All 15 Winter Olympic Events Ranked By How Scared I, A Mere Mortal, Would Be Attempting Them
The 2022 Winter Olympic Games are officially upon us, and the world's best (and coldest) athletes have gathered in Beijing, China, to ski, skate, and curl their way to glorious victory.
Mostly curl, though.
As a person who both a) loves the Olympics and b) is so unathletic that the nicest thing my middle school basketball coach could say about me was that I'm tall*, I thought I'd rank every Winter Olympic event based on how terrified a card-carrying inside kid such as myself would be to try them out.
*For the record, I am tall, but not so tall that it should count as an achievement in and of itself.
And while no one should ever give me permission to chase my ski-jumping dreams*, for the safety of both myself and society at large, I can still try to imagine how I'd feel if I was about to fling myself down a giant ramp in the name of individual and national greatness. (Bad. I would feel bad.)
*They are, in fact, nightmares.
Here are all 15 Winter Olympic events ranked from "not scary" to "scary" to "I don't even want to think about these ones, aka the sliding sports."
15.Cross-Country Skiing
What Is It? An endurance sport that asks the question, "How far and how fast can you go when your arms are doing the work gravity usually does?"
Despite the fact that I grew up in the barren wintry wasteland more popularly known as New England, I'm a terrible skier. I've only done it once, but believe you me, that half-hour lesson was more than enough time to discover that I couldn't tell my pizzas from my french fries, even when it was the only thing that stood between me and falling off a mountain.
That being said, the idea of cross-country skiing makes my arms ache more than it does my stomach drop, so if I ever found myself on a tundra with someplace to be, I'd strap on some skis and give it my best shot. I wouldn't get far, but unless I ran into some bears, I probably wouldn't severely injure myself, either.
Full disclosure: I have an inexplicable and factually indefensible belief that encountering random bears is a legitimate risk in all outdoor winter sports. That aside, cross-country skiing isn't all that scary.
Terror Rating: 0.5/5 Olympic Rings
14.Curling
What Is It? C'mon, you're on the Internet. You know what curling is. The one with the brooms? And the round stones sanded as smooth as the most satisfying photos of soft-serve ice cream? It's the beloved weird middle child of the Winter Olympics, the alpha and omega of people asking, "Is Canada even real?" It is, and so is this frigid shuffleboard of dreams.
The only reason I consider curling scarier than cross-country skiing is the possibility of dropping one of those stones on your foot. Otherwise, I would curl in a heartbeat. Soccer has been called the most beautiful game, but that's only because whoever said that had never heard of curling.
But, and I cannot stress this enough, I'm not good at sports. So what if I'm so bad at curling that I actually end up besmirching its good name? I couldn't live with the guilt of it, and that's more frightening than taking a hunk of granite to the toes.
On the off chance that you're a curler, I have to ask: Do you customize your brooms? Or name them? Personally, I'd call my broom MineSweeper.
Terror Rating: 0.75/5 Olympic Rings
13.Figure Skating
What Is It? If curling is the middle child of the Winter Olympics, figure skating is its over-achieving older sibling. Second only to ice itself in terms of its importance to the Games, figure skating is consistently popular and is the Winter Olympics' oldest event.
Every time I see figure skaters, I want to figure skate. And that desire outweighs the fact that I can't skate. Like, at all.
It goes without saying that the costumes themselves are an unstoppable force, and those sequins and feathers may be enough for me to overcome my phobia of flinging myself through the air with knives attached to my boots.
No other athletes have to compete in black slacks, and for that, figure skaters should be commended.
Terror Rating: 1/5 Olympic Rings
12.Biathlon
What Is It? A series of races that combine cross-country skiing and rifle shooting. It's like if that movie where Leonardo DiCaprio fights a bear became a sport.
According to the Olympics, the biathlon can be traced back to Scandinavian hunters doing everything biathletes do, but to survive rather than get their picture on a Wheaties box. Though if Wheaties boxes existed back in the day, they would've been prime candidates. Norway's army started holding biathlon-adjacent competitions for its soldiers, and an old-school version of the sport appeared at a few Olympics pre-1950. It was called "military patrol" and it involved "ski mountaineering" in addition to skiing and shooting, because where you and I see a mountain, Norway sees an opportunity.
While it's without a doubt hardcore, I'd be willing to try competing in a biathlon, though I should probably use a paintball gun rather than a rifle, or maybe one of those machines that shoots bubbles.
