Humor: The ravages of time are coming for your baby
How to make your baby look younger
You love your baby. You brought her into this world, so it only makes sense that you want to give her the best life possible. Unfortunately, the cute phase is over, and your 7-month-old looks more like an 11-month-old. Sure, you adore your baby no matter what. But what will the world say when they meet your quickly-aging little bundle of joy? Fear not! There are plenty of ways to keep your baby looking young and thus valuable in society's eyes.
1. Not being able to walk is no excuse for not exercising
Studies have proven that doing something as small as taking a walk every afternoon is enough to keep us looking youthful. So it's deeply frustrating to watch your baby, during the best years of its life, fail to do even that simple task.
They won't be able to use their weak little legs yet, but you can increase their movement by refusing to hold them whenever they ask. Let them flop around on the blanket, bounce on that swing, and attempt to get out of that high chair. They might not feel comforted now, but they'll thank you later when they're comforted by their emerging abs and the compliments those bring.
2. Give the peek-a-boo a rest
Baby giggles are so adorable. Do you know what is not adorable? Permanent crow's feet by the time they're in pre-school. Don't believe me? Take a close look. There, now you see it. You're not doing them any favors by making them laugh. This isn't to say you shouldn't allow your child to be merry, but it's best to teach them to smile in a more contained way.
Other moms might judge. Let them. You'll gracefully withhold judgment when they bring their little crones to toddler tumble class.
3. Hope your boobs are big enough to press some fruit
Three words. Green. Juice. Diet. It's liquid, so it's safe for the little human. Upgrade to smoothies once they can chew a bit. No flavored yogurt, though, no matter how much they beg for it once they begin to form sentences and deep resentment because they don't yet understand you are looking out for their best interests.
And no, breast milk is no good. Lactose is just another kind of sugar which is the enemy of youth. Fight the urge to breastfeed, and you will be halfway to helping her win the battle against the ticking clock.
4. Enforce a strict sleep schedule
Most parents focus on the wrong aspect of sleep training. It's not about what's best for your child's emotional well-being. It's about stopping the ravages of time. Not getting enough sleep is among the top reasons humans age so horribly. Get them to sleep 8 hours daily, and you and your baby will soon have smoother, brighter-looking skin. What? There's no reason why you can't benefit from your baby's beautification. A beautiful baby doesn't need an ugly parent walking them through the park.
5. Limit their alcohol consumption.
How much alcohol is too much alcohol for a baby? Any, if you want them to maintain their vitality. I'm not judging. Alas, the police and the muscles on the face will. Get them some healthier coping mechanisms for that awful teething phase, and after an initial withdrawal period, you'll see them looking nine months younger!
6. Babytox
Relax! It's not Botox. It's a much lighter version. We only used the intestinal tracts of baby animals, so we're pretty sure it's safe for infants. Obviously, it is an extreme measure, only meant for those dreaded family events where your sister-in-law will judge you on the youthfulness of your baby. No one will compliment little Jane on how many benchmarks she's passed if she looks like a little gremlin instead of a baby who supposedly just turned one.
We're all only young once. Make that one moment last. Even if it's too late for you (and let's be honest, it is), it doesn't have to be for your babe. Try not to be jealous and help your daughter be the best version of herself.
By which we mean as young as possible.
Writing dumb things to make you laugh