"I Prided Myself In It Until I Asked Myself Why": People Are Sharing Subtle Behaviors They Later Realized Were A Result Of Personal Trauma

When you're so used to something, it's easy to think of it as "normal," even if it's not something that's typically considered "normal" by others. This can include coping mechanisms or behaviors that have been developed as a response to trauma.

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As defined by Psychology Today, "Trauma is a person’s emotional response to a distressing experience." While traumatic events can include certain events, like parental loss in childhood, auto accidents, physical violence, sexual assault, there is also such thing as long-term trauma, wherein one "may develop emotional disturbances, such as extreme anxiety, anger, sadness, survivor’s guilt, disassociation, the inability to feel pleasure (anhedonia), or PTSD."

Recently, u/bffsfavoritegelato posed the question on r/AskWomen, "What behavior that you do/did, but never really thought about, have you come to realize is a trauma response?" And in response, many women opened up:

1."Remaining neutral. I don't have a favorite color or favorite food. I go with whatever. If someone ignores what I want, I rarely speak up for myself because I generally don't care that much. I'm the quietest person in the room. I live in the gray area, nothing is ever black or white for me."

2."Hyper independence. I thought that was a great thing until I realized it was born out of trauma where I could not rely on caretakers."

—u/WineCountryMonk

3."I can't stand abrupt, loud noises. They jar me emotionally and physically. It's a learned response from hearing my drunken dad raging at my mom. I used to lay still in bed, hoping the yelling and slamming would stop."

4."My parents wonder why I'm single and never date. Even if I told them, they'd never understand that it's a result of how I grew up in a house where the best way to cope was to withdraw."

—u/catsrule-humansdrool

5."For me, it was that I never had a negative answer. I never had an answer for things like what foods do I hate, or what are your dealbreakers. I was just always okay with everything — never rocked the boat, never considered how I felt about anything. It was wild. Now that I'm in therapy, I realize it's because my needs, wants, likes, and dislikes never mattered, so I never even formed them."

—u/rebirth542

6."Eating a lot. When I was a kid, my parents called me fat all the time and would say that I should eat less. My dad specifically would control how much I'd eat and shame me in front of everyone present whenever he saw me eating a meal. As a result, I would eat enormous amounts when no one was looking. Then, I'd vomit it all later, cry, and beg my mom/grandma not to tell my dad because he would beat me."

7."I am so defensive when expressing my emotions and feelings, as though I have to make a case for my lived experience. Even when I do have all the 'receipts' — all the reason to know my experience is valid — I minimize my own feelings as I express them, just so no one else can. It drives my friends crazy how I can't tell a story without interjecting every other sentence with, '…but it doesn't matter, '...but I deserved it,' or something to that effect."

"I'm reaching a point where I am genuinely exhausted with the gaslighting voice that I've internalized in my mind. I just want to trust myself the same way the people around me seem to." —u/PuffyCottonCandy

8."Reading people's behavior — especially the people in my house. I pay attention to their footsteps, their tone, and their expressions."

—u/Automatic_Total9696

"Hypervigilance. Sometimes nothing physical happens, but you can feel the shift in the air." —u/rebirth543

9."Having people feel extremely calm around me turned out to be a trauma response. More specifically, it was me keeping the peace. I never wanted anyone to be uncomfortable around me, which included compromising my own comfortability. I was so proud of it, too."

10."Shutting down emotionally. I thought it was normal for me not to react, not to feel anything, or not to express my emotions. I realized that I was like this because I was always emotionally abandoned as a child. I feel that it's useless crying for someone who won't be there for me. It's useless loving someone who'd eventually leave me."

"I realized that it's something I need to work on — to heal myself. And who knows, someday I might meet someone who deserves an emotionally mature version of me, who deserves all the love and affection I can give." —u/stillyou1122

11."Taking responsibility for other people's emotions. ??"

—u/ChocolateBaconBeer

12."Crying from conflict. Crying when giving my honest feelings or opinions. It's difficult to stop and to feel safe expressing my feelings."

13."I used to be one of those 'I'm an empath so I have to FEEL other peoples feelings, and, therefore, making them feel better makes me feel better' people. Actually, it was just me internalizing the idea that my quality of life depended on specific people being in a good mood."

