Showing Common Courtesy for All—How To Go Gender-Neutral in Your Salutations
When addressing individuals or groups of people face to face, over the phone, or through email, the customary intention is to showcase warmth, welcome, and respect. However, this positive objective is not always met—especially when gendered remarks are used. Fortunately, we have tips on how to go gender-neutral in your salutations and make a major impact on those around you.
From pointing out countless examples of gendered salutations that we hear regularly in society to learning about the problematic nature of gendered greetings to taking the first step by sharing your own pronouns within interactions—we're here to spread awareness of how gender-neutral greetings fit into today's evolving landscape of gender identity, inclusivity, and expression. After all, prioritizing this change in communication will personally affect more people than you might think.
The Personal Impact of Gendered Remarks
“Will that be all, sir?” the associate said to me as I took out my wallet to pay for my groceries.
“All set,” I replied, my lips still half-open, poised and wanting to correct them, but deciding against it. Instead, I clenched my mouth and moved on with my day, slightly insulted.
It rarely made me feel better to tell someone they used the wrong gender salutation. Often, it made me feel worse to point out their mistake. The usually well-intentioned offender would feel embarrassed and apologize and I would feel bad that they felt bad and wonder why I didn’t just leave it alone. Or worse, sometimes they wouldn’t seem to care that their assumptions had made someone feel bad, which would make me feel indignation. When I didn’t say anything, though, I carried the burden of feeling bad all on my own. What’s more, even if I could brush the hurt off after a few seconds, they had no way of knowing that they had mislabeled someone and were more likely to go to do it again, perhaps to someone who might be more vulnerable than I, like a younger person or someone who is transgender.
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Gendered Salutations are More Common Than You Think
There is no good reason to put perfect strangers going about their business into a cerebral and emotional tailspin simply because you tried to guess their gender and got it wrong. Yes, habits are deeply ingrained, but just because our gendered speech is largely subconscious, it doesn't mean it does not harm others. Now is a perfectly good time to lean into a deeper respect for others and shed gender salutations in everyday life.
“Gendered salutations happen more than we are aware of,” said Jane Barry-Moran, the New York-based Director of Research and Program Strategy at Out Leadership, a global LGBTQ+ business network that helps Out leaders and companies connect with talent, transform organizations and compete on social purpose. “Of course, in writing it is easy to spot—ladies and gentleman, Mr., Mrs., Ms., etc. It's also common in our speech terms like ‘you guys,’ which are, in fact, gendered and can feel uncomfortable for many,” Barry-Moran said.
“Can I get you a refill, ma’am?” “How can I help you, sir?” “Ladies and gentlemen, please take your seats.” The more you look, the easier it is to spot just how ubiquitous gendered salutations are—when you are greeted by an associate at a store or a service person at an establishment of any kind, over the loudspeaker at theaters or sports arenas, or at work or school.
Why Guessing Someone’s Gender is Problematic
Our gender is assigned to us as one or the other before we are even born and we are placed in stringent boxes with those labels for life. Those labels, whether or not they fit who we know ourselves to be, determine what colors we wear as babies, what toys we get to play with, what activities we get to engage in, how we are expected to act and feel, who we are supposed to love and befriend, what jobs we are supposed to pursue, and how much money we will make. We are forever prescribed to one of these two boxes and reminded of how much we fit into them or don’t, each time we’re greeted by a stranger.
“When someone uses salutations like ‘ladies and gentleman,’ ‘sir and madame,’ or ‘boys and girls,’ it implies there are no nonbinary people in the audience,” said Eli Erlick, founder of Trans Student Educational Resources in New York City. “It both misgenders and erases people who may have wanted to participate in an activity, conversation, or event.”
Related: What it Means to Identify as 'Non-Binary'
If we don’t match the presumed gender that society has assigned us, people guess wrong. That can lead to everything from hurt feelings to assault, or worse. For LGBTQ people and transgender people, in particular, this means mundane tasks like going to the supermarket, learning in school, or walking down the street, can pose threats of bodily harm.
“Being misgendered for trans and non-binary folks is extremely uncomfortable and a compounding experience of oppression,” said Barry-Moran. “When we misgender someone we are cutting to a deep part of their own story and their own identity. People make mistakes on pronouns or gendered language and that is okay, but not being willing to learn from those mistakes is disrespectful to someone's experience and identity.”
