Nine ways to survive small talk
It’s the dinner party of the season. You’ve been angling for an invite for months and now you’re here, decent bottle of wine in hand, ready to lavish compliments on the canapés. Now it’s time to begin the conversation and… what was that witty opening salvo again?
For some, the art of conversation comes naturally. We all know someone who holds court no matter where they find themselves with amusing anecdotes and unbeatable banter.
For the rest of us, conversation can be trickier.
Studies show that we have an in-built tendency to avoid conversation, particularly with strangers, often for fear of not being liked. But around one in 14 people experience chronic loneliness, a figure that increases every year.
There’s also increasing polarisation to contend with. How often does discussion tip into debate then into argument? Might we find ourselves cancelled for “mansplaining” or an errant bad joke? Why is it easier to label detractors “woke” or “boomer” than to engage with them?
The solution is to talk. If quality conversations are becoming endangered, it behoves us all to learn how to have them.
Consider what you want from a conversation
“People feel bad about conversation because they think it’s a performance,” says Catherine Blyth, the author of The Art Of Conversation . “They think it’s theatre, requiring you to spew aphorisms like Oscar Wilde.”
In fact, a conversation is usually a way to get something we want, whether that’s being heard, to making a friend, to asking someone on a date. Knowing what you want will keep things flowing.
“It doesn’t have to be a mercenary thing,” says Blyth. “At minimum, what you can get out of a conversation is an interesting adventure with another mind. Seeing the world through another pair of eyes is a prize itself.”
Set the parameters of the discussion
Most conversations can boiled down into one of three varieties, explains Charles Duhigg, the author of Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection. Practical conversations (“about decision-making, solving problems, coming up with plans”), emotional conversations (“telling someone how you’re feeling and having them empathise”) and social conversations (“about how we relate to other people, how society sees us, and our pasts”).
Miscommunication comes when people find themselves in different modes of conversation.
“I would come home after having a hard day at work complaining about my co-workers. My wife would respond with advice on how I could connect better with them, but I wanted her to be outraged on my behalf,” laughs Duhigg. “I was having an emotional conversation and she was having a practical one. We couldn’t hear each other because we were talking in different modes.”
Thinking about what mode of conversation the person you’re talking to wants to be in is an important step.
If you don’t know where to start try “the staircase of intimacy” – proceeding by stages – first stick to facts and practical matters, then opinions, then feelings.
Preparing topics of conversation in advance
“When people describe a good conversation, they’ll say it felt effortless, natural, and spontaneous; but when you study conversation, that’s not the case,” says Dr Michael Yeomans, a conversation researcher at Imperial College London. “The most highly rated conversationalists are intentional about small talk.”
Dr Yeomans’ research has found that spending 30 seconds jotting down a few starting points before you launch into a chat “makes the conversation better and people feel more connected afterwards”.
Identifying topics ahead of time allows your brain to relax and focus on the conversation, rather than plotting where it might go next. Scientists call this “cognitive off-loading”.
“It becomes easier for you to evaluate – is this topic working or faltering?” says Dr Yeomans. “We don’t have to get stuck in conversations about whatever is at hand – the weather, the canapés, other people in the room – we’re less afraid to branch out.”
Start a conversational treasure hunt
“The mindset I bring to small-talk is the idea that it’s a treasure hunt,” Blyth says. “Why is this person interesting? How quickly can I find common ground?”
Blyth suggests finding a way to make the other person useful to you. “There’s nothing more flattering than feeling like you’ve helped someone,” she says. “A straightforward compliment is good, but if it’s something like ‘I love that outfit, where did you buy it? I would love to find something similar’, that allows you to reveal a bit of yourself, while inviting them to help, which is a great way to get conversation started.”
Ask questions
Common first-date advice is to ask lots of questions, because people like talking about themselves. It’s true, says Dr Yeomans, whose research has found “people who ask more questions are liked more”.
However, avoid “topic-switching questions”: generic questions which don’t reference previous parts of the conversation. “What is your job?”, “Do you have any hobbies?”, for instance. These get a conversation rolling, but can make things interview-like if overused.
Similarly, mirror-questions, where you are asked a question, then answer and say “... and what about you?” are often interpreted as deflections and block deeper conversation, explains Dr Yeomans.
The gold standard is the follow-up question, says Dr Yeomans. “Say something positive; ‘oh that’s interesting’; then delve deeper by asking a question which builds on what they’ve said. It shows that you’re listening, and it gives them an opportunity to talk.”
Listen attentively
“Speak half as often as you listen,” advises Nihal Arthanayake, the author of Let’s Talk: How To Have Better Conversations. “You have to constantly be listening with your ears, your eyes, your mind, and be conscious of doing so,” Arthanayake advises. “‘Are you listening to understand, or are you listening to respond?’ That’s the perfect question a would-be conversationalist should ask themselves. If you ask yourself that it will train you to be a better listener.”
Humans easily pick up disinterest. A 2016 study from the University of California had people listen to recordings of real laughter between friends and feigned laughter between strangers. Participants detected inauthenticity with 90 per cent accuracy.
Listening shouldn’t be passive, advises Blyth. “A good listener indicates what interests them. Your responses should show which topics are interesting and which aren’t. If I’m conversing with someone who wants to make it all about themselves, it is on me to gently indicate that I’m not interested and steer us towards other topics.”
How to avoid arguments
With 64 per cent of the world going to the polls for national elections in 2024, difficult conversations are bound to arise. Political views have given way to political identities where opinions about train timetables, gender, healthcare and holidays have become evidence of a moral framework.
“Research shows that people are much less likely to know people different from them than they used to,” says Duhigg, “Perhaps clashing is inevitable, but we can handle it better.
“There’s a technique you can use to short-circuit your brain in conversations which make you defensive,” Duhigg continues. “It’s called ‘looping for understanding’. Ask a question, listen to their answer, repeat it back in your own words, then ask if you got it right.”
Responding in this way, rather than getting drawn into an argument can make other people feel listened to, which makes them more likely to listen in return.
“We’ve become obsessed with trying to win,” says Arthanayake. “We play to our own galleries; scoring points for people who already agree, rather than trying to understand. You’re not going to convince anyone if you’re trying to beat them. We can only offer a new perspective.”
Set up callbacks
One quick way to make a relationship feel closer is to create a shared set of references. “Stand-up comedians achieve familiarity with audiences by making callbacks to earlier in their set,” says Dr Yeomans. “You can do that too by referencing earlier points in the conversation. It makes people feel grounded.”
Keep your phone out of sight and out of mind
“If you’re chatting with someone with your phone next to you, what you’re saying is ‘you’re only as important as my next notification’,” advises Arthanayake. “Whatever you do on a screen isn’t a conversation. Tweeting, DMing, WhatsApping, those aren’t conversations. Problems stem from comparing real conversation to text messaging. In a real conversation, you can’t look things up, think about how to phrase your thoughts, or strategise. We need to give each other some grace.”
