What to Say to Someone Who Is Depressed
Finding Words to Offer Help and Support
Verywell / Tara Anand
Medically reviewed by Steven Gans, MDMedically reviewed by Steven Gans, MD
Knowing what to say to someone who is depressed isn't always easy. Try not to be dissuaded by worry over saying the "wrong" thing. Too many people with clinical depression feel alone—a state that only worsens their condition. If you don't know what to say, just say that—and tell your friend that you are there for them.
Keep reading to learn what you can do when you want to say more but have a hard time expressing what you feel. We also provide a few statements that someone with depression might find helpful to hear.
Related: The Best Online Help for Depression of 2024
Tell Them You Care
These two simple words—"I care"—can mean so much to a person who may be feeling like the entire world is against them. A hug or a gentle touch of the hand can even get this message across. The important thing is to reach out and let the person know that they matter to you.
While you may feel awkward and unsure at first, know that whatever you say doesn't have to be profound or poetic. It should simply be something that comes from a place of compassion and acceptance.
Remind Them You're There for Them
Someone with depression can feel as though no one understands what they are feeling or even cares enough to try to understand. This can be isolating and overwhelming.
Research has shown that people tend to withdraw socially when they are depressed. So, reaching out to a friend in need is an important first step.
Takeaway
If your friend isn't ready to talk, continue to offer your support by spending time with them and try to check in regularly either in person, on the phone, or by text.
When you reach out to a friend, letting them know that you will be there every step of the way can be very reassuring. You may not quite know what this will look like at first, but just reminding your friend that you are someone they can lean on can mean the world.
Ask How You Can Help
Depression places a great weight on the person who is experiencing it, both physically and mentally. As a result, there are many things you can do to ease its effects as your friend recovers. They may be reluctant to accept your offer for fear of becoming a burden on you. So, make it clear that you don't mind and want to help in the same way you know they would for you.
It is also possible that depression may leave your friend so tired and down that they don't know what kind of help to ask for. Be prepared with a few specific suggestions, which may include:
Could you use some help with housework or grocery shopping?
Would you like some company for a while?
Would you like me to drive you to your doctor's appointments?
Being specific in regards to both the time and the activity can be helpful. For example, instead of saying "Is there anything I can do for you?" perhaps ask, "Could I come over on Saturday morning and do some yard work for you?"
Remember, too, that the help you think your friend may need may not match with what would actually be beneficial in their eyes. Suggest—and listen.
Explainer
Depression can make daily tasks and other obligations much more difficult. Lending tangible, practical support can be a great way to help someone who is depressed.
Urge Them to Talk to a Professional
Depression treatments are a very important part of recovering from depression. But people often feel ashamed of their condition or pessimistic about whether treatment will really help.
If your friend has not yet seen a healthcare provider, encourage them to seek help and reassure them that there is nothing wrong with asking for assistance. Depression is a real—and treatable—illness. If your friend is already seeing a healthcare provider, offer to help with picking up medications and being on time for appointments.
Get Help Now
We've tried, tested, and written unbiased reviews of the best online therapy programs including Talkspace, BetterHelp, and ReGain. Find out which option is the best for you.
Ask Them If They Want to Talk
Sometimes the most important thing you can do for a friend with depression is to just listen empathetically while they talk about what is bothering them. This allows them to relieve the pressure of pent-up feelings.
Make sure to listen without interrupting. We may wish to fix things for those we care about and offer quick fixes to cope with our own feelings of helplessness. But sometimes people with depression just need to talk without having the conversation taken over with well-meaning advice.
Explainer
Listening can help make their mental and emotional pain more bearable as they go through the course of treatment prescribed by their healthcare provider and/or therapist.
Remind Them That They Matter
A common feeling among those who are depressed is that their lives don't matter—that they have no worth and are hopeless. If you can sincerely tell your friend about all the ways they matter to you and others, this can help them realize that they have value and worth.
Letting them know that they are an important person in your life can mean a lot when someone experiencing feelings of worthlessness with their depression.
