What not to say to a divorcing friend

Christmas is over, the relatives have all gone home, and resolutions have been made; a promise of a clean slate for the new year. Perhaps that’s why the first working day in January is known as Divorce Day, when many couples  decide to begin their year by disentangling their lives. So, chances are that you may well know someone whose 2016 will mean a new – single – life.

Having recently gone through a divorce, I know from personal experience how important friends and family are in those early days. I was so grateful to those who sent flowers and cards (and even a case of wine) and invited me to stay.

In fact, one of the silver linings was realising what an incredible support system I had. But I also discovered that some people find it hard to say the right thing. I had some comments from both friends and strangers that were insensitive and hurtful.  Here’s what not to say…

‘You seemed so happy!  I thought you had the  perfect marriage…’

‘Even the person who instigated the divorce will often have doubts and questions like,  “Is there something I could  have done differently?”’ says psychotherapist Tiffany Garrett. ‘Statements like “it seemed so perfect” just reinforce that doubt and make an already very confusing time even worse.’

"Rather than punishing him, I wanted to unfold our relationship with grace and integrity"

The truth is that no one  has the perfect marriage. Relationships are hard work and people often hide what’s wrong in their marriage because they’re scared and ashamed of their problems – particularly  if they’re sexual in nature.

This kind of comment means perhaps having to air the ways in which the marriage was broken, which is deeply painful. Far more helpful is to invite your friend out for coffee or a meal, or even offer a spare room.

For me, those gestures were sanity-saving: I felt loved. And including a divorcing friend in invitations to group events – even if they don’t accept – helps them feel that the rest of their life remains intact.

‘Oh I’m so sorry!’

This is many people’s first reaction, but while it may seem sympathetic, for those in the middle of a divorce, it can come across as pitying. And for some, particularly those who initiated it, the end of the marriage may actually mark a welcome change from years of a crumbling relationship.

‘By the time it becomes public, the worst is usually over; the worst being the “should I stay or should I go?” state of utter numbness and terror,’ says Elise Pettus, founder of UNtied.net, an online resource for divorcing women. ‘Once news got out about my divorce, people would often react with the solemnity of a graveside minister and say,  “I’m so, so sorry.” But that tone of formal condolence was so inappropriate, when I was feeling that I’d finally attained some clarity – and even relief.’

One of the best, most helpful things I heard was, ‘Please don’t feel like you need to talk about it – but I’m here to listen if you do.’ And if they do want to talk, listen without judgement and allow them to work through some of their heartache.

‘Well, it happens to 50 per cent of the population.’

When something bad happens, the temptation might be to say something to normalise a situation. But in reality, saying something like this can trivialise or minimise what your friend is going through.

‘People want to know that their feelings are valid,’ says Garrett. ‘By saying something that diminishes their experience, you risk shutting down the conversation entirely and hurting them further.’

"Relationships are hard work and people often hide what’s wrong in their marriage because they’re scared and ashamed of their problems."

Also, while it may be true, the fact that something is common doesn’t make it any easier or less painful; after all, you’d  never say to someone who has been bereaved that death happens to us all. In many ways, divorce is like a death. And that feeling of loss can be intensified by an  ex-spouse’s new relationship.

Instead of trying to normalise, ask your friend, ‘What do you need right now? And don’t say nothing!’ Be aware that people will say they’re fine because they don’t want to be a burden. But if you tell them you really want to help and insist on it, they will feel safe enough to tell you what they really need.

‘You should take him for everything he’s got!’

This kind of ‘advice’ just fuels below-the-belt behaviour, says Garrett, and can make it harder to move on in the long run. ‘There’s a great deal of turmoil in the middle of a break-up and we may do things that we normally wouldn’t. When we are hurt or angry, the temptation can be to try to ‘get back’ at someone. But in reality that prevents and delays people from healing, moving on, and letting go. If someone is trying to seek revenge against their former spouse, there’s a ripple effect that could have repercussions, particularly  if they have children.’

"You’d never say to someone who has been bereaved that death happens to us all"

I can attest that, in my case,  it felt hurtful when people said this to me. I had loved this man for almost 13 years and, rather than punishing him, I wanted to unfold our relationship with grace and integrity. Garrett recommends offering your friend the chance to talk about what has happened so far. Try to listen more than talk, and be supportive in helping them process their grief and pain without focusing on the financial aspect of the situation.

‘Are you sure that’s best  for the kids?’

Divorce is one of those subjects that some people seem to  feel bizarrely free to share  their opinions about – particularly on the impact  it might have on children.  But if you have a view, it’s a good idea to keep it to yourself!

‘Telling a parent that they’re making a poor choice for their child can only make them feel terrible,’ says Garrett. ‘There’s an assumption that children are not capable of healing after  a change like divorce, but that  is not necessarily the case. Instead, make sure your friend hears you tell them what a good parent they are and how much you know they love their children. And think about offering to babysit if they  need a night off.’

‘But you’ve been married  for 14 years!’

Whether it’s been a long marriage or a short one, as Garrett puts it, ‘a divorce is about a relationship between two people – not the time on the calendar that they’ve been together.

A statement like this could make someone ask themselves, “Should I have left earlier?” “Should I give it another year?” “Maybe there’s something wrong with me that  I couldn’t stay longer.”’ Whatever you say, try to keep judgements to yourself.

‘Don’t make assumptions when you respond to the news of a divorce,’ says Garrett. ‘If you don’t know what to say, be honest and just tell your friend you love them and want to help in whatever way feels right to them.’ And that is always the right thing to say.