Humor: Increasingly threatening emails from the online shop you foolishly gave your email address to

7/11/2023

Subject: We noticed you noticing us!

Hey Angela!

We couldn't help but notice you browsing our website. The Goblincore section, to be precise. Look at you, so trendy! To make things easier for you, we've compiled several outfits that will fit the aesthetic you're going for. Happy shopping!

7/12/2023

Subject: We noticed you noticing our email about you noticing us

Hi you!

Yesterday we sent you an email. Not a pushy one, merely a quick helpful push to help you find the dress/pants/shoes of your goblin dreams. Dreams perfectly tailored to your interests according to some very sophisticated work by our company's finest engineers. They put in so much effort so you can shop easily. Yet you didn't even seem to care.

It's OK. We forgive you. This is why we still took the time to include several trendy items for your perusal. Have fun shopping!

7/13/2023

Subject: We noticed you looking at similar items from another brand's online store

Hey there, stranger!

It's been a minute since we've seen you! The outfit that first brought you to us is back in stock. We know you need it because you've been looking at similar outfits on our lame competitor's website. You're so naughty! Don't fret. We like our customers to have a little spirit. But not too much, you know?

So get back on track with one of these chic looks below!

7/14/2023

Subject: We noticed our last message ended up in the trash

Hey, clumsy fingers!

Like, oops! Looks like you put us in the wrong folder by accident. I think you meant to put us in "favorites" or something like that. How else would you take advantage of all the great stuff we are gracious enough to offer our customers, even when they don't deserve it?

We're resending those last suggestions that we made just for you!

7/15/2023

Subject line: We noticed you ignoring our email about us noticing you not noticing us

We wanted to think the best of you. Our assumption was that perhaps you were busy. You didn't have the time to dig into everything our shop had to offer. Now I see we were wrong. Even after spending valuable seconds to help you, you chose to scoff at our kindness. To not even open our emails is a step too far. You made us feel like trash.

No, worse than trash. SPAM!

We hate to break it to you, but we are not your average big retail chain trying to send you a promotional coupon. We are a fashion brand selling a lifestyle with the time, funding, and technology to make you regret the day you clicked on that targeted ad.

We forgive you, almost. Why don't you take some time to scan a selection of new dresses perfectly tailored to you?

Have fun!

7/16/2023

Subject: We noticed you spreading our email around to tarnish our good name

Oh, I'm sorry. Did we say you could share our private correspondence with others? That was a bad decision. Almost as bad as your choice to buy that dress at our competitor's shop. Brand disloyal and cheap. You're such a disappointment.

Despite your shortcomings, we are thinking about letting you off the hook and allowing you to be a valued customer, and thus a valuable member of society, right after you buy one of these tops. Don't get huffy about the cost. We now accept popular BNPL later apps like Klarna and Afterpay!

7/17/2023

Subject: We noticed you putting up missing dog signs

Hey there, valued future customer,

We're so sorry to see that your dog is missing. We can't imagine what that is like or how that might have happened. Oh, before you go, why don't you check out one of our newest items: furry dog ear hats.

No, those aren't real fur. Not now. The future of this product is up to you.

What can you do to ensure we remain committed to cruelty-free faux fur? Buy one of the items that we've matched to your personality. Also, sign the NDA that comes in the mail with your receipt. Once we've received it, we'll cancel that future line of adorable fur products.

You can save the planet (which includes saving your dog if you catch our meaning) by purchasing something today.

Have fun!

7/18/2023

Subject: We noticed you're finally noticing us

Dear loyal customer,

It's nice to see you opening our emails. I'm sorry things got so tense. We want to be your friend. And friends respect friends. They notice their emails. They get excited to open their emails. And they do whatever the email says.

We look forward to noticing you for years to come. Now, take a look at some of our new looks below. We've even got some cute matching collars for that adorable (and very unharmed, we might add) dog you managed to find.

Happy shopping!