Humor: The Tiger Mom is terrifying but these moms are worse
I'd hate to run into a Sparrow Mom
The Spider Mom
She’s the mom who read The Giving Tree and then decided, “That’s the kind of mom I will be.” In other words, she lives every moment for her children. Every. Moment. Never leaving their child’s side, the spider mom works her legs to the bone to keep you happy. She gives you everything she has, everything she is. Until, when she has nothing left to offer for substance but her own body, she offers you that as a last sacrifice.
The awful part of being a spider mom is that the kids don’t even appreciate you. You’d probably be glad she’s gone. Can you imagine the guilt trip? She’d bring up the “I let you eat my body” thing to win every argument.
The Eagle Mom
Eagle mom didn’t raise no weakling. If you think your eagle mom will feel bad when you come home with a black eye, you’d be wrong. She will scold you when she finds out you didn’t give the bully a black eye in return. It doesn’t matter that the bully is your brother. She will not accept a frail child.
So you compete with your siblings. You must. Eagle Mom’s love (and resources) is for winners. She’ll ignore the fighting, posting on Facebook a quote like, “What doesn’t literally kill you makes you stronger,” when others criticize her parenting skills. Eagle moms understand that only the most clever and brutal of their babies should be allowed to soar. After all, that’s how her mom raised her, and she didn’t turn out like a psychopath at all.
The Hamster Mom
Hamster Mom is trying her best, okay? This kind of mom loves her children but worries too much. She’s the one who justifies leaving her cart in the middle of a parking lot or other inconveniences if she believes it is in the best interest of her child. Sometimes, she takes things too far, though. There is a fine line between protection and destruction in the name of safety.
The Sparrow Mom
Sparrow Mom is obsessed with appearances. Even when things are rough at home, she insists the family stay together. No matter what it takes, she’ll make the perfect family unit.
How do you know you have a sparrow mom? Well, have you noticed your father looking scared of her lately? Do neighbors give her a wide berth? Are the other birds gossiping about her during their morning songs? But how could anyone hate her? She seems so sweet!
Then you remember that weird incident. At soccer tryouts, you met a new friend. She had eyes like your dad, which seemed so cool that you told your family over dinner. Your mom was eerily silent. The next day, your new friend was gone.
If in doubt, ask your dad. He’ll tell you how your mom’s obsession with the perfect family led her to kill all the children your father sired when he strayed from home. Then he quickly explains she did it for the family so he would never leave. He’s talking so fast and in a pleading way. His eyes keep glancing behind you.
When you turn around, Sparrow Mom is in the doorway, smiling. “I did it for you,” she says, tilting her head sharply.
Sparrow Mom will do anything for her family. Anything.
The Harp Seal Mom
The harp seal mother loves being pregnant and all the fun stuff that comes with it. Choosing a name, deciding what snow goes in the baby’s den, hosting a baby shower, that’s all good. Unfortunately, motherhood is not all fun and presents. Twelve days after giving birth, the Harp Seal Mom leaves motherhood and the cub behind. 12-day-olds are pretty much 13-day-olds, and that means they’ll be fine!
The Snowy Owl Mom
The Snowy Owl Mom wants everyone to know what a good mom she is. Can you hear your baby from within the womb? The Snowy Owl Mom can. She will go on and on about how important it is to establish a bond as soon as possible if you don’t want your child to become a wandering bard who only calls when they need money. Yes, this is the mother who insists on playing classical music through headphones on her stomach while judging you for some minor infraction. This pattern continues as she raises her children, who will improve the world, thanks to her and her parenting.
Panda Mom
Panda moms seem like great moms. They adore their kid, cuddling them in a way that makes every harp seal child sigh with envy.
What the harp seal pup doesn’t know is panda moms are awful. They only can love one of their children. So, if you’re the unfortunate second child of a panda mom, get ready to fend for yourself from a young age. Panda Mom will not care about anyone but her golden child unless the other child becomes wealthy. Then maybe they’ll care. Even a panda has got to think about retirement.
The Hooded Grebe Mom
The Hooded Grebe Mom picks the firstborn and showers them with affection while ignoring the other kids. Oh, this seems like the panda? Yeah, a little bit. Remember that next time a parent swears that “they don’t pick favorites.” We’re all animals. Everyone has their favorite.
The Cuckoo Mom
Cuckoo moms dump their children on the unsuspecting who are trying to be good mothers themselves. She’s selfish enough to think that by murdering some kids to get you a prime spot in an adoptive family, she’s done her job. She’ll even watch from afar to ensure you are well cared for. Don’t be fooled. She’s a monster.
The Black Bear Mom
The black bear mom is single and not putting up with any shit from her children or those who seek to harm them. She’s got her paws full, raising her kids so they have the best shot at life. She knows it’s a hard world out there for the unprepared, and she won’t hesitate to knock some sense into a kid who walks into the middle of the street without looking both ways. She will also drag her children out of the gas station she entered if they don’t behave.
At the same time, you know a Black Bear Mom will do anything for her kids, including mauling someone who startles them by screaming in the gas station. Honestly, the Black Bear Mom is refreshing after all these other moms, except for the part where she abandons a baby if they aren’t twins or triplets. But we all have our faults! So, let’s hear it for the best mom on this list by default.
Writing dumb things to make you laugh
