A Psychologist's Guide to Asking Your Partner for Some Space
In March, when many of us became officially homebound and bid adieu to our old routines, you probably realized there was an upside: being able to have more time with your loved ones. You've spent more time in the kitchen, or bopping around in the backyard, and having plenty of game nights. But as the new year approaches, even optimists can't deny it: The allure of staying home has all but vanished, and many may feel, well… ticked off. Annoyed at overhearing way too many Zooms and mindless humming and whistling, finding towers of dishes in the sink and laundry on the floor, and discovering so many other idiosyncrasies that have reared their ugly heads.
Are you searching for a day, or an hour — or even 10 minutes?! — of uninterrupted, do-whatever-you want, dance-in-in-your-underwear kind of time? You're not alone. It actually makes a whole lot of sense that you probably feel physically and emotionally crowded by your partner or whoever you live with right now, says Guy Winch, Ph.D., a psychologist who has authored several books on emotional wellbeing in relationships and is co-creator of the podcast Dear Therapists.
We’re spending seemingly endless time with those in our households, full stop. This is true even if you are still "going" to work or social events (those moments that normally give couples a break in the day). And we're still melding so many more everyday routines with one another. “It’s not a vacation after all,” Winch says. This year, you've seen partners in work-mode, stressed-out-mode, on-a-deadline-mode, and all of the non-glorious, non-glamorous moments in between.
We’re also dealing with a whole new set of stressors, thanks to COVID-19, adds Robin Stern, Ph.D., a research scientist at the Child Study Center at Yale University and a director for the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence. Tensions are high, to say the least. “The forced togetherness right now can leave you – on any given day, weekend, or hour – anywhere on a continuum from very pleasant to very unpleasant,” says Stern, who is also a clinical psychoanalyst currently helping patients struggling with these hurdles.
Wait... Is it okay for me to ask for space?
Wanting time to yourself isn't a sign that there's something wrong with any given relationship. We all have routines that we follow in our solitary moments that make us feel whole, Winch explains; things like cooking, running, journaling, meditating, going for a walk in nature, or just having the autonomy to spend a few minutes (hours, or even an afternoon!) doing whatever you want. These moments contribute to our sense of identity, and not doing them makes use feel disconnected, which then takes a toll on our own mental state, Winch explains.
The loss of those routines — as small as they may seem — will put us on edge.
Previous studies (not specific to COVID-19) suggest that quarantines alone increase rates of depression, stress, insomnia, PTSD symptoms, anger, and emotional exhaustion. We know from several reports that a majority of adults in the U.S. are reporting that the COVID-19 pandemic is negatively affecting their mental health. And a Nature Reviews Urology article, published earlier this year about how the COVID-19 pandemic (and social changes it’s forced upon us) has affected our relationships, reports that people are struggling to make personal time.
Taking time for yourself keeps you well, but it’s also important for the health of your relationships with those around you, too, adds Kruti Patel, Ph.D., an Austin, Texas-based licensed clinical psychologist, who offers individual and couples therapy. “If you don’t feel connected to yourself, it’ll be hard for you to feel connected to others," he says. Your relationship with yourself is foundational to all your other relationships – and if you neglect it, it’s going to affect all the other relationships in your life, Patel adds.
The best ways to ask your loved ones for some space:
It’s tough to strike a balance of having plenty of independent time for checking in on your emotions and your needs, along with meeting the needs of your partner, children, and other members of the household, Patel says. Here are ways you can advocate for and prioritize your “me time.”
Realize that needing alone time is not a sign that a relationship is in trouble.
“We’re relying on our significant others, or those who live with us, for all of our social needs,” Patel says. And it’s not realistic that a partner – no matter how healthy or strong your relationship is – can do that, she says. “No one person can do that,” Patel emphasizes. Having children at home makes things even more complicated, she adds. “You have even more people relying on you to meet their social needs.”
Needing some space in and of itself is not a sign that any given relationship is troubled. Not being able to talk to your partner about these needs or heightened emotions may be a red flag, though, says Patel.
Think about what type of "me time" you need right now.
If social distancing and less movement has made it impossible to continue some of the old personal time routines you had, consider what new routines you can come up with right now. “Whenever there’s a big change in circumstance, you need to reconsider what your needs are,” Winch says – and if in your new routine, you’re meeting them.
Is there something you were doing last year at this time that you can’t do anymore that you are missing? Maybe it’s going to a dance class, or being part of a choir, or working out at your gym. Is there a new way you can continue that routine now (digitally, perhaps)? Is there a new routine you can start to fulfill that need? If you need inspiration, go to last year’s calendar and look up what you were doing then that you’re not doing now, Winch says.
Choose the right time to discuss your request.
For this conversation, go into it channeling the best version of yourself, Stern says. Think about when is optimal to have that conversation. (Hint: It’s probably not 10 minutes before your partner is scheduled to give a presentation they've been stressing over.) Be patient. Listen. “You want to approach the conversation as the emotion scientist, not the emotion judge. Be a listener and a learner, not the knower,” she says.
Be open with your partner.
Be honest about what you’re feeling and be vulnerable, Stern advises. Rather than focus on being angry over the mugs your partner leaves all over the bedroom, focus on what you need. “When you express your needs upfront — even if it takes courage to do so! — it gives your partner a chance to meet them, and it helps to avoid the disappointment that can follow when your unspoken needs are not met,” she says. “It will bring you closer.” And if you don’t express it, it’s going to come out in other ways, like through impatience, criticism, resentment, and negativity, Stern says.
Be specific about what type of alone time you want.
Whenever you’re trying to communicate to someone else how you’re feeling and why you’re feeling the way you do, the more specific you can be, the better, Patel says. “If you need alone time, specify what you mean by that and how often and how long you’d like alone time.”
It helps to check in with your own feelings first. “Be clear ahead of time about what you want to communicate and take a moment to regulate your emotions so that you are in a calm, clear place for the conversation,” Stern says.
Use more "I" and less "you" language.
When you’re having these conversations, remember to use “I” language more than “you” language. The former means you’re communicating your own feelings (“I’ve been feeling overwhelmed with household chores,” “I feel like I don’t have time to talk with a friend on the phone”) rather than pointing the finger at the other person (“you never do the laundry,” “you make me feel like I’m ignoring you when I call a friend to catch up”), Patel says.
Create routines for time together and time apart.
Designate routines throughout the day that work for you, for work time, play time, and alone time, Stern says. Schedule it so that your partner (and other household members) know this 15-minute or hour-long chunk of time is what you need every day, for a walk to clear your head or to journal or just not be interrupted.
And let others know it’s not about needing time away from a spouse or partner – it’s about needing time for you to check in with yourself and recharge. “And consider making plans for re-connecting afterwards,” Stern says. It could be as simple as pushing dinner an hour later on a specific night of the week so that you have time for a solo meditation beforehand.
Give your partner alone time when he or she needs it.
Remember, just like you might have a range of emotions in a given weekend, day, or even hour, your partner does too, Stern says. And those emotions may or may not have anything to do with you. Be open with your partner about your strong emotions and let them feel their own emotions when they come up – and let them have their space when they need it, Stern says. “Remember, you’re on the same team.”
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