You're married. Now it's time to start dating your spouse.
When was the last time you and your partner went on an actual, pre-planned, just-the-two-of-you date? If you’re married — especially if you’re married and have children — perhaps it’s been a while. Caroline Chambers, a chef and cookbook author, recently wrote in her popular Substack about how, with three kids, she and her husband struggle to find time to spend together, and that's why they make an effort to “date” each other. But what does “dating” even mean when you’re a busy adult with a job and kids and a mortgage?
Perhaps the more important question is: How do you do it? How can busy partners, parents or otherwise, push past the wall where they’ve forgotten how to talk to each other about anything that isn’t work or the kids? Yahoo Life spoke with experts about why this is so important — and asked for their tips for pulling it off.
Why dates still matter
Tara Suwinyattichaiporn, a Kinsey-certified sexologist and tenured professor of relational communications, tells Yahoo Life that dating your spouse is about intentionally prioritizing your relationship. “It takes effort,” she says, “but the payoff is enormous in terms of maintaining a healthy and connected relationship.”
In fact, research published by the Marriage Foundation, which surveyed couples over a 10-year span, found that those who had date nights once per month had the greatest likelihood of staying together over the decade. That’s probably because, as Suwinyattichaiporn explains, dating your spouse allows you to step outside of your mundane daily roles: parent, worker, caregiver, cleaner of the kitchen, etc.
“It reminds you that, beyond all those tasks, you’re two people who chose to share a life together because you enjoy each other’s company,” she says. “When you’re dating, you’re not just maintaining your relationship; you’re actively nurturing it.” Plus, date nights allow you talk to each other — and studies show that ongoing, positive communication is correlated with marital success.
One licensed marriage and family therapist, Renée Zavislak, admits that the "date night" advice for married partners is a couples therapy cliché, but she says it’s recommended for good reason. “Perhaps the biggest challenge to married parents is maintaining romance and passion,” she tells Yahoo Life. Dates, she explains, provide the opportunity for us to experience the version of our spouse with whom we fell in love — confident, relaxed, put-together — as opposed to the more harried and sensory-overloaded versions of ourselves that many people become at home. When we step out of our homes and our everyday selves, we “can recapture our own romantic energy,” Zavislak says.
But dating doesn’t just help you as a couple; it benefits the entire family. Hannah Reeves, a licensed marriage and family therapist, tells Yahoo Life that she finds that her clients argue less frequently once they start weekly date nights. “Children are more observant than we think,” she explains, “and a more harmonious household will be beneficial for them too.”
Ready for romance? Here's what not to do on your dates
All of this said, there are ways to date your spouse that are more successful than others. Here are a few spousal dating “don’t”s from experts.
No kids. “Date night is about stepping out of our parent roles,” says Zavislak. “Make a pact to leave all kid-centered conversations at home,” she advises. “And absolutely no kids on the date!”
No work. This is your time to reconnect as a couple, so don’t get derailed by phones, emails or work-related rants. “Enjoy your time together with just the two of you,” urges Suwinyattichaiporn. That means “being present instead of letting your mind wander to work.”
No admin. It can feel tempting to use date night time — ah, the rarity of one-on-one conversation with an adult! — to discuss the bills or home repairs. But don’t do it. Date-night conversations should focus on “your hopes, fears, dreams, interests, pop culture or even just fun, lighthearted topics,” explains Suwinyattichaiporn. “This time should feel like a break from the day-to-day, not an extension of it.” If you get lost in the weeds of household admin, “the things that used to make you light up around each other just get buried,” agrees Reeves.
How to make the most of your dates
Luckily, when it comes to date night, there are many more “do”s than “don’t”s. Here, experts share actionable steps you can take to kick-start this important dating ritual with your spouse — and strengthen your relationship over time.
Start small. If you’re struggling to make date nights happen, aim for something that you maybe wouldn’t typically consider a date. “If money is tight, keep the start-up costs low by having a picnic lunch instead of going out to eat,” Jenni Jacobsen, a social worker and professor at Mount Vernon Nazarene University in Ohio, tells Yahoo Life. Jacobsen says that, among her clients who began a date night routine, the benefits of going for a walk in the park together or grabbing a quick coffee were about the same as going out for an expensive meal. “Even small attempts once a week had long-lasting effects on the health, communication and happiness of the marriage,” she says.
Make it a routine. Planning ahead is easy if you know date night is every Friday (or on some other regular schedule). So mark your calendars, and stick to it. “Being consistent with it helps make it a goal that can't be pushed aside,” says Jacobsen.
Find another family to swap childcare with. “One of the biggest obstacles to making date nights consistent is the cost,” says Zavislak, in reference to couples with kids who need childcare. So rather than shelling out for a sitter every week, “team up with another set of parents you know to trade off,” she suggests. One week, it's your date night and they watch your kids, and the next week you switch. “For couples who don't have extended family to lean on, this can be a critical community support,” she says.
Take turns. Date night is all well and good if it doesn’t become the burden of one partner and the benefit of the other. So, partners should take turns planning the outing. “The planner should focus on what the other partner will enjoy,” says Zavislak. After all, “part of the date-night magic is feeling wooed by our partner, an experience that defines the early stages of dating but is often lost for married parents.”
Talk it out. “Ask each other deep questions to find out what's going on behind the scenes,” says Jacobsen. “Laugh together as you remember old jokes or funny times.” But that doesn’t mean you should avoid heavy topics, either. “Talk about problems with respect, and try to fully understand each other,” Jacobsen advises. United problem-solving, she explains, will bring you and your spouse even closer.
Surprise them. Try an unexpected act of kindness, like surprising your partner with flowers or bringing them to a new place to try. “Routines get boring after a while, but spontaneity keeps things interesting,” Jacobsen says.
Step outside your comfort zone. “Passion is sustained by a little bit of tension, a little unfamiliarity,” says Zavislak. Maybe wear something a little more dramatic than you usually do, or try an adventurous activity like a climbing gym or a dance class that makes you just a little nervous. “Adding the element of newness to the grind of partnered parenting can breathe new life into a marriage,” she adds.
The takeaway
Dating your spouse is inarguably valuable — for the two of you, and, if you have kids, for your family as a whole. But it’s not about making elaborate plans or spending a ton of money at some fancy place.
“This is the time to reconnect, even if it’s over tacos at your favorite food truck,” says Reeves. “Just the two of you, rediscovering why you got together in the first place.”