How to Stay Attracted to a Partner You've Been with for Years
I've interviewed couples who have been married from a few months to 50+ years, and they all agree—sexual attraction ebbs and flows.
Whether it's because of your stress levels, busy schedules, or your partner's parents are in town for the week and it has one or both of you in a bad mood, there are bound to be some roadblocks to your overall arousal levels.
But what if, lifestyle factors aside, it feels like you've been less attracted to your partner lately?
Here are five ways that you can stay attracted to a partner long-term, and shake off the cobwebs.
1. Look in the mirror.
A lot of times, the ups and downs of sexual attraction in my clients' relationships speaks to how they currently feel about themselves. When they are happy and have high self-esteem; their partner is the sexiest person in the world.
When they feel stressed, distracted, or down on themselves, then their partner seems to lose their appeal.
So, while it is easy to project our insecurities and bad moods on what's most readily available (your partner), make sure that you look in the mirror and ask yourself if YOU feel attractive and emotionally fulfilled.
2. Give yourself the opportunity to miss them.
We live in a hyper connected world where everyone you love is just a text away. But excessive intimacy causes anxiety. If you are constantly around your partner, you won't have the opportunity to miss them. They will start to feel like a burden more than a treat.
When you're with your partner, give them your full attention. But when you're away from them, get on with your life. Let go of the need to text them every day. Build up your stories so that you have something to talk about when you meet up again in person.
Have your girls' night, or go on weekend getaways, or have an exercise regime that does not include your partner.
Have some sense of independence and autonomy, so that when you meet up again, you've both been given the chance to think "Oh yeah… I really like them. I'm looking forward to seeing them again."
3. Prime your brain with appreciation.
People's brains have a funny way of needing to appear consistent with their words, actions, and thoughts.
So if you have been taking your partner for granted and not putting any effort into your relationship, your brain will rationalize "If I'm not putting any effort into this relationship… it must mean that I'm not that into her."
But the reverse is also true. If you've found your desire waning recently in your relationship, simply by putting in more effort your mind will think "I've been putting so much effort into this relationship lately, I must really love them"
There are two major ways that you can prime your brain with this kind of positive influence.
The first is active appreciation, and the second is to to continue dating them.
If you prime your mind to look for the positive feedback in your life, you will filter out even more positives. This has a beneficial, cascading effect that alters the way you see your entire life. And you can do this with your relationship.
Instead of thinking "He never puts effort into his looks. He wears sweatpants around me half the time we're at home," you can reframe as: "I love how comfortable he is around me. I truly see him like no one else gets to."
The more you see your partner's actions through the lens of love and assume good intentions, the more you'll see that they are loving you, constantly, in their own way.
On to the second point: Continue to date them.
If you date your partner like you did in the first few months of your relationship, a lot of your relationship stress will fall away.
Woo your partner. Surprise them with little gifts. Be romantic. Have distraction-free date nights regularly.
Date them like they're new to you and, because of your brain's propensity to want to seem consistent with your bodies actions, you will fall more in love with them with each gesture.
4. Think about losing them.
Everything in your life will someday end. Everyone you love will die. Every relationship you currently are engaged in will have a final moment.
Now that I've gotten the happy news out of the way…
How would you look at your partner if this was the last time you were going to see them? How would you act differently if you knew you wouldn't see them after this coming weekend? Would you fight more fairly? Would you tell them you loved them more? Would you be kinder, gentler, or more loving towards them?
By keeping yourself aware of the fact that everything in your life has an expiration date, you can show up moment to moment in your relationship as the kind of person that you're striving to be. Actively appreciate and focus on everything that you love about your partner. The choice is always yours, and it's a lot easier (and more fun) when you do.
5. Funnel all of your sexual energy towards them.
Sexual energy is a finite resource for all people.
If you find yourself squandering your sexual energy lengthily admiring other attractive people in public, or masturbating and leaving whatever is left over for your partner, then you both lose.
Picture sexual energy like running water through your body and you can funnel it in any direction you want. And the more you funnel it in a certain direction, the steadier it goes.
Consciously channel your sexual energy towards your partner and, coming back to the point I made in section #3, your mind will act consistent with your thoughts and actions.
How Do You Stay Attracted To Your Partner Long-Term?
Decide on it. Love, like happiness, is largely a choice. It's a mental filtering process. Choose to see your partner in the same light that you saw them in when you first started dating… and filter out the things that would irk you if you chose to ruminate on them.
Look at your partner through rose colored glasses, not through a magnifying glass.
This story originally appeared on The Good Men Project.
More from The Good Men Project:
4 Relationship Rules to Live By
10 Questions To Ask To Go Deep In Your Relationship
15 Small Things That Are Actually Big Things To Her
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