"I Woke Up And Realized Our Marriage Was Dead." Older Adults Are Revealing The Unexpected "Secrets" About Marriage That Nobody Talks About
We recently wrote these posts where older adults revealed the misconceptions about marriage that more people should know. In the comments, more readers revealed myths, secrets, and lessons of marriage that people rarely talk about. Here are the eye-opening results:
1."Embrace the challenges. My husband and I have been through hell. The one thing that kept us together was our commitment to each other. Every time we overcame an obstacle together, it made our marriage 10 times stronger."
"We've been married for 37 years and raised a family. We're almost experiencing homelessness and feel like teenagers again. I can't stand to be away from him. When I get home from work and look at him, I can't believe how lucky I am."
2."It's a myth that having children will bring you closer. Kids require so much time and attention 24/7! If you don't prioritize spending time with each other for dates and vacations without your children, you could lose the connection that brought the two of you together."
"We have been together for 32 years, and we have only had a handful of times that we had a vacation alone. Also, caring for the children isn't the mother's/wife's job alone; it is a shared responsibility. They're both of your children."
—53, Atlanta
3."It's important to realize that expectations will be met AND broken — sometimes on the same day. The little things don't matter much, and as for the big things, do NOT expect your spouse to be a mind reader because they are not. Put the issue out there and figure out how to fix it. The biggest myth is that marriage is happily ever after. It's something that grows, and it can last forever; however, there will be tears for sure from both of you."
"I was married young. My husband had just enlisted in the army during the end of the Vietnam War because he needed to support us. He retired as an Army Infantry Officer, and we have a wonderful family of children and grandchildren."
—67, Michigan
4."Live and work as a team. Enjoy whatever pleasure and happiness come along. Don't overthink it. And don't have unrealistic expectations."
—81, Indiana
5."It's a myth that a romantic proposal will make for a long, happy marriage. I remember asking my mother how my father proposed, and she replied, 'He never proposed!' Then, she explained that they had been dating for a while and started to discuss the future, what they each wanted and expected from marriage, and then they thought about it and mutually agreed to get married."
"It doesn't make for a great romantic story, but it's the same thing that my wife and I did when we decided to get married. We've been together 20 years, and we're the happiest couple I know."
—Anonymous
6."The idea that old enough = ready. BS! If you want a relationship, marriage, or sex because you and your ideal partner or spouse are both adults, regardless of whether you or, most importantly, they want to commit and deal with the consequences, you're wrong. I've seen one too many short-lived relationships and marriages because of this."
"I've been on the receiving end of this when I know I'm not ready or just don't want to."
7."A successful marriage will have ups and downs. Anyone who says they never have ups and downs is not being truthful. Bumps in the road can be handled if both spouses keep an open mind. Rarely is one partner responsible for 100% of the issues."
"Talk it out because if it's worth saving, you will both put it in the past."
—Anonymous, Florida
8."Stop falling in love with someone's potential. Just because they have it doesn't mean they want to use it. If you think they will change, you're already screwed."
9."Many people think that once children come along, life is about them at the expense of you and your spouse. Remember this: Children grow up and leave home eventually, but your spouse will still be there if you balance everyone's needs."
"I've been married for over 50 years and have an adult child who has been successfully married for over 20 years, by the way."
—50s, Virginia
10."'Don't go to sleep angry' is such crap. Go to sleep, and when you wake up, you will probably see the problem more clearly, be able to talk about it more honestly and give your partner more grace. Arguing when you're both tired and emotional is a recipe for disaster and resentment."
11."'Til death do you part.' After a 30-year relationship (26 of those years married), I woke up and realized our marriage was dead. There was no sex, a lack of respect, missing joy, and I felt like my wife didn't even know me or care what was important to me; she couldn't even form the words to say she thought I was even a little bit handsome. We took each other and our marriage for granted. I felt I was trying to grow while, at the same time, she didn't want me to change (no support)."
"She was at a stage where she just wanted to retire and grow old together, and I felt we were in a place to explore and grow as individuals. It took six years, with a lot of hard work from therapists and the support of true friends, to start to find out who I am. I realized my marriage took my soul, and I have now been reborn and in an amazing relationship. There's respect, care, open and regular communication, laughter, desire to make memories together, and yes, sex."
—58, Canada
12."Depending on who you are or what your desires are, sex can totally matter. In my experience, if you walk away from it, you can potentially enable not just the loss of physical intimacy but other forms of intimacy and togetherness as well. Even if it does not lead to infidelity, it can potentially lead to your partner — and yourself! — finding other ways to plug the hole. As a result, it may cause you to drift apart."
—58, Connecticut
13."We're from different countries and cultures, and it proposed a challenge to be together under the terms of immigration. We found we're so different, yet love is when you both want the other person to be happy; you try to make things possible. Love is a verb that you do for one another. You give 110%, not 50/50, to be together!
"Moreover, both of you really enjoy 220% instead of 100%, despite being individuals from different worlds. We’ve been in love together now for over five years with no ending in sight!"
14."After being married and divorced twice — a 'starter' marriage in my 20s that lasted under four years and a 14-year marriage that brought me two wonder sons, who are now young men — my advice is this: If you want your marriage to last, act like you're divorced. What does that mean?"
"1) Encourage and support each other in some unapologetic 'me' time.
2) If we're willing to work hard to be the best we can be to attract a new mate, why don't we do it to keep attracting the one we have?
3) Each partner MUST do their share of childcare. Draft a relationship contract to reach an agreement and hold each other and yourself accountable.
4) Talk to each other. Be curious. Ask questions. Listen. And be vocal about your needs and wants."
15."PICK YOUR BATTLES. A pet peeve of mine is that my husband always leaves cabinets open. I've often asked him to remember to close them, but he still forgets sometimes. But it's nothing detrimental to our family, so I just close them when it happens. I know other spouses who have said they've gotten into full-blown arguments over the same or similar minor things. Not everything requires an argument."
"And I know I do things that annoy him as well. Pick your battles; not everything is the hill you want to die on."
16."Showing each other affection is still as important as when we first started dating. Two kids and 18 years of marriage later, we still hold hands and grab each other's butt."
And finally...
17."Not every marriage is the same, and comparison truly is the thief of joy. My husband and I have been together for 15 years and regularly take time apart; my work schedule allows me to spend time away from home and take the kids to visit family while he stays home with the dogs and works."
"Our time apart makes us appreciate the time we spend together, and honestly, spending your life with one person is potentially for a long time — it's fine to spend time apart!"
Older married adults, what are some other "secrets" or misconceptions about marriage that more people should know? Feel free to let us know in the comments below. Or, if you prefer to remain anonymous, you can use this Google form.
Note: Some responses have been edited for length and/or clarity.