The person I was dating disappeared. How to get over being ghosted.
Many of us grew up telling ghost stories around the campfire, fully unaware that our dating history would be full of them. Ghosting, in case you’re not familiar with the term, is when an individual cuts off all contact with someone they are dating, without explanation. Ghosting has been around for a long time, but the frequency and ease with which ghosting occurs in the digital age has made it a widely discussed topic in recent years.
It tends to leave people with three main questions:
Why do people ghost?
How can I get over being ghosted?
Should I confront the person who ghosted me?
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Why do people ghost?
What has made ghosting particularly difficult is our lack of understanding as to why it happens. Of course, ghosting can be a form of self-protection when someone feels threatened, but that's only one reason as to why someone ghosts. Although we will never “know” why a particular individual decides to suddenly cut all contact, it often boils down to one fact: the person lacks the skills, self-awareness or sense of responsibility needed to have a difficult conversation. They may feel intimidated by confrontation, they may be scared of hurting us (though ghosting hurts plenty), they may struggle to cope with uncomfortable emotions or articulate their feelings. Regardless of why, they have chosen the convenience of not offering an explanation.
Although most of us hope that the explanation entails a national security level emergency, a new type of dating amnesia or an alien abduction, it’s more likely that it's rooted in their lack of interest or fizzled attraction.
How can I get over being ghosted?
Don’t try to fill in the blanks. It’s tempting to replay every aspect of the relationship and try to find the answer. But, if someone chooses to ghost – accept it. Slowly learn to accept that the person is not coming back and this is how the story ends. It’s important to focus on what we do “know” rather than speculate about the unknowns. Assumptions leave us vulnerable to having our projections, insecurities and old wounds develop a narrative that reinforces our worst fears.
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Stop romanticizing the past. “If I knew it was the last time...” is a common saying that signals the person wishes they would have savored a particular moment. Surprisingly, this is a common phrase uttered by those who have been ghosted (regardless of the actual quality of the dynamic). Ghosting leaves us with extra time on our hands and many of us fill it with distorted memories. Be careful not to spend your time focusing on a past that is not serving your future.
Don’t conflate their actions with your worth. When we are ghosted, it’s very easy to correlate their actions with our worth. It’s easy to feel embarrassed or ashamed that someone ghosted us, but it’s important to remember that their actions will always say more about who they are than about who we are.
Should I confront the person who ghosted me?
People often ask if they should confront or try to contact the person who has ghosted them. In most contexts, the person asking this question is still hoping to resume the relationship. They are hoping that by reaching out or by being vulnerable they will increase their chances of hearing back (even if they don't want to admit it to themselves). So, before you decide to reach out, ask yourself the following:
What is my intention? Why do I want to speak to this person again?
Would this action feel self-empowering or self-abandoning?
Does this person deserve to hear from me?
What am I expecting? Are my expectations realistic?
How will I feel if they keep ignoring me?
If they do reply, would I want to give this person another chance? Why?
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Sara Kuburic is a therapist who specializes in identity, relationships and moral trauma. Every week she shares her advice with our readers. Find her on Instagram @millennial.therapist. She can be reached at [email protected].
This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Ghosting is everywhere. How to get over being ghosted while dating