I'm the only liberal in my family. Here's how I deal with it.

My family and I have one argument per election season. We don’t schedule it. But it happens so I just anticipate it. It’s usually a minor squabble, a back and forth over the prospective candidates.

This year it was over Donald Trump as a candidate. I kicked things off by saying I could never vote for him, as he tried to steal an election. That, beyond all other issues, is the biggest deal breaker to me. They disagreed. We had a heated discussion and moved on with our day just fine.

As you may have already guessed, I grew up in a conservative family, going to church every Sunday. My dad was in the military. I wouldn’t describe my childhood as being a form of indoctrination. In my teenage years, I felt drawn away from many of the beliefs my family touted. They just didn’t pass logical tests and misaligned with my values.

Many of you reading this deal with the same issue — especially now as we sit six weeks out from another contentious and close election.

Human connections are critical for our long term happiness and wellbeing. And it’s hard to replace the natural, deep connections we have with our immediate family. Here’s how I’ve navigated life as a political outsider in my own family.

A little context to help

My family is very political. My dad was a Trump appointee and my mom is a hardcore Trumper. Anytime I’m in the house, Fox News or One America News is blasting on multiple TVs. Politics is always on the table. Even further, my extended family also largely aligns with my parents on these views.

The chief challenge with being inundated with contrary politics, is that there are endless opportunities to take the bait and get into it with someone. There are always opinions and comments flying around that make me bristle in my seat. And sometimes, they aren’t even about policy.

For example, I’m a former swimmer so I sometimes watch old documentaries on swimming. I was watching a speech by Ian Thorpe, the super famous australian swimmer. He gave this heartfelt talk about how he’d been in the closet for much of his career, and how he was forced to hide who he was. He then talked about the freedom it gave him to finally come out of the closet, and live his life. It was an inspiring talk and wasn’t given from a place of moral superiority. He made me understand the true terror of being the closeted gay guy, and fearing widespread condemnation.

The following day, I had a conversation with an older relative, and decided to mention this talk I’d listened to. This older relative was a former swimmer and knew of Ian Thorpe. Well, shortly after mentioning Ian’s name, and before I could even get to the story, the relative interjected, “Yeah, but I didn’t know Ian was gay. That’s so weird.” He said it with utter disdain and it took the wind out of my sails. I paused and just said, “Yeah, nevermind.” I realized the story wasn’t worth sharing with him.

Could I have chosen to argue with him right there? Perhaps. But this wasn’t a relative I saw all that often, and I don’t know that me calling him out would have helped the cookout that much, but it was tempting.

I’ve been in this position so many times. I’ve had debates with relatives, especially when I was younger and more impassioned and sure of my views. Sometimes, the conversations went OK. Other times, they went off the rails and things are still weird with those relatives.

Every year we have a dinner where we host our extended family and there are two pairs of uncles and aunts. One uncle and aunt are from Florida. They are conservative and also attend church regularly. The aunt helped fundraise for Trump’s campaign. The husband is a strict military pilot who doesn’t love Trump but always votes Republican.

The other uncle and aunt are from New Hampshire. They’re your typical crunchy granola liberals who love hiking and nature conservation. They met in the Peace Corps decades ago while serving in Zimbabwe (if that isn’t a liberal love story, I don’t know what is).

These two couples were sitting across from each other, further down the dinner table, and I noticed something quite interesting that night. The conservative aunt had her cross necklace on. The liberal aunt had a necklace with the shape of Africa on it.

The four of them were having a lovely conversation, seeming to enjoy each other’s company without issue. They were smiling and laughing. Nobody was bringing up politics. This was novel and interesting because, just by my knowing them, I knew that both of those couples loved to talk politics. They can’t get away from it. Yet there they were, seeming to enjoy each other without having a blowout.

And I realized this was a healthy approach to the situation. It was a reminder that we don’t have to talk politics with family members we disagree with. If you watch enough media, it will feel like politics is the only thing in life.

How I’ve stopped resenting relatives

The thing that really helped reduce my tension and animosity was the realization that political views form through a fairly complex process.

Political view formation comes down to three major driving forces. The first, political socialization, refers to the people and place someone grew up around. For example, I lived all over the country for my dad’s military career. I noticed a stark difference between people in small towns in the south, versus big cities in the north. I also noticed a peculiar trend that I didn’t quite identify with: people having the same opinions as their parents. If the parents were pro-life, the children often were too. Conversely, my spouse and her family are very liberal. They are from Upstate New York and that’s just how many people are in that region.

The second driver accounts for exceptions to political socialization (I am one): embedded personality traits. Liberal leaning people tend to score high on openness to new experience and are more agreeable. Conservatives favor order and predictability. They also scored higher on introversion.

I’ve come to accept that — between where someone grows up, and their natural personality — some people are just born on the path towards a certain ideology. This realization has increased my tolerance for people’s questionable politics.

Lastly, there’s the lived experience. My former boss had two relatives who were shot in the Tree of Life Synagogue shooting. Prior to this event, she was relatively apolitical. After, she became quite outspoken against guns in America — and understandably so.

The point I’m getting at is — you don’t know what’s going on under the hood with someone. That outspoken person with opinions you vehemently disagree with, may have experienced something in their life that drove them to this position.

My big idea is to get away from snap judgements about people, to not fall into good versus evil thinking. It’s deceptively easy to begin thinking you are on a moral crusade. I try to remember that it’s entirely possible I’m wrong about some of the things I believe.

A few precautions on discussing politics

I will note that all my guidance only applies to in person conversations. I don’t discuss political matters and have back and forths with people on the internet. There’s an old concept called Godwin’s law, which is more an anecdotal and light-hearted take, but still holds some truth. It states that as an internet argument continues, the odds of someone comparing their opponent to Hitler approaches 100%.

Sadly, this law seemingly applies to real life discussions in some cases. One of my rules is that I don’t allow people to raise their voice, family or not. If someone starts shouting, I end the discussion. Shouting is a form of verbal abuse, full-stop.

However, if someone starts getting upset (but isn’t shouting), I borrow a lesson from Dr. Adam Grant’s book on persuasion, Think Again. In it, he suggests you can deescalate an argument by having a conversation about the conversation. You side step and show curiosity for their perspective, and why they’re upset. It’s more effective than continuing down the same path with a relative who is spiraling out.

It isn’t easy being the liberal guy in my family. But I’ve learned to navigate it. I’d encourage those of you in these shoes to harbor empathy for people. Remember that you don’t know everything about how a person came to believe these things. Resist good versus evil thinking and judgements. Remember that the formation of political views is a complex process.

Lastly, as a challenge for you, try to be friends with someone of a different viewpoint. They don’t need to be an extremist. Just different. The world is becoming too siloed and combative. If you have a friend with a different political persuasion, it speaks to your character. It gives you the opportunity to grow, learn, and be more accepting.