How to Talk About Money With Your S.O.
You’ve seen parts of each other you wouldn’t reveal to anyone else. You’ve “gone all the way” on just about every emotional and physical level. But there’s one thing you and your significant other may not have done yet: speak honestly and openly about your finances.
Fewer than half of Americans say they’re comfortable sharing personal money issues or problems with their significant other, while 68 percent of people in relationships report that convos about money cause more tension than even those about sex, according to a recent survey from the financial planning platform LearnVest.
Here’s the thing: Knowing about your partner’s fiscal situation can actually boost your bond. In fact, the more often couples discuss it, the happier they tend to be together, according to a 2016 TD Bank survey.
The key is to hash things out before the relationship gets super serious-as in, when you’re just becoming an exclusive couple, before you decide to move in together, and definitely prior to tying the knot. Otherwise, you both run the risk of discovering eek-worthy things belatedly, says Amanda Clayman, a financial therapist in Los Angeles-like, say, the $50,000 online-poker debt or the fact that your mom still supplements your rent. And that can lead to anger, frustration, or resentment.
Done right, exploring each other’s assets can be a productive (dare we say, stimulating?) experience. Read on for how to bare your dollars-and-cents status.
Set the Mood
Send a text that’s playful but has a specific ask: “Hey, you. I’ve been thinking about my moolah, and I’d love to chat with you about it.” Remember that even though this might be an initial, quick convo, you should still pick a night when you don’t have anything else going on. Meet up at one of your go-to places, so you can have maximum privacy.
Come Prepared
Think ahead about the topics you want to cover, says money therapist Kristin Sutton, founder of the site Debt Free Black Girl. For example:
If you’re just starting to get serious…plan to share how much money you each make, so that you can figure out how to split expenses in a way that makes sense for both of your budgets.
If you’re moving in together…be ready to ask and dish about credit scores, whether or not you pay your bills on time, and any major savings accounts-all vital factors in a new apartment or house search.
If you’re talking marriage…you’ll also need to reveal any big debts or student loans, investment accounts, and any dirty financial secrets. (When you apply for joint accounts or mortgages, it’s all gonna come out anyway.)
Regardless of what your relationship status is, you may want to prep a few deeper Qs, like, “Do you prefer to save or live in the moment? What’s the dumbest financial blunder you’ve made? What’s one thing you’ll always be willing to spend cash on?” The answers will help you align big--picture on how to deal with money. And remember, whatever questions you ask, you also have to answer.
Initiate Intimacy
Night of, start off by telling your mate a few things you love about them, financially. Once you’re both warmed up, go for the bigger questions and reveals. “I make X amount of money, and I try to save Y amount per month. How about you?” Or “Sorry, babe, but here are my financial weak spots.…” Then when it’s their turn, don’t judge or smirk at their deep, dark secrets. Instead, calmly ask follow-up questions, like “Are you hoping to start saving more soon?”
Finish Together
Here’s where you decide to make money moves…as a couple. If your lurve is fresh, figure out who will pay for meals and how often, or set a savings goal for your first vacay. If you’re new roomies, consider a joint bank account for things like groceries, and decide who contributes what. If you’re getting married, make a plan for paying off your credit-card debt, and figure out how much you can reasonably afford to shell out for a wedding.
If your partner seems unwilling to discuss sticky issues, gently suggest you both seek outside help from a financial therapist, says Clayman. And-warning!-if they're hostile or accusatory toward you, that may be a red flag for more than just money drama. Ask yourself if you can be with someone who doesn’t take all your concerns seriously.
For more money tips, pick up the new issue of Cosmopolitan, on newsstands now, or click here to subscribe to the digital edition!
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