What's your attachment style? Experts break down the different types
No matter how well you and your partner complement each other, you'll inevitably have to navigate your unique differences.
Perhaps you need constant affirmation from your partner in order to feel confident in the relationship, while they prefer to prioritize their space.
Maybe you struggle to feel secure enough to express your emotions, while your partner feels shut out of your inner world. These challenges can reflect differences in you and your partner's attachment style.
Attachment theory was originally popularized by psychologist John Bowlby, who characterized attachment as “lasting psychological connectedness between human beings.”
While his research largely focused on parent-child bonds, attachment theory has grown to explore all kinds of relationships.
Examining your attachment style can help you gain a better understanding of yourself, your partner, and your relationship patterns.
In order to form healthy relationships with others, you also have to maintain a healthy relationship with yourself.
Talking to a therapist is the best way to conclusively identify your attachment style, but in the meantime, doing some research can help you pinpoint the strengths and weaknesses in your relationships.
Read on to learn more about the four main attachment styles, how to recognize your attachment style, and what your attachment style means for your relationships.
What is an attachment style?
Your attachment style determines the way that you view the world and the relationships that you have. More than that, your attachment style is seen as a form of protection from anything that could be considered dangerous. “Your brain is incredible at protecting itself. So the second you feel like you’re not safe, the second you don’t feel like this relationship is safe, your brain goes ‘How do I protect you?'" licensed clinical psychotherapist Jaime Mahler tells TODAY.com.
As you are growing up and interacting with the people around you, your brain is trained to react to information a certain way. Sometimes the experiences you have can put your mind on defense-mode, causing anxious and avoidant attachment styles.
Different types of attachment styles
Each attachment shows up in different ways. They are typically broken up into four categories:
Secure: This is the most common form of attachment. It is seen as a healthy attachment style. “Your interaction with your loved ones, partner, friends is built on trust. It’s built on mutuality. There’s not like an over-reliance or under-reliance. There’s a very, stabilized, grounded sense of self and sense of security," Mahler says.
Anxious: These are the people that need a lot of reassurance in their relationships. “An anxious attachment style is basically where you’re interacting with another person and you’re reluctant to get close due to fear," Mahler says. Although they will still invest in relationships, their fears will be on full display, especially when jealousy or a lack of trust enters the picture.
Avoidant: This is seen as a distant attachment. From the outside, these people do not display much emotion, making it seem as though they do not care about their relationships. “[T]hey don’t really see the point in sharing how they’re feeling. They’re not gonna talk a lot. They’re not gonna say a lot of things. Like they almost, avoid the intimate dynamic because if they avoid it, then they don’t have to problem solve around it," Mahler says.
Disorganized: This is the least common form of attachment and can be difficult to pinpoint. “People with disorganized attachment tend to struggle quite a bit in relationships, often vacillating between wanting closeness but feeling that it is not safe to be close with a partner. This can cause them to be confusing to a partner as they may signal that they want a connection and then be angry or distanced when they get it," Jordan says.
How to find your attachment style
Now, for the fun part.
Truthfully, there isn't one specific way to determine an attachment style. Luckily, many of the online resources can be helpful in your introspective journey. On top of that, it is important to talk to a professional that has experience with determining different attachment styles as well.
“I think taking assessments that are validated can be helpful, along with sitting with a therapist and discussing history, your family of origin relationships or relationships with your parents, how you experience secure relationships or insecure relationships, and how that shows up for you today," Erin Rayburn, LMFT and mental health treatment strategist, adds.
Can different attachment styles work in a relationship?
In an ideal world, we would all have secure attachments. Unfortunately, that is not always the case.
So, can two insecure attachments thrive in a relationship? What about an avoidant and insecure person?
“I think it depends on if people are willing to work through things [...]. It can be good because it probably triggers each other. And again, if you’re willing to look at those triggers and look at those deeper wounds, we can grow and heal together and find more of that secure balanced space," Rayburn says.
In any imbalanced relationship, it is important to understand where the problem stems from and what can be done to move forward. If you feel like the relationship is becoming toxic, it might be time to talk to your partner about what is happening.
“I think if you really want the relationship and you feel like the relationship is worth it to you, then it’s always great to try to talk through things with somebody," Rayburn says.
Through this conversation, you may feel the need to enforce healthy boundaries. But Rayburn points out that this "doesn’t mean the relationship comes to an end," it's simply a means to an end.
Can you change your attachment style?
While attachment styles usually develop during childhood, they have the ability to change over time. With dedication and help from the people around you, you can move towards a healthier attachment.
While there isn't a clear outline for moving forward, the following steps will help get you there:
Ask yourself the difficult questions: "The first question would be what are some of the experiences that contribute to that insecurity? So getting introspective and reflective, you know, reflective and starting to maybe write those experiences down," Rayburn says.
Be willing to put in the work: “You have to put in a lot of work and that’s intimidating for a lot of people," Mahler says. "But you do have to really, really be on your game for the awareness of how you show up to dynamics.”
Talk to a professional: “I think a trained therapist will help us with those experiences, contextualize those experiences and prioritize where we need to go with therapy to create impactful change,” Rayburn says.
How attachment styles affect relationships in the long-run
So, why go through the trouble of learning your attachment style? While it may be interesting to figure out why you act the way that you do in relationships, it can often be difficult to understand just how impactful this can be in your life.
Although this is a personal piece of information, it affects the people around you as well. Learning your attachment style can keep you from hurting the people that you love, especially in romantic relationships.
"While this pattern may not be activated early in dating, the deeper the connection gets the more likely it will be that your childhood pattern will start to manifest. If you understand your pattern, you can take corrective actions to counter any negative aspects of your template," Jordan says.
This article was originally published on TODAY.com
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