Helicopter Parenting Isn't Good for Kids, But Parental Over-involvement Has Only Gotten Worse
The term "helicopter parenting" comes from the notion that these parents "hover" over their children and then rescue them when needed.
Unlike other parenting styles, helicopter parenting is not a philosophy that parents aspire to or join on purpose; it's a descriptive term used to portray over-involved parents.
Helicopter parenting has a few advantages, but mostly results in negative consequences for kids.
Helicopter parenting has been a thing for a while - and it's only gotten worse.
The term "helicopter parenting" was coined back in 1990 by child development researchers Foster Cline and Jim Fay in their book, Parenting With Love and Logic. "They hover over and then rescue their children whenever trouble arises," the authors wrote at the time. "They're forever running lunches, permission slips, band instruments, and homework assignments to school."
Fast forward almost 30 years and parental over-involvement has only gotten worse. In an expanded and updated version of their book, the authors note: "We have come to call them the 'jet-powered, turbo-attack mode' of helicopter parents," they write. "These parents are obsessed with a desire to create a perfect world for their kids...one in which they never have to face struggle, inconvenience, discomfort, or disappointment."
This kind of hovering can look a few different ways. "It can be physical, like stopping a toddler from running free in the park," says Elizabeth Cohen, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist in New York City. "Or it may take other forms, like asking excessive questions about a teenager's friends or academics."
The signs of helicopter parenting are clear.
And many of them might sound familiar. "Common characteristics of helicopter parents are incessant worry about safety, giving a child more restrictions than his or her peers, and feeling more anxious about the child's matters - like an upcoming test - than the child does," says Jenny Grant Rankin, Ph.D., educator and author of Sharing Your Education Expertise with the World.
Observing how involved a parent is with their child's schooling is a surefire way to know if they're a helicopter parent. "The parent knows their child’s current grades in each class, and the teacher knows the parent by first name," says Kristie Holmes, Ph.D., LCSW, of Thrive Psychology. "The parent also knows their children’s friend’s names. And, most importantly, they know their kid’s passwords and every platform that they are on."
The disadvantages of being a helicopter parent outweigh the benefits.
There are a few advantages to being a helicopter parent but they're small and short-lived. For example, when kids are young, being a helicopter parent might lead to fewer bumps and bruises. "For the duration of their childhoods, when the parent is present, these children often have fewer injuries," Dr. Rankin says.
And that's not a bad thing, Dr. Cohen adds. "There are times when our kids need us to intervene," he explains. "Kids need their parents as their primary attachment figures. They need their parents to be keeping a watchful eye, but they also need to know that the eye is from across the room and not over their shoulder."
When parental supervision is too close, you run the risk of cutting your kids off from important life experiences, starting at a young age. "The children of helicopter parents can struggle when it comes to learning boundaries or judging safety on their own," says Dr. Rankin.
"For example, if a helicopter parent never lets a child climb the jungle gym ladder, or is always narrating the process - saying things like, 'Watch your left heel, it's close to slipping!' - that child is more prone to accidents when operating independently because the child hasn't had the chance to navigate matters on his or her own," she explains. "These kids can also be prone to anxiety, sensing their parents' constant fear for their safety."
"They don't get to exercise the muscle of trying out problem-solving strategies," Dr. Cohen adds. "They don't need to figure out the life skills of how to get out of a sticky situation on their own."
As these kids grow older, they lack the skills they need to navigate difficult situations solo since they haven't had the much-needed practice that some of their peers have had.
If you suspect you've been too involved in your kids' lives, it might be time to pull back.
Take these steps to give your kids a bit more breathing room:
Get real with your kids. "Ask them if you've been hovering," says Dr. Holmes. "If they say yes, ask them to give you a few examples and try to work out a way to build trust without looking - literally - over their shoulder while you dictate their school essay."
Give younger children leeway gradually. Take them to a park or play space and let them roam free (so long as you can keep them in sight from afar).
Reclaim your time. "Helicopter parents are those that have both the inclination and the time to oversee not only kids' academic lives, but social lives and connection to the community," Dr. Holmes says. Decreasing your oversight means you'll have more time and mental space to take up other pursuits. Enjoy it!
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