How to Spice Up Your Marriage, According to Sex Therapists
Sound familiar? At the beginning of my relationship, I’d stay up for hours just talking and, well, doing other stuff. Fast-forward a few years into my marriage, and romance isn't exactly at the forefront of my mind. And it’s not just that my circumstances have changed—my spouse's have, too. “Your wants, needs and desires are different now than when you first got together,” explains sex therapist Christopher Ryan Jones. “Each of you has new likes and dislikes, which change over time. Some couples panic when they realize this and think it’s a bad thing when actually this is the perfect opportunity to reconnect and keep the passion and romance alive in the relationship.”
But, how, exactly? I consulted Jones and other relationship experts for advice on how to spice up a marriage overall, before it gets to the sexless marriage stage, as well as in particular circumstances like post-childbirth, while raising kids and post-50 years old. (All stages of life I've totally watched leach the fun out of being in a couple...but, happily, not for long.) I learned that while it’s totally normal for the big fireworks you used to see when you were in a situationship (and first fell in love) to fizzle over time, there's no need to just accept a half-lit sparkler as the new normal. Instead, experts shared tips and tricks to re-igniting excitement and adding back in the heat.
Meet the Experts
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1. Re-create Your Favorite Dates at Home
The go-to advice for keeping your relationship healthy? Make date nights a regular thing again. “Many couples change the dynamics of their relationship once they get married,” says Jones. “The things they did when dating, they no longer do, because subconsciously they feel that effort is no longer needed.” But this couldn’t be further from the truth, he argues. While some things in life may change after marriage, the way you interact with your partner shouldn’t.
This is an opportunity to get creative. “Think of your favorite past dates and re-create them,” advises dating expert Maria Sullivan, former vice president of Dating.com. No, you don’t have to go back to the exact same college bar where you met but what about whipping up some special cocktails at home? Or give your usual Friday night takeout and Netflix ritual a serious upgrade by putting the screens away, lighting some candles and playing Italian music to remind you of that cheesy restaurant where you first met. “Not only will you get major brownie points for the romance, but you’ll also automatically ignite the flames you felt during that original date,” says Sullivan.
2. Try Role Play
Look, everyone has fantasies (which is a good thing, because the day-to-day can be really stressful or, you know, boring). And a little role play is a great way to escape the routine. Sit down with your partner and brainstorm some ideas (plus talk about boundaries). Then the fun can begin. “Role play shouldn’t just start in the bedroom,” says Jones. “Make an entire production out of it by doing things that you and your partner normally wouldn’t do.” Think getting dressed up and texting each other naughty messages beforehand. “Not only will you (hopefully) have great sex at the end of the day, but you may also discover some things that you both like that neither of you would have tried doing otherwise.” And don't expect it all to play out as perfectly as you imagine: "It is normal to laugh when things go wrong," says Bisbey. "Laughing together often leads to amazing sex as it increases intimacy."
3. Schedule It In
Adding “sexy time” to your Google calendar for 9:30 p.m. might not scream romance, but when you have a bajillion things on your to-do list every day, it’s kind of a necessity. “This will help ensure that sex stays a priority and over time will have you looking forward to and getting excited by your scheduled sexy time,” says clinical psychologist Britney Blair, Psy.D., cofounder of Lover. (Just make sure you add it to your personal calendar and not your work one.) "Once you have it scheduled, engage in things that build anticipation like sexting," suggests Bisbey. "Anticipation is one of the things that happens automatically at the beginning of a relationship, and adding it back in will help to bring back the excitement," she says.
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4. Bring Sex Toys into the Bedroom
Sometimes the thing you need to add a little spice to the relationship is a healthy dose of playfulness. And what’s synonymous with play? Toys. Don’t be afraid to experiment and try new things in the bedroom—including adding some accessories into the mix. Play games with the toys as well, suggests Bisbey: "One person can take the lead and tell the other what to do with the toy. Or play an adult version of 'Simon Says' using toys. There are also a lot of adult card games–like Truth or Dare—designed to help increase the temperature." Have a look through the best sex toys on Amazon to get you started.
5. Or Some Erotica
Blair suggests incorporating sexy or exciting stories into your relationship, either in written, visual or audible form. “This is a great way to help you prime your desire,” she says. FYI: Erotica isn’t all 50 Shades of Grey. For literary titillation, try The Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera, Outlander by Diana Gabaldon or anything by Ann Bannon. "Try reading out loud to each other, writing for each other or commissioning someone to write an erotic story for you both," says Bisbey. "When I do this for clients, the meeting to decide what will be in the story is almost as much fun as reading the finished product." The therapist recommends a variety of short story collections, including selections from Circlet Press and the Best American Erotica series. Finally, "don’t forget there is audio erotica, podcasts and erotica in audio book form," Bisbey says. "And consider movies—like the original version of Swept Away, 9 ? weeks, Lady Chatterly's Lover, The Secretary with James Spader—that are incredibly erotic."
6. Seek Counseling
When the going gets tough, the tough get help—that's when to see a sex therapist. If your relationship has started to feel a little stale lately, there is no stigma or shame in going to couples or sex therapy. (Psst: Many therapists offer online or virtual sessions.) “Couples may come to sex therapy for any number of reasons,” says Jones. “They might feel that they have lost romantic feelings toward one another, or one of the partners may want to explore areas of sexuality that the other partner is not comfortable with.” Another common concern? Mismatched libidos. "Make sure to see someone who specializes in sex and relationships," Bisbey recommends. "Having an experienced person who has no skin in the game to help you makes it far more likely you will get a good result." Think of this as a chance to really level up your individual and relationship satisfaction, because therapy can provide a safe space to open up communication to discuss wants and desires.
