The relationship between women and their mothers-in-law is often fraught, but it needn't be impossible

Whenever her mother-in-law came to stay, -Vanessa Trent would go out of her way to make her feel welcome. "As soon as she arrived, I'd drop everything and set aside a few hours for a catch-up and a cup of tea or a glass of wine," says mother-of-one Trent, 43.

Despite her best intentions, it took Trent a few years to realise that her husband's mother, Liz, had other expectations of her. "While I thought I was being hospitable and hostess-y, Liz dropped hints that I might use her time with us better if I caught up with my housework. She'd mention that when her mum-in-law came to stay when her kids were small she'd take that opportunity to clean the oven. When she once found me dusting the picture rails, her comment was: 'I'm so pleased, but what really drives me mad is when you don't clear the breakfast table'."

Their differing views finally came to a head one evening at a birthday dinner for her husband, Adrian, four years into their marriage. In a light-hearted moment, Trent thanked Liz for buying him some new shirts, "especially the non-iron ones".

"I made a joke about how Adrian really appreciated those particular shirts. She looked at me and said: 'Do you mean you don't do Adrian's ironing?' I replied no, because we both work full time. She then proceeded to tell me that she still felt it was my job to do them, even though Adrian agreed with me." Now when Liz descends on their Berkshire home, Trent says she gets through it by "battening down the hatches" and holding her tongue.

Trent admits she is in the six out of 10 married women who can find their relationship with their mothers-in-laws a strain, according to Cambridge University research. Not quite family, but never really friends, the mother and daughter-in-law relationship has tension built into it from the start. After all, it's a bond that brings women with different values and upbringings together with the expectation they should agree on what it means to be a wife and mother.

There are now signs that this problematic relationship is coming under even further pressure. We no longer live in an era when a woman's chief role is still seen as a supporter of her spouse and a homemaker, yet it seems many mothers-in-law have trouble moving with the times if their daughter-in-law's career ends up affecting their sons or grandchildren.

In interviews for her book, What Do You Want From Me?, Terri Apter, a Cambridge psychologist, found that even mothers-in-law who had high-flying jobs of their own tended to prefer daughters-in-law who were not career women.

Dr Deanna Brann, a psychotherapist and author of Reluctantly Related, admits that the relationship is delicate. "Both parties come into it not really knowing each other and yet feel they need to form a relationship immediately," she says. "They try but usually it feels forced or it's based on very differing perspectives, which immediately puts them at odds with one another."

Furthermore, she adds, the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law dynamic is the most fraught of all in-law relationships, much more so than men and mothers-in-law, despite jokes made about the latter.

Dr Brann says: "The relationship between two women is, on average, more intimate and emotional than men's. They focus on whether they feel connected to their in-law. There is also a competitive aspect that comes into play."

Yet while you might assume this contest is for the husband or son's love, that's not the case, according to Dr Brann: "The competition is for the influence these two women have over him."

Dr Angharad Rudkin, a psychologist who works with families, says it is difficult for a daughter-in-law and mother-in-law to ever make it work entirely. "Even if they're both brought up pretty similarly, a new daughter-in-law is still not from that family. It's a barrier few manage to jump over completely, especially if the underlying position of the in-law is 'are you good enough for my child?' The most you can usually hope for is a compromise where there is openness and honesty."

Rosemary Mitchell, 62, from Plymouth, Devon, is a mother-in-law viewing the relationship from the other side. Her son's wife, Naomi, works full-time as a manager so, to help the couple with childcare, Mitchell has agreed to spend one day a week looking after her young grandchild while trying to establish her own second career as a -garden designer.

Secretly, however, Mitchell admits she thinks her daughter-in-law is not grateful enough for her son, who she feels gets stuck with the lion's share of the bedtime routine after he's done a day's work at the office.

Mitchell says: "These days, young mums want a full-time job because they have higher expectations of their lifestyles - they want luxury holidays, gadgets and designer clothes. I'm left sacrificing my new career for my daughter-in-law's, especially when she asks me to do extra babysitting. It's as if my career is a hobby because I am over 60."

Differences of opinion

To add insult to injury, Mitchell is offended when Naomi leaves strict instructions on how two-year-old Edith is to be looked after. "I ignore those. If I'm good enough to look after her child, she has to put up with my way of doing it. And I obviously did a good job raising her husband."

Yet through all this, Rosemary bites her tongue, for fear of a rift opening up with her son and his wife. "If I'm ever on the verge of saying anything when we're together, my husband gives me a little kick under the table."

According to Dr Rudkin, the best way to avoid such buried resentments is for both mother-in-law and daughter-in-law to chat openly about their lives, experiences and views on childcare. "Every generation thinks the one after them has it easy. Ask your mother-in-law questions like, 'what was it like for you, bringing up children? How did you feel at the time?' Acknowledge their views and share yours."

Indeed, when Trent started talking to Liz about her own experiences as a working mother 30 years ago, she started to understand where her expectations came from. "She told me about how she worked long hours as a restaurant manager when my husband was little, but prided herself on coming home every night and doing all the housework. Although I still find my mother-in-law difficult, I've stopped taking her criticism so personally."

Names have been changed