"Because of that, I got really sensitive to others' emotional cues. I didn't feel secure until I knew they were feeling okay." —u/veganBeefWellington

14."Occasionally crying when I witness kindness and understanding because, on some level, I'm still surprised that what I needed so desperately exists and that someone thinks I deserve that."

—u/bffsfavoritegelato

15."I get anxious when people are super kind to me. I'm two months into a really great relationship with someone super sweet, and I spent a lot of time reflecting and asking myself why he was being nice to me. Is it manipulation? Is it love-bombing?"

16."My double and more checking, screenshotting so I can go back and check info, and doubt in my own memory, opinions, and self is due to my mom gaslighting me. I didn't even realize it on my own. My cousin told me, and I had a huge 'Oh, so I'm not crazy' moment. My distrust in my own perception of the world was due to my mom. I was praised for my communication skills, but they're likely due to me being intentionally misunderstood by my parents and them assuming the worst about me and me being autistic."

"I thought about it, but I didn't realize that trauma was the reason I was so adamant about putting in the labor to improve those skills. I'm coming to terms with how a lot of my personality and the way I am is because of trauma, and, oof, it's a wild ride." —u/bffsfavoritegelato

17."Constantly saying sorry and thinking I did something wrong. I've been scrutinized for a long time by my dad — if I did just one thing wrong, it would that mean I’m stupid with no brain."

—u/bella9797

18."Isolating myself when I'm upset or unwell. My mom was mostly great, but she ignored a lot of abuse that was going on between me and my brother (nothing sexual), as well as the subsequent depression that came from that. When I'm upset now, I like to shut myself off and deal with my own feelings — not talk about them. I also have a hard time talking about things that bother me with anyone. My mom would always get upset when I spoke up and retaliate with a bad mood or the silent treatment."

19."My brain automatically seeks out every possible outcome and plans for every negative. It's…not great. It's a useful but terrible way to live your life — always thinking the worst will happen."

—u/katybug86

20."I don't let anyone pay for me or put me in a position where I might 'owe them.'"

—u/Digital_Coyote

21."Justifying everything and only speaking up when I have receipts or screenshots."

22."Considering sexual acts to repay men and thinking I owe them for basic human decency. I'll spiral and think that's at least something considered valuable about me if nothing else."

—u/bffsfavoritegelato

23."Always on the defense. I can't stand to be wrong and even worse than that I hate to apologize. I think it's so shameful and embarrassing to make mistakes, even though I know we all do it."

—u/WickedMatcha

24."I am an obsessive checker at work. I constantly do things to protect myself. I worry a lot about someone publicly calling out a mistake I might have made and the sense of shame that will trigger. I was constantly humiliated by a close family member when I was a child and when I was in an abusive relationship, and it was always in front of an audience."

25."My excessive use of 'sorry' or taking the blame for things I have absolutely no control over but still feel guilt and shame over."

—u/Glitter21487

26."I don't cry in front of people. No matter the situation — no matter if it's a totally reasonable thing to cry over and I know that it is — I can't cry in front of other people. I have to excuse myself and make sure nobody thought I was crying."

—u/WickedMatcha

27."I have pretty bad bathroom anxiety. I also regress and shut down when confronted by another woman — particularly an older one. One of my bosses was an older lady. She was very strict but caring. Once, she made a comment after I messed something up, and she was upset with me. She could see my distress and reassuredly said something like, 'You're not a little girl, I'm not going to spank you or anything.' That's when I realized it was all from my stepmom."

28."I used to think I was really bad at keeping in touch with friends. I've realized over time that I have an unnatural detachment to people and don't allow myself space to feel much."

—u/mizmaclean

29."Being too detached to avoid abandonment, but then getting extremely attached all too quickly once I find that person who feels just right. Then, I fear their abandonment."

—u/PriorityZestyclose14

30."I get anxiety — become nervous, have shortness of breath, look for an escape — when there is perceived chaos around me, and I feel helpless to control the situation. Realizing that I had choices regarding whether I engaged in these behaviors was empowering."