You ever see a photo and think, "Yeah, those people will survive the apocalypse just fine?"
Terror Rating: 1.5/5 Olympic Rings
11.Ice Hockey
What Is It? Little puck, little nets, big sticks. You know the drill.
I've never played hockey, but the fact that it's a team sport appeals to me, both because of the camaraderie and the possibility that I can hide behind other players, who hopefully have actually played before.
That being said, the fact that there's a word in hockey that specifically means "getting smashed into the side of the rink" doesn't make me enthusiastic about my chances.
Shoutout to whoever designed the uniform for the Canadian women's team at the 2006 Games for making the most Canadian image possible: A hockey player inside a maple leaf.
Terror Rating: 2/5 Olympic Rings
10.Speed Skating
What Is It? Exactly what it sounds like! A timed event that requires that you skate like the reputation of the Netherlands, which has won 121 medals (42 gold) in the event, is resting on your aerodynamic shoulders.
Yeah, sure, I'd try this. I wouldn't have much in the way of speed, but there's only so far to fall when you're this close to the ice, so it has potential.
This is a side note, but I think speed skaters have my favorite outfits so far. This ensemble really drives home the whole "pushing my body to the outer limits of human achievement" thing.
The neon bodysuit industry is singlehandedly kept alive by the Winter Olympics.
Terror Rating: 2.25/5 Olympic Rings
9.Short Track Speed Skating
What Is It? As expected, it's speed skating on a shorter track, but according to the Olympics, the major difference is that short track speed skaters "race against one another — not the clock."
My first instinct would be to rank this one lower than speed skating, since a shorter track means there's less time for me to remember that I don't know what I'm doing and subsequently tumble over, but then I remembered the tale of Australian speed skater Steven Bradbury and his crash-induced glory.
The year: 2002. The city: Salt Lake. When skaters in the lead of the 1000m event got in a huge crash while Bradbury was in last place, he was able to stay upright, skate by them, and win gold. This was the first-ever Winter Olympics gold medal won by Australia, a place not particularly well-known for its winter sports. Or winters, period.
I'm glad Bradbury won his gold, but he was, you know, an actual speed skater. Racing against other athletes in a confined space causes "regular crashes," and while Bradbury had nothing to do with the crash that led to his victory, I'm pretty sure my inexperience would cause some sort of kerfuffle. And if the other skaters got mad, well, they're fast and I'm not.
Thus, I'm sticking to regular old speed skating.
Terror Rating: 2.5/5 Olympic Rings
8.Alpine Skiing
What Is It? Gravity may have taken the day off for cross-country, but no such luck for alpine skiing. According to the Olympics (and they should know), alpine skiers "regularly" reach speeds of 95 miles per hour while navigating courses in events like slalom ("hey, ski in between these super narrow gates") and downhill ("get to the bottom and get there quick").
Rest assured, I haven't gotten any better at skiing between this entry and the cross-country one. Adding extraordinary speed and, oh yeah, a goddamn mountain to the mix doesn't make me any more confident in my abilities.
This is probably physically impossible, but I think if I attempted this event, I would roll down the course and end up encased in a giant snowball at the end.
Within the alpine skiing community, this phenomenon is known as the "cartoon effect." (It's not, and I'm not a member of the alpine skiing community. Clearly.)
Terror Rating: 3/5 Olympic Rings
7.Freestyle Skiing
What Is It? A series of events including big air, moguls, and halfpipe, among others. The ski cross is a timed competition, but every other event is judged based on the impressiveness of the athlete's tricks and their open defiance of the laws of physics.
This is a stick figure symbol for alpine skiing. The speed and extreme angle of the slope is implied, but otherwise, seems straightforward enough.
And here is one for freestyle skiing, which clearly denotes this sport as the dominion of chaos.
If cross-country skiers politely ignore gravity and alpine skiers welcome it, freestyle skiers spit at its feet and challenge it to a dance battle.
If I ever find myself upside-down in midair with a pair of skis strapped on, I will know something has gone terribly wrong.
Terror Rating: 4/5 Olympic Rings
6.Snowboard
What Is It? We now round out the Winter Olympics sibling trio with snowboarding, the family's upstart kid brother. It's only been included since the 1998 Games, but snowboarding events like halfpipe, big air, and slopestyle have quickly become iconic.
I don't love heights...
...but it's safe to say that I wouldn't get this high.
