Why these moms refuse to do Elf on the Shelf

About a month before Christmas, many children find a new resident in their home: an Elf on the Shelf. By day, the small creatures spend their time watching how children behave. By night, elves fly back to the North Pole to deliver a report, only to return the next morning to resume their watch from a different spot.

Some parents take the tradition to the extreme, spending hours planning how to present their elf each morning and executing their plans every night after their children go to bed. Elves may make a mess in the kitchen, cover a toilet in wrapping paper or dress up like a princess. Some parents spend hundreds of dollars on supplies or pre-made kits with the props they need to make all of this happen.

But other parents resist the idea of the elf entirely, with some citing concerns about using a spying elf as a behavior management tool.

“I don’t love that [my son] would feel he is being evaluated every second of every day," mom Taylor Beal tells Yahoo Life. "He doesn't have to perform for us to celebrate the magic of Christmas."

A key component of the Elf on the Shelf story is that children believe they will get better presents if the elf delivers a good report to Santa. Traci Williams, a board-certified child and family psychologist, says she's concerned that when elves are used to control a child’s behavior, parents engage in empty threats. They often tell their children that if the elf doesn’t deliver a good report Santa won’t bring them gifts, which never happens. Moreover, the elf is only around for a month so parents need to develop other ways to reinforce good behavior the rest of the year, creating inconsistency. Children may even wonder why they need to behave if the elf isn’t watching them.

Zoe Kumpfmueller has resisted the elf in part because she believes it’s important “to give our children the message that they should try to be on their best behavior all year round, rather than just in the run-up to Christmas.”

Though Williams loves the holidays and believes that family traditions are important, she warns that leaning on a made-up story to control one's kids “may erode trust and the child might wonder what else you were lying about.” Asking children to accept the elf without question also discourages children to think critically at a time when parents should be encouraging this essential skill.

Another aspect of the Elf on the Shelf tradition she and other moms who spoke to Yahoo Life object to is the great lengths many parents go to create elaborate, Instagram-worthy displays, many of which require pricey props. Parent Sally Allsop warns that over-the-top elfing might not go as expected since it’s hard to stop. “Friends of mine have started it and regretted it.” Another danger according to Allsop: “One [friend] even said her child was getting up at 4 a.m. to see where the elf was.”

But given al the hype and the pressure to go all-in on the holiday trend, are kids who don't wake up to an elf missing out on the fun? Williams knows resisting this pressure can be difficult but encourages every parent to feel empowered to say “no” to anything they aren’t willing to do or don’t feel capable of doing. Instead, parents can emphasize the traditions their family does have surrounding the holiday or work to create new traditions that work for them.

Beal — who worried about her son being "evaluated" by an elf doll — recently had to tell her grandmother she could not buy an elf for her children.

“I do a ton to make the holidays enjoyable for my kids," she says. "I don’t have the time to add something that I have to commit to every night! And let’s be real — packing lunches and cooking dinner is enough to worry about each night without setting up an elf scene."

Young children may wonder why they don’t have an elf like their friends do. Williams recommends explaining to children in an age-appropriate way that they don’t need to act in a certain way to get presents. Amy Wehiher found an unexpected benefit to telling her son she didn’t need an elf’s help to keep an eye on him because he’s already well-behaved. “It's a confidence boost for him that helps any disappointment felt by not having an elf,” she says.

To make sure that a child doesn’t spill the beans to other kids, parents can explain that while they don’t believe Santa needs a nightly report, other families do and that’s OK. This approach can teach children that they should respect other beliefs. Another tactic is not to make a big deal out of the elf, or lack thereof. “When we make a big deal out of something, they do too,” says Williams.

And if the pressure to have an elf becomes too great, especially from your own child, Williams recommends using the doll like a decoration, free from any behavioral expectations. Parents can move the elf each night to create a morning treasure hunt, but they should be honest that they are the ones moving it around. Another low-key way to have an Elf on the Shelf is for parents and children to come up with ideas for new displays together, which they can create as a family.

Amanda Green says her kids, ages 4 and 7, haven’t asked for an elf yet but if they do she “will let them in on the secret and they can choose to move it around each day if they wish,” she says. “I think they know it is a game that the parents do.”

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