Riverdale Recap: Hello, Serpent Cooper
Warning: Spoilers for Riverdale season two, episode eight, "House of the Devil," are ahead.
In this episode of Riverdale we STILL don't get to see the repercussions of the Black Hood's threats against the town. We do, however, get more into the backstory of the Riverdale Reaper, the return of FP Jones, and the most lit party the South Side has ever seen–and Archie Andrews had his shirt off for 30 percent of it.
Despite laying down several important bricks for the next episode, it felt as if very little happened... until, of course, everything shattered in the final 15 minutes, including mine and everyone else's sanity. So if you don't mind, I'm going to breeze through the plotty bits, so we can get to the strip teases and (multiple) heartbreaks.
Veronica is all out of love, Archie's so lost without her.
As usual, Jughead eases us into the episode with his Gossip Girl-esque narrations about the town's reaction to BH's latest threat, but he also gets a little too personal about his best friends' sex lives. “In the case of Archie and Veronica, it was through carnal defiance. With every kiss and embrace it was like they were saying, ‘you have no power over me, death," he writes over a montage of hook-ups between our favorite red head and Riverdale socialite. What is he writing this for? Is it a weekly blog? A novel? Did Archie sign a waver?
Anyway, A and V are sexing it up all over town until Archie drops the 'L' word. when Veronica doesn't reciprocate, he pretty much flees.
Meanwhile, Jughead and Betty are dealing with a separate set of issues over at Pop's diner. Yes, the Riverdale Reaper is real, not just some story cooked up by last week's creepy trucker. But for once in J and B's short lives, they don't want to investigate. FP Jones is finally getting out of prison, thanks to the snake-charmer, and Jug wants to be there for him. Betty says she needs a break from the Black Hood. I think she's entitled. So they enlist Archie and Veronica to take over. Luckily, those two need a distraction.
You know who else are on board for an Archie/Veronica team-up? Hermione and Hiram Lodge who, like a dozen more families, received a personal letter from the Black Hood telling them to watch out. "We wouldn't mind seeing more of Archie," Hermione tells Veronica. "He's brawny and devoted to you." She's not lying.
When Veronica and Archie turn to Sheriff Keller for the files from the Riverdale Reaper case, he tells them that the past Sheriff, who died years ago, might have them and gives the pair his daughter's number. Why is the Sheriff encouraging this? Everyone adult on this show is so bad at being an adult. More on that later.
When that lead sends them off to the house on the edge of Fox Forrest, we learn that the entire family was NOT, in fact murdered in the middle of the night. There was a third, surviving child, who's name was changed and remained in Riverdale. Hoping to find out if the victim has any information on the Black Hood (or IS the Black Hood, as Jughead points out), the two match a photo of Joseph Conway with an old yearbook to find his current identity–it's the Janitor, Mr. Sventson!
But according to Archie, he's not the Black Hood because his eyes don't match. Sventson does give them some crucial information: the Riverdale Reaper is dead. After escaping his wrath, Sventson identified the killer to some men in town who murdered him. There is SO. MUCH. MURDER. So I guess the hunt for the Black Hood is still on.
Guess who just got back today, that wild-eyed boy that had been away.
FP Jones is back in town! Jughead, Betty, and Alice Cooper pick him up from prison and bring him back to Pop's diner for his first meal as a free man: burgers and milkshakes, of course. Thus commences a series of bizarre flirting between my favorite Bughead parallel, Alice and FP.
Alice: Is it true what they say about men who just got out of prison?
FP: What?
Alice: That they're incredibly sexually frustrated?
What?! This may be the weirdest thing to come out of Alice Cooper's mouth, but FP seems kind of into it. But he has a bomb to drop–he will not be returning to the Serpents, much to the chagrin of Jughead, who was hoping FP would help him get the Serpents on the straight and narrow. Instead he'll be working at Pop's and going to AA meetings, which seems like a great plan to me.
All he asks of Jughead is that he keeps away from Penny Peabody and keeps writing, despite his new extracurricular activities. Jughead swears his deal with Penny was settled (liar) and that he writes ever day–especially about his best friend's sex life. Too bad Penny Peabody has other plans. She calls up Jug again, but this time he doesn't play ball. Despite her threats against him, FP, and even Betty, Jughead reminds her that "an attack against me an my father is an attack against all of the Serpents." Game on.
This wouldn't be a Riverdale Reunion without a party, though, and after Cheryl humiliates FP on the job, Betty decides it would be a great idea to throw him a retirement at the White Worm, complete with karaoke machine.
While getting the party set up, she turns to Toni for some advice. If FP is not going to be around to protect Jughead, then Betty has to. Toni asks her if she wants to be a Serpent. "Serpent adjacent," Betty responds. But if you're a women trying to join the gang, you have to do the Serpent dance, or as Toni puts it, "some outdated, sexist Serpent tradition." Sounds like a job for Dark Betty.
It's my party and I'll strip if I want to.
Guys, shit's about to get trippy. Alice, decked out in purple lipstick and a see-through top, is chatting up the bartender and taking shots as if she never truly left the serpents, and this party looks too rowdy for a group of teenagers.
Archie finally gets a moment to talk about the 'love" shaped elephant in the room with Veronica, and proves once again that he's the absolute WORST. Here's what happens IMMEDIATELY after he tells V it's totally ok if she doesn't say it back.
Veronica: Thank you for understanding
[Archie looks visibly put off]
Archie: You're welcome. I signed us up for a duet. That Donnie Darko song you love....or strongly like, at least. Or can you not do that either?
What sort of nice-guy, manipulative bullshit is that? Thus begins the weirdest rendition of Gary Jules' 'Mad World' that I have ever witnessed. (Side note: with 'Out Tonight' and now this, I'm pretty sure Riverdale creator Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa is actually just 15-year old me. That's a compliment, obviously)
Veronica can't even with Archie's bullshit either and ends up running off the stage mid-song, with Archie chasing after her. The crowd of serpents is visibly upset, booing and throwing things, which is a very extreme reaction to the unexpected end of a way-too mellow karaoke act. Luckily Betty is there to save the day.
As if hearing Betty sing for the first time wasn't enough, she starts taking off her damn clothes. In front of her mother! And Tallboy! I'm very uncomfortable and she hadn't even started her pole dance yet. What the fuck did I just watch? Is she a serpent now?
When the song ends, FP takes the stage giving her a round of applause, which seemed weird until you realize he's having some kind of breakdown. In an alcohol-induced speech, FP announces he is not leaving the serpents, their his only real family because his own has let him down, and, basically, fuck the police. Why the sudden change? FP found out about Jughead's debt with the snake charmer and is taking it on himself. The moment he takes Jughead's face in his hands and says "you broke my heart." I almost sobbed. WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST CALL YOUR DAD, JUG?
And the hits keep coming.
Outside, Veronica breaks up with Archie because she can't give him the love he deserves.
Jughead breaks up with Betty because he doesn't want to destroy her. "How many times are we going to push each other away?" She asks. "Until it sticks." Now I'm actually crying.
Back at home, Archie, shirtless as ever, catches Betty's gaze from across the way. Jughead narrates, "And a boy looked out his window at the girl next door... as if for the very. first. time."
Well, fuck.
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