Want, need, wear, read: Why some parents swear by this gift-giving strategy
Americans spent a record high amount on holiday gift-giving in 2021, even with inflation nipping at our heels. Last year, overall holiday spending reached $889 billion in the United States, and this year we’re expected to spend about $1,455 per person. In some cities, the projections are three times as much — Newton, Mass. leads the way with a maximum family budget of just over $4,000.
It's little wonder, then, that the holidays, especially for parents of young children, can become an out-of-hand exercise in one-upmanship, which can lead to unrealistic expectations. Movies and TV shows feature mountains of presents under the Christmas tree in this “more is more” era, and the post-holiday return to school tends to see kids comparing what Santa brought each of them. Cue the tears of envy and disappointment.
So how do we manage our children’s expectations, teach them about empathetic and thoughtful gifting and still bring joy and excitement into their lives during this magical time of year? It’s not easy, but some parents have figured out strategies that work.
Erin and Ben Napier, hosts of HGTV’s Home Town and parents to two daughters, told Yahoo Life recently that they subscribe to the "want, need, wear, read" strategy. Each of their daughters gets four gifts that fall into each category: something they want, something they need, something they can wear and something to read. “The most modest one will come from Santa," Erin added. "It's something we want to be conscious of because I read somewhere about kids going to school after Christmas comparing what Santa brought them. And the kids who didn't get such a huge, extravagant gift, they wonder 'does Santa not love me as much?' We're trying to shift the focus."
It’s also easy to see how a strategy like this can help with budgeting, too, as the categories don’t change and the number of gifts don’t change, but the money spent on each can adjust depending on how bountiful or lean the budget is that year.
Catherine Perez, mother of three boys in Orlando, Fla., swore by an even-more pared down version of this strategy when her sons were children. “They each got three gifts: something to wear, something they needed and something to play with,” she says. “My husband was in the military and I taught school, so money wasn’t always there. This way no one went away feeling like they got less than anyone else in the family. Now that they’re older, they’ve told us they want to continue the tradition with their families.”
My husband was in the military and I taught school, so money wasn’t always there. This way no one went away feeling like they got less than anyone else in the family.
Susan Gold Groner, author of Parenting with Sanity and Joy and host of The Parenting Mentor podcast, doesn’t love this approach. “It’s a little too specific for me,” she says. “What’s magical about snow boots? They would have gotten them anyway if it weren’t the holidays, right?” And what if your kid isn’t a reader, she notes. What does that say to your kid — that you wish they would read more, and you don’t care that they’re not a fan of the written word?
Groner prefers a more child-led approach to gift-giving. “Have your children give you their holiday gift list,” she tells Yahoo Life. “If there’s something you think is a little out-there, ask them about it. Ask them what about that item is appealing to them. That way you learn about their reasoning and even more about them as your child.”
She says it’s fine to make guidelines — how much you can reasonably afford, what new traditions you want to start, number of gifts per child — but her parenting strategies focus more on the individual child’s likes and dislikes rather than a rigid framework.
“The holidays are magical, and you have to find that balance between budget and joy,” says Groner. “If you’re going to use a framework like ‘want, need, wear, read,” consider amping up the gift a little with something more special than the everyday, like sneakers with sparkles or sequins, or a book that speaks directly to your child’s interests.”
Parents can also try a blended approach. Margaret Mair, who lives in West Valley City, Utah, with her husband and children, uses the “wear” and “play” categories as their gifts from Santa, and the rest are from Mom and Dad. “We parents each buy a gift for each kid, the kids get each other one gift, and together they get one gift for each parent.”
However you choose to strategize your holiday gift-giving, Groner says that the thrill of giving gifts is in the empathy for who your children are and what they’re loving at that moment. “Find out what your children want and why they want it, then give gifts that speak to who they are,” she says. “That’s how they’ll learn to be better gift givers and build a stronger foundation when they feel seen by you as their parent.”
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