Tell Them You Understand (If You Really Do)
Before you tell someone "I understand," be certain that you actually do. Have you ever experienced clinically significant depression? If you have, it may be helpful for your friend to hear that you have gone through your own experience and that it can get better.
Takeaway
Keep in mind, however, that there are several different types of depression. So, even if you did experience clinical depression, it may have been very different than what your friend is going through.
If what you have been through was a case of the blues, on the other hand, your friend may feel like you are trivializing their experience by comparing it to yours. In this case, it would be best to admit that you don't understand exactly what they are going through, but you care about them and want to try. You might say, "I don't understand, but I really want to."
Remind Them It's Okay to Feel How They Feel
Even if your friend's issues may seem minor to you, resist the urge to judge or come up with simple solutions. The biochemical imbalances associated with depression may be driving how bad they feel about certain situations—not necessarily the severity of the situations themselves.
Instead, let your friend know that you are sorry that they are feeling so badly. Also, adopt an attitude of acceptance about how their depression is affecting them.
If your friend only recently started taking medications or attending counseling, it can take time for them to begin to feel better. Just as an antibiotic for strep throat takes a while to work, antidepressant medicines can take time to change chemicals in the brain (sometimes upwards of eight weeks or longer).
Takeaway
During this time, what your friend needs most is not references to fast, easy solutions, but an awareness that you will be by their side through their treatment.
Assure Them They're Not Weak or Defective
Those who are coping with depression tend to feel weak or that there is something wrong with them. While depression is an illness, those who live with it may feel that it's a character flaw.
Reassure your friend that having depression does not mean that they are weak. In fact, it takes a great deal of strength and bravery to fight back, so they are probably much stronger than they think.
Explainer
Depression is a common mental health condition that can affect anyone. Let your loved one know that these feelings are not their fault and remind them how strong, resilient, and capable they are.
Emphasize That There's Hope
While you are reassuring your friend that they have a real illness, you can also reassure them that there is hope because depression is highly treatable. Through the use of medications and talk therapy, your friend has a very good chance of returning to feeling like their old self again.
Get Help Now
We've tried, tested, and written unbiased reviews of the best online therapy programs including Talkspace, Betterhelp, and Regain. Find out which option is the best for you.
When Good Intentions Go Wrong
It's possible that you can say all the "right" things and your friend will still become upset with you. Every person has unique thoughts and feelings, and being angry and upset is the nature of depression.
Sometimes people will lash out at those trying to help them because they are hurting and don't know where to direct those bad feelings. Whoever is nearby becomes a convenient target.
If this happens, try not to take it personally. Stay calm and continue to do what you can to love and support your friend in whatever way they will allow.
Know the Warning Signs of Suicide
The risk of suicide is higher in those living with depression. No matter what you say or what you do to help your friend, they may still experience suicidal thoughts and feelings. So, it's important to be on the lookout for warning signs of suicide and know when to seek help.
Crisis Support
If you or someone you love are having suicidal thoughts, contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988 for support and assistance from a trained counselor. If you or a loved one are in immediate danger, call 911.
For more mental health resources, see our National Helpline Database.
Some signs to watch for include:
Talking about wanting to die
Expressing that they feel like a burden to others
Feelings of extreme hopelessness and sadness
Withdrawing from friends and loved ones
Sudden mood swings
Giving away possessions or making a will
Making ambiguous statements about not being around in the future
Open discussions about suicide or having a suicide plan
Previous suicide attempts
If you spot warning signs of suicide, talk to your loved one and ask them to speak with a mental health professional. When there is an immediate risk, remove dangerous items from the home, don't leave them alone, and get help from a medical professional immediately.
Related: What to Say to Someone Who Is Suicidal
Final Thoughts
Often the simplest way to initiate a conversation is to be direct: Ask your friend if they are depressed. Don't accuse, threaten, blame, or make light of what they are feeling. Let them know you care and are there to talk if they want to.
Show your support, look for ways to help, and remind them that effective treatments are available. Encourage them to get help from a mental health professional and be on the lookout for signs of suicidal thinking or behavior.
Related: How to Help Someone Who Is Depressed
Read the original article on Verywell Mind.