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7. Try Something New Together
Here’s a fun way to get out of a relationship rut: sign up for a class or activity. Doing something new feels exciting and might even get those competitive juices going, which can be very sexy (your partner looks great wearing an apron, after all). It doesn’t matter if it’s an online cooking class, an at-home crafts project or a video tutorial for couples yoga—just try something new together. Even if it’s a total bust, at least you’ll get a good laugh out of it, right? Or hone in on possible turn-ons and "make date night erotic by going to a burlesque show, a strip club or if you are more adventurous, going to a class on kink, a dungeon demonstration.or a shibari lesson," suggests Bisbey. And don't forget traveling to new places, as touted by the TikTok-famous 2-2-2 rule for couples that's got me thinking I don't take my SO on enough trips.
8. Don’t Wait Until You’re in the Mood
Fact: The spontaneous desire for sex decreases over time. So if you’re in a long-term relationship and waiting until you feel an impromptu urge, well, you could be waiting a while. Instead, initiate sex even if y0u'r not 100 percent aflame with horniness. “Many people only desire sex after they become sexually aroused,” says Blair. “We call this responsive desire, and it is just as valid and fun as spontaneous desire—and to be honest, more common.” Translation? Even if you’re not in the mood, once you get going, you’ll probably start to enjoy yourself.
9. Get Sweaty
“I know I’m not the first doctor to tell you that exercise is important, but I might be the first to tell you that exercise is a proven way to drive up your sexual desire,” says Blair. In fact, one study from the University of Texas showed that after just 20 minutes of exercise, participants reported more interest in sex. There are a few possible reasons for this, like exercise helping to relieve stress (a major desire buster) and also build confidence (which drives up desire). Another factor? “Exercise increases blood to the genitals, which helps with arousal and orgasm.” While Bisbey discourages exercise as a means to bring a spark back to relationships—"it's an indirect way of working on things"—you may still opt to challenge your partner to a run—and then race them to the bedroom. (And you can work up a sweat indoors, too—here are 15 core workouts you can do at home, no equipment necessary.)
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10. Excite the Senses
You want to create a sexy atmosphere…but how do you do that, exactly? Here’s a tip: Break it down by the five senses. Starting with sight, for example, means you want your erotic play space to be inviting to the eye. That might mean decreasing clutter in the bedroom, installing some dim lighting or adding some beautiful bedding. For sound, build a sexy playlist (or find one on Spotify). “Music is a very powerful manipulator that can get people in the mood immediately and enhance the erotic experience,” says Blair. For the sense of smell, you could light a scented candle that you only use when you’re about to have sex. “This can create a conditioned response that builds anticipation when either partner lights that candle.” Continue working your way through the senses and you’ll be ripping each other’s clothes off in no time (or at the very least, you’ll have a tidier bedroom).
11. Don’t Stress
Remember what we said earlier about periods of lesser intimacy being totally normal? “Don’t beat yourself up if your commitment to engaging and enriching your erotic mind falls off your radar from time to time,” says Blair. Rather than spending all your time worrying if you're still connected to your partner, consider taking a moment to refocus (maybe by taking a break in a relationship). Do some deep breathing exercises, play some Barry White and vow to recommit to both the self and the relationship, all in good time.
How to Spice Up Your Marriage Over 50
Personally, I've used some of the tips that make dating over 50 go smoother in my relationship with my over-50 partner. Little reminders like having a few moments of banter ready for my partner, rather than just kvetching about home repairs, for example. Also, being upfront and vocal about my sex drive or lack thereof, and prioritizing intimacy even if I'm really wanting to stream The Bear. And overall, keeping up with new media, technology and restaurants (my partner's love language), as a way to connect with both him and the larger world. (Because truly, if left to my own devices, I'm bed rotting and watching The Bear.) For keeping attraction strong over 50, Bisbey suggests "trying a new thing together or attending a class—as well as working with a coach to examine fantasies and see which ones could be created in reality."
How to Spice Up Your Marriage After Having a Baby
First off, Moms: Let go of stressing about having your pre-baby body back. And don't rush any sort of physical intimacy with your partner that you're not ready for. Dr. Sarah Oreck, reproductive psychiatrist and co-founder of Mavida Health says that new mothers often experience being "touched out"—i.e. the state of overstimulation as a primary care giver that leads to hyper-responsiveness or desensitization and the release of stress hormones like cortisol that trigger feelings of anxiety or irritability. In her book Smart Sex, author Emily Morse calls stress a "pleasure thief" that when, chronic, can keep you from wanting to have sex or being able to enjoy it. So while it's not a quick fix, prioritizing your own physical and mental health and well-being apart from your baby's is a key first step to being able to add any spice to your marriage.
How to Spice Up Your Marriage with Kids
Here, follow the advice of André and Jeff Shinabarger, the married researchers who authored Love or Work: Is It Possible to Change the World, Stay in Love, and Raise a Healthy Family?. Think of your partnership as having ebbs and flows, as though there are seasons in marriage. As with the post-birth period, your children will take some of the focus away from yourselves and your S.O., but that won't last forever. So that's the first step—realize this over-scheduled juggling of work-children-chores won't last forever, so there's no need to feel hopeless or resentful. Next, prioritize implementing a few of the tips outlined above—especially the sex dates—because you'll want to keep connected.
Summary of How to Spice Up Your Marriage
The way to keep your marriage spark lit? Prioritize your connection by scheduling intimacy, engaging in new experiences together (yes, including new sex toys and role playing) and staying connected to the romance of your past (like maybe re-creating your first dates) but being realistically grounded in your present reality together. And always, communicate—talk, text, create and write to one another so that you can keep up with that ever-changing person you chose as your life partner.