Snowboarding and freestyle skiing are essentially tied in this ranking, but snowboarding seems marginally more stressful. I could be wrong, though. I googled "skiing vs. snowboarding what's harder," and I found the same quote over and over again: Skiing is easier to learn but harder to master. Since I'm not mastering anything, I'm going to have to go with snowboarding as the more intimidating option.
Terror Rating: Like, 4.1/5 Olympic Rings?
5.Nordic Combined
What Is It? Cross-country skiing + ski jumping + pure Nordic vibes = Nordic Combined.
This is the only sport that I had no idea existed, and it is now the one I am most excited to watch. My money's on Norway (mostly because they've won 31 medals in the event).
But as far as trying it myself: Anything that involves ski jumping is a non-starter for me, for reasons that I think should be obvious to anyone who is not a ski jumper. If you are a ski jumper, know that I am supporting you. From the ground.
Or possibly the ski lodge, where I'll be enjoying a warm beverage.
Terror Rating: 5/5 Olympic Rings
4.Bobsleigh
What Is It? I'll let John Candy's character from Cool Runnings take this one. To quote the (entirely fictional) disgraced bobsleigh coach Irving Blitzer, "Basically, what you're looking to do is get your sorry rear ends from the top of an icy chute to the bottom. You're zigging. You're zagging. It's the biggest, coldest roller coaster you've ever been on." Thanks, Coach Irv!
The bobsleigh, which comes in four-person, two-person, and women's monobob varieties, is one of three "sliding sports" featured at the Winter Olympics. (The other two are skeleton and luge, but don't you worry, we'll get to those momentarily.) If we're giving out medals for the amount of terror inflicted, the sliding sports have easily got the gold, and it is at this point in the ranking that we've moved from "haha yeah pretty scary" to "the very idea of attempting this will keep me up at night."
Throughout our lives, we must ask ourselves what we'd do for ourselves, our loved ones, and our countries. And if for some reason climbing into a bobsled was mandated by any three of those groups, I'd have my answer: not this.
There are some sensations I'm just not meant to experience, and whatever this athlete is feeling as they hurtle down an icy gauntlet is one of them.
Terror Rating: We are now off the charts.
3.Luge
What Is It? The fastest sliding sport, with athletes traveling at 75 to 90 miles per hour on average while lying on their back and watching the sky pass them by at a speed that should be reserved for commercial flight.
When I think about this sport, my heart starts beating in Morse code that roughly translates to, "Oh hell no."
There is nothing scarier than luge.
Luge has a doubles event, which is confusing to me on a logistical level but would be my preference regardless, since having a buddy makes everything better, up to and including this madness.
Terror Rating: The chart has now run away screaming.
2.Skeleton
What Is It? An on-your-belly luge with the most metal name in the Olympic Games.
Hey look, I found something scarier than luge. That took five whole seconds. Never change, Winter Olympics.
When you describe skeleton, it sounds like a ritual designed by ancient civilizations to appease their vengeful gods. How do you even get your start in this sport? At what point do you decide to dedicate your life to hurtling face-first down a physicalization of the mortal coil constructed from ice?
And how desperately do parents of these athletes try to convince them to try a safer activity, like baseball or competitive base-jumping?
Every sliding sport athlete should get a Nobel Prize, or at the very least free drinks at every single bar for the rest of their lives.
The helmet game in skeleton is strong across the board, but Shinsuke Tayama's excellent pegasus motif is my personal favorite. (This picture was taken at the 2010 Games.)
Terror Rating: The chart wants to know what it ever did to you.
1.Ski Jumping
What Is It? A pageant of terror. Ski jumping hills are measured by their K Point, which according to NBC is the "distance from the takeoff that is equivalent to the height of the hill." During the 2018 Games, the K Point of the normal hill was 98 meters (approximately 320 feet). The K Point of the large hill was 125 meters (approximately 410 feet).
I didn't realize ski jumping would be number one until I ranked all the other sports. It'll be skeleton, I thought. The name fits and we can all go home early, I thought.
Then I remembered this, and I knew there could be no other winner.
The sliding sports scare me in theory, but ski jumping scares me to the very core of my being. It is a visceral rejection of every instinct of self-preservation the human brain has amassed over thousands of years of evolution.
It is magnificent, and it is hellish. Such is the duality of the Winter Olympics.
Here's a pitch for Marvel: Add a ski jumper to the roster. Just a regular guy, maybe named Lars, who ski jumps. He will be braver than every other Avenger combined.
Terror Rating: The chart has passed out and we are now trying to revive it.
