Are you a serial fibber? The nine little white lies we always tell ourselves
Honesty is always the aim. Course it is. But is it, on occasion, overrated? And, sometimes, does day-to-day survival get in the way? Too busy, too anxious, too childish, too poleaxed, too cross, too embarrassed to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
So we withhold a bit of information. We manipulate the material. Cook the data a little. Mess with the numbers. We say, ‘Of course I was listening,’ or, ‘Can’t wait to see you.’ We fiddle with the facts. Just enough so we can breathe. Just enough so we can protect everyone from what is really going on inside our heads. Just enough so we can live to lie another day. And anyone who says they don’t. Well. They are obviously lying.
I’m chained to my desk
Quick breakfast? ‘Sorry, chained to desk.’ Lunch? ‘Chained desk.’ Drinks? ‘Desk.’ It’s the universal answer to all work invitations. You will get sympathy, understanding, acknowledgement. Also, the moral high ground.
I wasn’t taking a selfie
‘Sorry, what? No, of course we weren’t taking a quick picture to see how our nose hairs are hanging, or if the Botox has kicked in. Or to see how we look in this light, or by this plant, or lying down at this angle. How very dare you…’
I’m not jealous
Jealousy is a waste of time. Grown-ups don’t get jealous. Why would we? Corrosive envy is bad for sleep and we practise incredible sleep hygiene every night, not thinking about that dress, the bank account, the jobs of anyone we know.
I’m not hungry
We are always hungry. We don’t know why. We don’t really care why.
I’m quite enjoying not drinking
For those times when you have been having a bit too good a time and you realise that good times can become bad times if you don’t prove to yourself that you are fine without the booze. You can still have fun without the booze. You are empowered without the booze. And you feel amazing. Efficient. Firing on all cylinders. You are not bored. At all.
What, this old thing?
You haven’t been painstakingly researching this outfit, planning it for weeks, tracking it down at the only outlet in the UK, or been to Paris for the weekend to buy it and then had it copied in every different shade by your secret seamstress. It’s just something you threw on in an entirely relaxed fashion. Because you are an entirely relaxed individual.
I’ve left Instagram
You tell EVERYONE how it’s making you feel so much better, more human, more connected to your spiritual side. Two weeks later, you are back, lurking at first, with an ‘I just needed it for work’ excuse.
You don’t look tired
Telling someone they look tired is not a kindness. Everyone knows we all look exhausted. ‘You don’t look tired at all,’ is a mercy. Be merciful out there.
I’m afraid I’m flat out that week
If anyone looked at your diary they would see ‘IN’, ‘IN’, ‘IN’, in red pen over three nights this week. But they are nowhere near your diary. So they will never know. Shhh.