that was different. Somewhere between the Beckhams' double leather act and Theresa May's big floppies, they lost the urge. They like a biker jacket though, so long as it's not too CHiPs.

5. Laddered jeans

These remind them of Bros - it's that simple. However, a bit of nick in the knee, now that they have seen it on Meghan Markle, is acceptable.

6. Oversized Aran jumpers

Very much In at the moment, but for them as desirable as Val Doonican. Unless worn with nothing else, in which case go ahead.

7. Giant shoulders

We are having a big shoulder moment, and the silhouette for spring 2018 is even bigger shoulders, otherwise known as the look that makes men think automatically of the Honey Monster and O J Simpson.

Good luck.

Is it just me?

Jennifer Garner has posted a picture of herself - make-up free, looking miserable and knackered - with the caption "You will never need coffee more than the day after Yes Day". (Apparently Yes Day is the one day a year when you say yes to all your children's demands, within reason). So many questions about this one. How do you define "within reason", especially if you're a Hollywood star? (Please don't try this, David Beckham, you will end up buying Harper the Maldives). And why do it if you hate it? And just why? Are your kids really starved of treats and liberty? How about Just Say No Day and see how that goes?

Is it OK to...

Feel a bit sorry for husbands all over the world in light of the latest intervention from Barack Obama? You may remember Barack was responsible for making "date night" a modern marriage essential (first blow to men who were hoping to keep it as "football and back to Jerry's" night). Now he has upset the status quo again with a surprise video message to Michelle, love-bombing her on their 25th wedding anniversary. On our last wedding anniversary, we got garage flowers, a Moomin (also from the garage) and a slightly sturdier padlock for our bicycle saddle. As of now, that's not Obama enough.