Why are teens calling out 'pick-me girls' and 'pick-me boys?'
What’s up with the “pick me” teen slang expression?
According to Urban Dictionary, a pick-me girl “is a girl who seeks male validation by indirectly or directly insinuating that she is ‘not like the other girls.’”
For example, eschewing female friendships or scorning the idea of makeup or classically feminine clothing to appear "low maintenance." According to one website entry, a pick-me girl “lets men walk all over her because of her carefree demeanor, only hangs out with men because they’re ‘unproblematic,’ exerts qualities/characteristics of her male counterparts that were not initially present to be more likable and relatable to them, etc.”
Urban Dictionary notes that “pick me” is an insult, adding, “This term intended originally to call out anti-feminine sexism has become sexist itself and ironically proves that the pick-me girl is in fact different from catty drama queens."
A pick-me boy, according to Urban Dictionary, “are types of guys that emotionally manipulate and gaslight girls by using self-deprecating language in the hopes of the girl contradicting them. They will often mention how ugly they are and wait for the girl to disagree. If the girl disagrees then they will take that (as) a sign the girl is into them and will be overly pushy (by) confessing their attraction or asking them out. If the girl rejects them they will become angry and say how nice guys always finish last and all girls are the same.”
The line, “pick me” is ascribed to a scene from Season Two of “Grey’s Anatomy” in which Dr. Meredith Grey (played by Ellen Pompeo) begs Dr. Derek Shepherd (Patrick Dempsey) to choose her over his estranged wife, Addison.
“I lied. I’m not out of this relationship. I’m in. I’m so in, it’s humiliating, because here I am begging,” Meredith told Derek. “Your choice? It’s simple. Her or me. And I’m sure she’s really great. But Derek, I love you. In a really, really big, pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me. Choose me. Love me.”
In 2023, Pompeo told former “Gray’s” co-star Katherine Heigl that her daughter and her friends say, “Ugh, she’s a pick-me girl” about those who say, “pick me, choose me.”
“Hello? Do you know who invented the pick-me girl?” Pompeo joked to Heigl. Pompeo also shared that she had actually opposed Meredith’s speech when she read the script, explaining, “Why would I beg a man? ... This is so embarrassing,” though it was one of the series’ most indelible scenes.
The phrase also went viral in 2016 with the #TweetLikeAPickMe hashtag in which people tweeted stereotypical statements a pick-me person might say.
The problem with “pick me”
There’s nothing wrong with rejecting or embracing gender norms if that desire is authentic to oneself, says Rachael D. Robnett, an associate professor of psychology at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas.
“The caveat is when we throw women under the bus for the sake of male validation,” she tells TODAY.com. “To call someone out for being a ‘pick me’ usually doesn’t work in that it makes people defensive and is divisive. So there’s a distinction between using the phrase ‘pick me’ as a social phenomenon and name calling.”
The “pick-me boy” concept is darker.
“It’s straight from the incel playbook,” says Robnett. According to Merriam-Webster, an incel is, “A person (usually a man) who regards himself or herself as being involuntarily celibate and typically expresses extreme resentment and hostility toward those who are sexually active.”
According to Robnett, “The strategy is to try to connect with a girl by saying something self-defeating and if she responds as a friend and not a romantic partner, the boy gets angry and says, ‘See? Nice guys always finish last’ as if they are entitled to sexual attraction.”
“Pick-me boys,” adds Robnett, “are one of the most disturbing gender phenomenons of the modern era.”
This article was originally published on TODAY.com
