Humor: I basically became a god after adopting an early morning routine

Good morning. Oh wait, you can’t hear me. You are still trapped in that web of sleep. Dreaming dreams instead of pursuing them.

I used to be you. I’d slumber until the last possible second every morning. I was deeply unhappy, as you are. I could never find the time to do anything I wanted. Then I read an article claiming all successful people get up early. I decided to give it a try.

Waking up at five in the morning changed my life. Suddenly, I had energy that I’d never had before. By seven, I’d burned 600 calories while still eating a delicious, healthy breakfast I’d made from scratch.

Those golden hours also gave me time to read several articles, which I could maneuver into conversations later that day. My peers feared my ability to keep up with current events. Feared it, I say.

Did I mention the journaling? I reflected so effectively that I cured all my human insecurities by getting to the root of the causes.

Still, it wasn’t enough. I had a taste of that morning euphoria, but I needed more. Setting my alarm, I prepared to rise at four. The results were almost orgasmic.

The shower water felt cleaner. I could taste the notes of flesh in my coffee left behind by the hands that had picked the beans. I could smell the success in the sweat of the few other early risers on their morning runs. This too was not enough. I had not reached my true potential. Without hesitation, I set the alarm for three. My family and friends worried when I told them this. That was to be expected. They were mere 7 AM risers, after all.

After getting up at three, I gained superhuman senses and abilities. I can see the dead. Police depend on me to solve cold cases. Girlfriends rely on me to predict which men on Tinder are going to send nude pics. These days, I do not sleep for more than a few hours before popping out of bed at 1 AM. There is no more morning or night for me. They all blend into a beautiful mural of productivity.

I feel light and free. Doctors say it is sleep deprivation. I say they are wrong. I would know. I get up early. I know all.

Sadly, I had to break up with my husband. He could never reach my level, as six was the earliest he could rise. Our divorce saddened him, but I was above such emotions. Then, the judge took my children, claiming that keeping them from sleeping was child abuse. But he couldn’t see, since he too was a late riser, that I was trying to make them better, more like their mother, for I am basically a deity.

I am amongst the select few who shall cure all diseases. I shall create algorithms that find true love. And I will finally watch all the seasons of TV shows everyone keeps insisting I need to watch.