How Practicing Sexual Meditation Can Lead to Mind-Blowing Sex
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By now, you’ve likely heard all about the health benefits of meditation: Mindfulness has the potential to reduce stress and anxiety, ease pain and fatigue, help you make healthier food choices, fight premature aging, and even boost your immunity.
But that’s not where the perks end: An emerging body of research suggests that mindfulness may boost your sex life, too, helping with sexual satisfaction, increasing your confidence and desire (and even lubrication).
“What we’re bringing together is the mind and the body—the physical, sexual response,” says Cheryl Fraser, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist, sex therapist, and author of Buddha’s Bedroom. “Meditation is essentially the ability to focus our attention, our concentration, and our mind on whatever the chosen meditation object is—and great sex is all in your head.”
But what does sexual meditation mean, and how can you put it to use for, you know, better sex and more orgasms? Here’s what you need to know about sexual meditation, according to experts.
What is sexual meditation, exactly?
First, “sexual meditation” isn’t exactly a term used by experts in the field; they often refer to mindfulness and meditation more broadly, studying how the practices apply to sex. Terminology aside, the idea is all about bringing the skills of mindfulness into a sexual context, explains Lori Brotto, Ph.D., director of the University of British Columbia Sexual Health Laboratory and author of Better Sex Through Mindfulness.
Sexual meditation can be many different things: It can simply refer to a general mindfulness or meditation practice, a more mindful approach to sex while you’re in the moment, partner exercises that have sexual and mindfulness components, or specific mindfulness work that could have particular payoff during sex.
What are the benefits of sex meditation?
Mindfulness and meditation can both help you reap big rewards in the bedroom, from a higher sex drive to plenty more pleasure. You can look forward to these benefits through a sexual meditation practice:
You’ll experience less stress
“Sex is stressful for a lot of people,” says Brotto, who notes that this is especially true if you have sexual difficulties, such as painful sex, insecurities, or communication issues. “During sex, all sorts of worries and preoccupations can create stress, and that is reflected in the stress response system in the body.”
When that stress response is activated, it’s much harder to get in the mood. “We know when we can manage this response, we’re much more likely to experience arousal,” Brotto says. Mindfulness naturally decreases stress, since it helps activate your parasympathetic nervous system. This, in turn, balances out your sympathetic nervous system, which is responsible for your stress response. As a result, you’ll enjoy the moment more.
You’ll focus on the present
“Focus intently on what you’re doing” is not a profound or complicated instruction, Fraser admits. But anyone whose mind has wandered to dirty dishes or the kids’ homework during sex can agree that it’s not always the easiest order to follow. “Meditation is the ability to focus the mind and we’re really lousy at that,” she continues. “Meditative focus makes your senses blaze.”
Learning how to hone in on the here and now—a kiss, touch, or any other sensation—can help you be more present. “Sex itself can be a better, hotter, more sensual experience,” Fraser says, when you can tune into your partner stroking your leg or running a finger along your neck, you’re able to experience more intensity. Meditation can also increase activity in parts of the brain linked to interoceptive awareness, or how aware you are of different body parts, Brotto adds.
Your sex drive could increase
Research finds that a mindfulness practice can help boost your sex drive and make you more receptive to having sex, Fraser explains: “You’re more likely to initiate if you’re practicing mindfulness and applying it to your sex life.”
This isn’t to say that a little Om is suddenly going to turn you on; rather, the qualities of mindfulness, like the ability to pay close, focused attention to what’s actually happening, can build off of one another, strengthening your drive. “When people start a mindfulness practice, they tend to continue over time because they are so motivated,” Brotto adds.
You’ll feel closer to your partner
Yes, sexual meditation can help you enjoy the physical sensations of sex more. But sex isn’t only about the physical. The intimacy and connection with your partner are also deeply important for many of us, Fraser says.
If you’re able to root yourself in the present moment, you’ll also be more acutely aware of the other person in the room, allowing you to reconnect in a more meaningful way. Instead of daydreaming or thinking about which groceries you need, for example, you’ll be much more receptive to your partner’s presence, leading to better intimacy for everyone.
You’ll enjoy sex more
“If you can train your mind to show up, it creates novelty, it creates excitement, and it creates a type of connection that generally we have only experienced early on in our love affair,” Fraser says. That means, in many ways, retraining your mind via meditation and mindfulness can recreate that honeymoon-type feeling you may not have felt in a while, instilling a new sense of excitement in your sex life.
How do you practice sexual meditation?
You can try sex meditation with a partner, of course, but it can be just as helpful solo, too. Here’s how to start your own practice, according to the experts.
1. Start a simple, daily mindfulness practice.
You can’t apply the principles of meditation in the bedroom without practicing meditation in the first place. “I advocate really strongly for, first and foremost, a general, structured mindfulness practice,” Brotto explains. You can try a variety of meditation styles with Prevention’s 14-day meditation challenge, which is ideal for beginners. Apps like Calm and Headspace can also help you get started. You’ll build the skills to focus on your breath, stay in the moment, and notice the sensations in your body.
2. Meditate with your partner.
“Mindfulness exercises can be done with a partner, and I often advocate doing them together,” Brotto recommends. She often suggests sitting or standing back-to-back with your partner and doing a body scan, when you mentally check in with how your body feels from head to toe, noting any parts that feel tense or relaxed. Next, focus on the points of contact between you and your partner, honing in on factors like texture, pressure, and temperature—things you can pick up on in sexual moments, too, Brotto notes.
3. Open your eyes.
Closing your eyes during meditation can eliminate distraction from the visual field, Fraser says. But a lack of eye contact during sex can keep us from connecting with our partner. To refine this skill, Fraser suggests finding mindful moments when you keep your eyes open, such as looking out a window or staring at a plant, taking in its different parts. Focusing on something beautiful when you’re not in the bedroom can help you do it when you are, she says. In the moment, especially if you’re feeling yourself getting pulled elsewhere, try to gaze into your partner’s eyes to bring you back into the present, Brotto recommends.
4. Try an eye-contact exercise.
At a quiet time during the day, sit face-to-face with your partner and gaze into their eyes (or just one eye, if you can manage it) for three full minutes, Fraser suggests. It’s OK to giggle and feel uncomfortable, but try not to talk. You can advance the exercise by kissing with your eyes open, focusing in on the sensations. When you’re more comfortable simply looking at each other outside of the bedroom, it should come easier in the heat of the moment, playing up that connection factor, she says.
5. Think sexy thoughts.
If you notice your mind wandering during sex, drop the thought and swap it for a sexual one, Fraser recommends. Although using your erotic imagination to think of something sexy isn’t exactly being in the moment, it’s something Fraser often suggests to people to help bring them closer to the sexual experience at hand. “Mental distraction is the number one sex-drive killer, and this is a step in the right direction,” she says. Eventually, with practice, you might not need this bridge; you’ll drop the thought to focus on the intensity of the moment.
6. Try a slow sex session.
Amid social media and constant stressors, slowing down your mind is difficult. That’s why Fraser suggests that people have really slow sex from time to time, or practice slower sexual activities. Her advice: Have one session where one person is the ‘giver’ and one is the ‘receiver,’ and simply concentrate on slow, erotic touch or seduction. Training your mind and body to slow down can not only improve mental focus but also curiosity, helping you to realize certain touches you might not have known you liked or sensations you hadn’t noticed before.
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