Oshkosh Civility Project | Caregivers teach us so much about civility
My mom passed away in January. She lived with dementia. Her last 18 months were spent close to our family in an Oshkosh memory care facility. Our goodbye was difficult yet loving. We remain grateful, as the Hoagy Carmichael standard goes, for “The Nearness of You,” Mom.
I am also grateful to have learned a lot about civility in these last 18 months. I learned it by watching Mom’s daily caregivers in action.
Much can be, has been, and should be said about shortcomings in compensation, benefits, work-life balance, stress, training and inclusive hiring and retention practices within professional caregiving. This says nothing of the endurance of the thousands of neighbors for whom this work is not work. They quietly care for loved ones in their own homes. They respond to and absorb spouses’ or relatives’ anxiety and confusion while finding ways to wrap them in calm and, sometimes, joy. Whatever the setting, these expressions of compassion and virtuosic demonstrations of improvisational civility are remarkable given the responsibilities and pressures caregivers face.
I was witness to and reminded of some Civility 101 lessons in these last 18 months:
Be present. Share interest, attention and intention. Make understanding the realities — the triumphs and the pains — of others a daily pursuit. Listen and respond. When my mom would pace throughout her community, there would regularly be a caregiver to intervene, to join her. Staff could redirect her with the offer of a lovely manicure, a painting class or simply one-on-one time holding her hand. They did these things with a gentleness and spirit of companionship. It usually made a difference. These are the kinds of things we all can offer to not only loved ones but our guests in life.
Engage others for help and potential solutions when you don’t know the answers. Many minds open many doors. I learned a lot about vulnerability and being open to asking questions, seeking out others’ opinions and encouraging brainstorming and creativity as part of Mom’s caregiving team. Caregivers were gracious in their openness. Guided by science and reason, and fueled with empathy, the best will help us turn over every stone as we respond to the needs of loved ones.
Share thanks with those who give so deeply to safeguard and sustain the wellness of others. Find ways to demonstrate your gratitude beyond the words. A kind email of appreciation to a supervisor. Holiday cookies. We all need to help confront the systemic issues challenging caregiving professions, and we also need to make time for meaningful, authentic expressions of appreciation for the lifesavers amongst us. “Little” things can be big things.
To all caregivers: We are with you now and will remain at your side after the added weight of this historic pandemic passage lifts. You radiate light in darkness. You embody civility and show us the way. Thank you.
Alex Hummel is a core team member of the Oshkosh Civility Project.
This article originally appeared on Oshkosh Northwestern: Caregivers teach us so much about civility