Women Are Sharing The Life-Changing Lessons They Learned From Past Relationships That Everyone Should Know
Listen, dating is hard. Unfortunately, sometimes things just don't quite work out the way you hoped they would, no matter how hard you try. Still, there are important lessons to be learned there — both about yourself and other people.
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Redditor u/l_Monica asked, "Girls, what's a lesson you've learned from a past relationship to never repeat in your future relationships?" The wonderful women of Reddit had lot of advice to share — these are 20 of their best words of wisdom:
1."If he likes you, you'll know; if he doesn't, you'll be confused."
"Also, if you’re only interested in the ones that make you feel confused as to their interest, it's time to check yourself."
2."I’m not gonna be texting a guy to remind him that I exist ever again. If he’s not reaching out to me, it’s not because he’s a bad texter or busy or whatever — it’s because he doesn’t want to."
"This took me so long to learn. I 100% understand that sometimes we all need to step away from everyone. Even I need a day or two off from the world now and then. But when it's consistent, it's because you're not a priority. Which, OK, that's fine, but I deserve a relationship where I at least warrant a response, and they can't give that."
"I broke up with a guy after 12 weeks because of this, and he was gobsmacked. I'm sorry, but I don't want it to feel like a chore talking to my partner! Either we enjoy each other's company, or we don't. I shouldn't need to wait five business days for a response."
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3."You can end a relationship whenever you want. There is no rule saying you need to bend over backward or lose an arm to make it work."
"This includes ending a relationship because you fell out of love. There doesn’t have to be red flags or bad events to justify ending a relationship; you can just do it."
4."Be your biggest advocate, always. Don't stay quiet just to keep the peace. Nobody is worth losing yourself for."
5."I haven’t dated in about 15 years, but I remember in the beginning of my relationship, when friends complained about dating, and such, I always told them, 'It’s not complicated at all. If you like someone, you make time for them. If you don’t like them, you won’t.' Obviously there are exceptions where people let their anxieties and hang-ups prevent them from committing, but if you like someone, you’ll make the effort."
6."Pay attention to how he talks about and treats his mother. And his exes. There are some important hints there."
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7."If you feel yourself becoming someone you don't like, leave. It's not a healthy relationship no matter how much you 'work on yourself.'"
"'I don't like who I've become with you' was a turning point for me in a previous relationship."
"I have become an entirely different person since I began this last relationship. I’m moody, depressed, irrationally jealous, etc. Being with a toxic person can turn you toxic. Misery loves company I guess."
8."Always trust your instincts. If something doesn’t feel right, there’s definitely a reason behind it."
"Those little red flags that you feel you can explain away or justify will snowball into something much bigger further down the track. Always, ALWAYS trust your gut."
9."Assess every conflict between you as something you want to mutually overcome as a team. You are on the same side solving a problem together, not fighting each other."
10."It’s so important to have your own social circle."
"When I was in high school and college, my exes would frequently use social triangulation and make me feel like a shitty person. It's heartbreaking once you do manage to find the strength to end things with someone and you lose all your 'friends.'"
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11."Don't fall in love with someone's potential. What they show you is what you get."
12."If they’re giving mixed signals, leave. Every time a guy gave me mixed signals, they were just messing around and always ended up leaving. If they truly wants to be with you, they’ll do everything to prove that to you."
"I feel like we all know better, but we forget this when we’re infatuated. This is a nice reminder."
13."Don't try to manage or be responsible for someone else's untreated mental illness. If they are seriously mentally unwell and won't see a doctor and/or therapist, just end things. It'll end anyway, and it's better to save yourself the heartache and trauma. Houses make good fixer-upper projects, not people."
14."If they try to leave, consciously or unconsciously, let them. My boyfriend applied and was in the final round of interviewing for a job on the opposite coast before telling me it was even something he was looking at. I tried to cling tighter to him, and said I'd go wherever he went. Big mistake. If he’s not calculating his life with you, it’s not worth it. Let him go."
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15."I’ve dated people in the past just because they were interested in me, and I didn’t really have a reason not to go out with them (I didn’t find them unattractive, and I liked their personalities). So we'd go out and do all the proper dating things even though I didn't actually like them, and I'd basically convince myself that I’d like them eventually. They always turned out to be horrible, horrible people. Eventually, I figured out that my whole 'I don’t have a good reason for not liking them' thing was instinctual, and I should trust it. I did have a reason for not liking them; I just hadn't figured out what it was yet."
16."Being single is better than being with someone just for the sake of it."
17."Listen to how he talks about others when angry and how he treats them. If you start thinking they are abusive or start researching signs of abuse, it's never a good sign. Always listen to your intuition."
"There is NO such thing as, 'He just lashes out because he can't express himself properly,' or, 'Oh he just occasionally calls me a bitch or stupid in arguments.' Verbal abuse is a symptom of fundamental disrespect of you as a person. Don't be with someone who isn’t actively getting help for their anger issues and improving in real time."
18."Boundaries are absolutely, 100% necessary, and open communication is needed to put them. Right on that, if something can’t be tolerated in the long term, it shouldn't be tolerated in the beginning either. Once a couple gets use to things being a certain way, it's so much more difficult to change them."
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19."Take people as they are. When someone says something disturbing, don't assume that they are joking — BELIEVE THEM (and run as far as you can from them)."
"Don’t let your own sense of 'they're a good person' discard every single action of theirs proving they're not, over and over. I feel like sometimes we dig ourselves into a hole and make ourselves fall in love just with too high of a perception of someone else."
20.And most importantly: "Don’t hold in farts because you’re self-conscious. Your partner won’t, and you’ll just get a stomachache."
Women of the BuzzFeed Community — what's a lesson you've learned from a past relationship that you never want to repeat again? If you feel comfortable, share them with us in the comments below.
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