31."Saying, 'I could be wrong, but...' every time I try to discuss something that I know. Unless I can pull up verified sources during the discussion, I almost never speak with confidence on anything. I also over-explain. I'm so worried that people will misunderstand me (because my brain works a little differently) and that they'll be mad or not like me."

"Another one is following rules. I have a lot of anxiety and fear about getting into trouble or being yelled at, especially from figures of authority." —u/NocturnalSylph

32."When everyone else is freaking out in a stressful situation, I'm dead calm and almost detached. People think it's impressive, and I used to buy into that praise. The stress typically hits much later when no one else is around — because when no one else is around, I feel safe."

"That's the messed up part. Perfectionism and meticulousness. I prided myself in it until I asked myself why. The answer wasn't pretty." —u/sharksnack3264

33."My intense and panicky need to get home whenever I feel stress or there's too much loud noise, etc. I didn't initially understand it because 'home' was never good to me. Now, as an adult, I feel immense relief when I get home. After therapy and some reading, I realized that being locked in my room, for years as a child, was when the overt abuse 'stopped' — at least I was by myself and didn't have to worry about anything else at that moment. So that turned into a need to return to my place, where I'm alone and the 'abuse' [stress] stops."

34."Dissociation. Since I was a kid, it's been such an ingrained and usual behavior. I never really took a step back to understand why I have this mechanism and how prevalent it is in my life until my psychiatrist diagnosed me with dissociative identity disorder. I've really come to realize how I subconsciously dissociated in difficult situations to detach myself from physical and emotional pain and feel like they weren't directly happening to me."

—u/MissInfer

35."'I think (when, in fact, I know) but I could totally be remembering wrong. Don't believe me, I have such a bad and unreliable memory.' If you flashback to my past, I'd recall something my mom said, to which she would respond, 'What? I never said that. I don't remember saying that. You're delusional.'"

—u/BiroAceDragon

36."Never 'picking' — not the restaurant, not the activity, not the people going, nor the time, the where, the how, etc. I always just do whatever everyone else wants. I don't really care and don't have strong opinions."

37."Replaying conversations or texts in my head, thinking about what I should or shouldn't have said or wish I could have said or what the other person is thinking now and how they hate me and think that I'm stupid and, and, and...Rinse and repeat."

—u/Sneakerkeeper123

38."Being able to completely compartmentalize things when I'm extremely stressed. During a couple of months last year, I was moving, working way too much, and not taking care of myself. Things kept coming up, and I would just go, 'Well, maybe I'll have time to worry about that for a few minutes on Tuesday next week. It's a thing that's wrong that I can't deal with right now.'"

—u/ncdeac

39."Food security. I grew up poor, and we didn't always have enough food. I remember eating a can of peas as a meal. As an adult, I didn't notice how I would overly buy and stock my pantry. I realized it when we were preparing to move and just ate from our pantry for three months."

40."I spent a lot of my childhood developing my skill at lying. I am good at it. Really good. I can count on one hand the times that I've been caught. I even learned how to pretend to be caught so that my parents would think I was a bad liar, and I could get away with more. I grew up in an extremely strict religious household where everything I said and did was monitored and judged. Physical punishment for minor infractions was the norm. It often went far beyond a spanking. I wasn't even doing anything that 'bad.' but in a home where everything is a sin, you learn to just hide. I hid through lies."

"I was in college when another student started talking about how spanking (and more) is abuse. I denied it, arguing that it wasn't. But I knew it was, and I knew that all my lying stemmed from wanting to avoid getting into trouble. It took some work, but that's not me anymore. It helps that I no longer feel the need to hide who I am or what I love." —u/FiendishCurry

41."Catastrophizing: When someone assumes the worst-case scenario or believes that things are much worse than they actually are."

—u/Chipsandcereal

42."The more therapy I do, the more I realize that almost my entire personality is a trauma response. It's a bummer, but hey, it's gotten me this far."

The National Alliance on Mental Illness helpline is 1-888-950-6264 (NAMI) and provides information and referral services; GoodTherapy.org is an association of mental health professionals from more than 25 countries who support efforts to reduce harm in therapy.