Are You Quiet Quitting Your Relationship?
Remember when everyone was leaning into work? These days, it feels like more and more people are embracing the idea of leaning out. Over the last year, burnout and low job satisfaction blossomed into a phenomenon known as quiet quitting. Essentially, this involves doing only what your job requires, nothing more. There’s no staying late, no going the extra mile, no taking on additional projects or tasks. While you don’t resign, you stop trying so darn hard. For some, this is simply a way to create work-life balance; for others, it’s a sign of being unhappy at work but not knowing what to do about it.
This concept of quiet quitting could apply to several life situations—including your relationship. “Quiet quitting in a relationship [means you stop] exerting the energy, emotion, or investment in the future that you previously put into the relationship,” says Lynn Saladino, PsyD, a therapist in New York City. “You are technically still committed but have stopped trying.”
And while it may make sense to quiet quit your job (hey, you need a paycheck, and there’s nothing wrong with setting boundaries), doing this in your love life isn’t likely to fulfill you. Read on for all the details on why you may be tempted to quiet quit your relationship, along with signs you may already be doing it.
Why quiet quit in love?
If you’ve stopped trying, why not just breakup with your partner? According to Saladino, there are a variety of reasons a person may choose to quiet quit. A common reason is that it feels like there are solid reasons to stay. “There could be obligatory reasons—like having kids together,” explains Saladino. “Or there could be emotional reasons, such as family pressure or being scared of being alone.”
A tendency to avoid conflict or difficult conversations may also be to blame. “Rather than addressing what you need, you may opt to avoid it,” says Saladino. “Or you may feel like you have tried to address an issue and then gave up because no progress was made. As a result, resentment builds, and you check out.”
The act of quiet quitting in a relationship may be something that happens over time—Saladino says some people will disengage from one part of the relationship, then another and another, until they’re fully disengaged. “In other cases, people make an active decision to stay but no longer try,” she says.
Signs you’re quiet quitting your relationship
Wondering if you’re quiet quitting? If you even need to ask yourself that question, it’s a sign that you just might be.
Saladino says that other signs include:
Avoiding conversations that could resolve conflict
Trying not to be home when your partner is
Coming up with reasons to avoid spending quality time together
Talking to everyone around you about your relationship challenges except your partner
Being in the same physical space regularly but avoiding actually touching your partner
Finding reasons not to talk about the future
Resigning yourself to the idea that things will never change, so there’s no need to try
Next steps
If you suspect you are guilty of slowly fading out of your partnership, the first step is to figure out your “why.” Do you want to leave but something is stopping you? Is there something you wish your partner were doing more of?
Next, ask yourself why you aren’t addressing the why. “If you are scared or nervous to leave or there’s an area of your relationship that needs work, these things can be tackled—sometimes with help from a professional,” says Saladino. “Ask yourself, What help would I need to help me figure this out?” This can give you a clearer picture of what you need to do to either reengage in your relationship or move on so you can find the love you deserve.
“Living in a relationship that feels disconnected or ‘dead’ is not fun for anyone involved,” reminds Saladino. You owe it to yourself—and your partner—to take the steps necessary to get to the bottom of what’s going on.
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