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It can be challenging as a parent to know how to respond to your child being shy. On one hand, you may recognize and even appreciate their more cautious nature, but on the other hand, you may want to push them out of their comfort zone in order to make friends, self-advocate, and learn how to function in social interactions. So is there anything you can do as a parent to help your shy child to thrive? Does how you respond to their shyness matter?
What Is Shyness?
Shyness is not an official diagnosis but a character trait that involves a pattern of feelings, thoughts, and behaviors related to being more nervous about social interactions than the average person. A shy person may feel nervous and uncomfortable in social situations particularly unfamiliar social situations. These feelings may stem from thoughts and beliefs that they will be judged negatively by other people (although young children may not always have these thoughts and, if they do, may not be able to articulate these concerns). Behaviors associated with shyness can include avoiding social situations or being more quiet or restrained around people who are less familiar. Some children are clearly born with a temperament that makes them more likely to be shy but life circumstances, such as the parenting a child experiences, can alter the development of shyness.
How Should Parents Respond to Their Shy Children?
Support and validate your child’s experience but avoid being overprotective. Research finds that parents should try to strike a balance between being supportive and validating their child’s nervous feelings without being overprotective. As a parent, you might feel a natural urge to want to “protect” your shy child by avoiding situations that might make them nervous but research suggests that this strategy is likely to backfire. Specifically, research finds that parents who are overprotective with their preschoolers are more likely to have children who show anxious behavior around other children at school. Another study found that when mothers are overprotective, their children are more likely to experience negative consequences due to shyness (such as problems with peers and symptoms of anxiety/depression). Although the intentions to protect your child come from a place of love, it is important that parents try to push their shy children out of their comfort zone.
Don’t be too controlling. Parents also want to avoid being overly controlling of their children. Research finds that when parents are more controlling with their reserved toddlers they are more likely to still be shy as preschoolers. Another study found that mothers who were overly involved during free play with their shy 4-year-old children were more likely to have a child who was still shy at 7 years. When parents are controlling of their children or try to micro-manage social interactions, it may communicate to their children that they actually can’t handle the situation on their own, which may decrease their self-confidence and increase their anxiety.
Don’t criticize or tease their shy behavior. Research also suggests that parents should not be critical of their child’s shy behavior (for example, teasing a child for being shy) as they are more likely to show anxiety later. Another study found that parents who make critical comments when their children are reserved as toddlers (such as “Don’t be such a baby” or “What’s wrong with you? Just say hi”) are more likely to be shy as preschoolers.
Be warm, supportive, and validating of their shyness while setting firm limits. So that is a lot of what not to do— what should you do? Research finds that an authoritative parenting style may help your shy child to thrive (translation: authoritative parenting is a parenting style that combines both warmth and sensitivity with firm boundaries and limits). Research finds that when mothers who use an authoritative parenting style their shy children are less likely to experience negative consequences of being shy, such as social and emotional problems and difficulty adjusting to school.
Set your child up for success by teaching them social skills. Research finds that children who are ignored or rejected by classmates become increasingly shy. Make sure your child has the social skills to make any social interactions that they do have successful. You can teach and practice social skills with your child (such as role playing how to ask another child to play or start a conversation), or sign them up for a social skills support group so they can learn and practice these skills with kids their own age (and maybe make some new friends in the process).
Overall Translation
To prevent some of the negative impacts of shyness and help your child to develop strong social skills and social confidence, research finds that parents should strike a balance between being supportive and responsive without being overprotective or controlling.
Here are some tips to put this research into practice:
Validate and empathize with your child’s feelings of nervousness or apprehension (“I understand that it makes you a little nervous when you are around new people or in an unfamiliar situation. I feel that way too sometimes and a lot of people do. It can be a really uncomfortable feeling”)
Do not criticize, tease, or shame your child for their shyness. Research suggests that this approach is likely to backfire and increase their anxiety in social situations.
Step back as much as possible when your child is in social situations. Do not answer questions for them or provide too much support. Try not to “rescue” them from difficult social situations.
Encourage your child to gently and gradually face their social fears. For example, if they are nervous about asking a friend to play, help them to figure out a plan to build up to that and develop coping skills for when they feel anxious in social situations.
Do not over-accommodate shyness. For example, don’t avoid social situations that might make your child anxious or allow them to cancel social plans simply because they are nervous.
Do not immediately try to “fix” any negative feelings about social situations, such as telling them there is no reason to worry or that they don’t have to do something that is causing them anxiety. Give them time to process their feelings and then engage in problem-solving with them when they are calm.
Many children appear shy because they lack social skills or practice in different social situations. Work with your child on their social skills by explaining the “hidden rules” of social situations and practice using the social skills you teach them through role play or through a social skills group.
Teach your child coping skills that actually work. Research finds that shy children are more likely to cope by doing nothing or using avoidant coping (translation: avoiding the thoughts or situations that make them nervous). Coping skills that actually work to decrease nervousness in social situations can include deep breathing, reframing the situation, or seeking support from a friend or trusted adult.
Give your child time to warm up. A recent study found that shy children are just as likely to comfort a person who is upset but may take a little longer to do so. Don’t expect your shy child to jump right into social situations but give them some time before encouraging them to interact with others.
Notice and praise appropriate use of social skills or “brave” behavior in social situations. Any behavior that you pay attention to as a parent will likely increase in frequency since parental attention is a powerful motivator for behavior. However, make sure you notice and praise the behavior after the interaction so you do not embarrass your child or disrupt the flow of the social interaction.
Seek help when you notice symptoms of social anxiety, general anxiety, or depression. Research finds that shy children may be more prone to anxiety and depression, so if you notice that worry, sadness, or a tendency to withdrawal seems to be impacting your child’s ability to make friends, go to school, or do other activities of daily living, you should seek the help of a mental health professional.
Dr. Cara Goodwin, PhD, is a licensed clinical psychologist and mother to four children. She specializes in child development and has spent years researching child psychology and neuroscience and providing therapy for children of all ages and parent training. She is the founder of Parenting Translator, which translates recent scientific research into information that is helpful, relevant, and accurate for parents and caregivers through an Instagram account, a newsletter on Substack, and a blog on Psychology Today. Dr. Goodwin is also a bestselling author of the children's book, What To Do When You Feel Like Hitting.