The Landscape Has Changed and Salutations Must, Too
Times are changing and our gender salutations need updating to match the reality of gender identity and expression that exists today. Four in ten adults and more than 50% of those ages 18 to 29 say there should be more than two gender options on forms, according to a 2019 Pew Research Survey.
About 3% of the U.S. population, roughly the same number of people who are red-headed, are transgender, or identify as a gender that is different from the one that they were assigned at birth. An estimated 1.2 million people in the U.S. identify as nonbinary, or not identifying as any one gender, according to the Williams Institute at UCLA School of Law.
How to Go Gender-Neutral in Your Salutations
The notion of having to constantly be aware of, and actively remove, gendered words from salutations can feel overwhelming at first. After all, they are so deeply embedded in our psyche that undoing that learned habit requires effort. It may feel uncomfortable at first or forced. Change is rarely comfortable or easy, but that doesn’t make it wrong or not worth doing. In fact, according to the great Albert Einstein, “The measure of intelligence is the ability to change.”
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As society has evolved, we’ve dropped gendered titles and salutations. Firemen became firefighters, policemen, police officers, construction men to construction workers. These terms may have felt awkward rolling off the tongue at first to those who used the older words daily, but they have become second nature by now, as does most anything with time and use. The same is true for gendered salutations that you might be using on a regular basis.
“It's as easy to unlearn presumptive language as it is to learn it in the first place,” said Erlick. “We're taught from a young age to incorporate gender into our language. It is difficult for many people to leave behind formalities they were taught in childhood. However, re-learning gendered language is more of a cultural struggle than it is an exercise.”
How Do Gender Neutral Salutations Work in Practice?
Start by being aware. Stop yourself if you are greeting someone with presumed gendered language. Say, “Good afternoon, can I help you?” rather than “Good afternoon, guys.” It’s that simple! Or “Attention, guests, please make your way to the ballroom for the main program,” rather than “Attention ladies and gentlemen.” It really is that simple.
There are also gender-neutral terms that are already in the English dictionary ripe for picking. “For the classroom, TSER always recommends ‘students’ in place of ‘boys and girls,’” said Erlick. “It's clear and concise - plus it doesn't infantilize students!”
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Erlick also recommends that terms like Mx. can be used in place of Mr. or Mrs. if you don’t know what someone’s gender is. The term, which has been around since the 1970s, is becoming more popular. “It's important to remember we aren't looking to get rid of ‘Mr.’ or ‘Ms.’ like some pundits claim,” said Erlick. “We simply want to not make assumptions about how someone prefers to be referred to. If someone wants to use those terms, it should be up to them individually.”
When it comes to written salutations versus verbal, you can add pronouns on video conferencing platforms and change email greetings to gender-neutral terms like “friends,” or “colleagues,” shared Barry-Moran.
“You have a platform and an audience no matter your industry or type of role. Your words have an impact and this can be a great way to signal that you are working to create an inclusive place for your team, coworkers, and clients,” Barry-Moran said.
When Gendered Salutations Are Okay
Being more aware of when and how you use gendered salutations is only going to help you be more inclusive and avoid offending people. But you don’t always have to avoid using gendered language.
When you are encountering someone in more than just passing—as in, you are engaged in deeper conversation or meeting someone who you will be spending some amount of time with, it’s okay to use gendered greetings or references.
“We use gendered language in everyday speech,” said Erlick. “Pronouns, salutations, and greetings are often gendered. Contrary to the current social panic, the trans community doesn't want to get rid of gendered language. What we want is accurate language. We can't know someone's gender just from looking at them or knowing their name. We have to ask first. Addressing people—trans and cis—by the correct gender helps us create more welcoming spaces.”
The key to getting gendered salutations right means not making an assumption about what their gender or pronouns are. Simply ask instead.
Introduce your own pronouns first as a respectful way to ask, offers Barry-Moran. “By introducing your own pronouns, you are acknowledging that it shouldn't be assumed and [it creates] space for people to feel comfortable stating their own preferred greetings,” she said.
If you get it wrong, just “apologize and move on!” said Erlick. “Sometimes misgendering can happen accidentally and that's okay! We all make mistakes.”
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