Monty Python's 10 funniest sketches
As a Monty Python treasure-trove arrives on Netflix – including Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Life of Brian and Monty Python's Flying Circus – it's the perfect moment to look back at 10 of the very best sketches from the masters of surreal comedy.
1. The Dead Parrot
Arguably the most famous, most readily quoted, Python sketch, this was inspired by Michael Palin’s trip to a mechanic who refused to accept there was a problem with his car. There is, of course, no such bird as the Norwegian Blue, although that has since become the nickname of a 55 million year-old fossilised Scandinavian parrot.
Best lines: "It's not pining, it's passed on. This parrot is no more. It has ceased to be. It's expired and gone to meet its maker. This is a late parrot. It's a stiff. Bereft of life, it rests in peace. If you hadn't nailed it to the perch, it would be pushing up daisies. It's rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. This is an ex-parrot."
2. The Killer Joke
A joke so funny, the man who wrote it laughs himself to death; it then kills his mother. After military tests confirm its ‘devastating effectiveness at a range of up to 50 yards’, the Allies eventually use the gag to win the war. Of course, we’re never told the actual joke apart from in a German translation – which turns out to be gibberish.
Best lines:"I shall enter the house and attempt to remove the joke ... I shall be aided by the sound of sombre music, played on gramophone records, and also by the chanting of laments by the men of Q Division ... The atmosphere thus created should protect me in the eventuality of me reading the joke."
3. The Lumberjack Song
Reportedly dashed off in 15 minutes because nobody could think of an ending for the barbershop sketch, this catchy confessional by a cross-dressing woodcutter has since made life hell for lumberjacks everywhere. Connie Booth’s reaction shots, as the protagonist's horrified "girlie", are priceless.
Best lines: "I cut down trees, I skip and jump/ I like to press wild flowers/I put on women’s clothing/ And hang around in bars"
4. Hell's Grannies
A town is terrorised by gangs of marauding old ladies – ‘layabouts in lace' – who harass defenceless young men, run riot in matinee performances of The Sound of Music and paint the walls with graffiti reading ‘Make Tea Not Love’.
Best lines: "We have a lot of trouble with these oldies. Pension day's the worst – they go mad. As soon as they get their hands on their money they blow it all on milk, bread, tea, tin of meat for the cat."
5. The Piranha Brothers
A current affairs programme called "Ethel the Frog" presents the story of "the notorious Piranha Brothers, Doug and Dinsdale" – East End criminals and sons of "scrap-metal dealer and TV quizmaster" Arthur Piranha – and their eventual capture by Superintendent Harry "Snapper" Organs. Clearly based on the Kray Twins, the Piranhas ruled with intimidation and violence – but their manners were impeccable.
Best lines:
Interviewer: I've been told Dinsdale Piranha nailed your head to the floor.
Stig: No. Never. He was a smashing bloke. He used to buy his mother flowers and that. He was like a brother to me.
Interviewer: But the police have film of Dinsdale actually nailing your head to the floor.
Stig: [pause] Oh yeah, he did that.
Interviewer: Why?
Stig: Well he had to, didn't he? I mean there was nothing else he could do, to be fair. I had transgressed the unwritten law.
6. The Dirty Fork
A couple dining in a "three star" restaurant complain about a dirty fork, leading to soul-searching and violent recriminations among the staff. The punchline, announced with a title card, is one of Python’s best.
Best lines: "You bastards! You vicious, heartless bastards! Look what you've done to him! He's worked his fingers to the bone to make this place what it is, and you come in with your petty feeble quibbling and you grind him into the dirt, this fine, honourable man, whose boots you are not worthy to kiss. Oh ... it makes me mad ... mad!"
7. The 127th Upperclass Twit of the Year Show
Five posh nincompoops (including "Simon Zinc-Trumpet-Harris, married to a very attractive table lamp") gather at Hurlingham Park to compete in events such as "Kicking the beggar", "Insulting the waiter", and "Taking the bra off the Debs".
Best lines: "There's Simon now in the sports car, he's reversed into the old woman, he's caught her absolutely beautifully. Now he's going to accelerate forward there to wake up the neighbour."
8. Argument Clinic
Incredible intellectual vaudeville from Palin and John Cleese as a man enters an argument booth for a five-minute paid-for contre-temps only to get drawn into a quick-fire, quibbling, hair-splitting head-to-head about the nature of arguing itself. Bound to be included in the new live show and should probably be learnt by heart at school: word for word funny and inspired enough to warrant immortality.
Best lines
Cleese: "I'm very sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid."
Palin: "Aha! If I didn't pay, then why are you arguing? Got you!"
Cleese: "No you haven't."
Palin: "Yes I have. If you're still arguing, I must have paid."
Cleese: "Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time."
Palin: "Oh, I've had enough of this!"
Cleese: "No, you haven't."
9. Four Yorkshiremen
In this sketch originally written for 1967’s At Last the 1948 Show, a quartet of seemingly well-heeled gentlemen sit around trying to one-up each other with horrifying tales of childhood poverty. Terry Gilliam, an American, even manages a credible Yorkshire accent.
Best lines
Gilliam: "You were lucky to have a ROOM! We used to have to live in a corridor!"
Palin: "Ohhhh we used to DREAM of livin' in a corridor! Woulda' been a palace to us. We used to live in an old water tank on a rubbish tip. We got woken up every morning by having a load of rotting fish dumped all over us! House!? Hmph."
Idle: "Well when I say 'house' it was only a hole in the ground covered by a piece of tarpaulin, but it was a house to us."
10. Nudge Nudge
A spivvy-looking Eric Idle strikes up a conversation with the man next to him in the pub (Terry Jones), and proceeds to ask him, in about 15 different ways, whether or not his wife is a "goer". Despite the filthy subject matter, Idle would later reprise his role in an ad for Breakaway chocolate bars.
Best lines
Norman: "Well, you're a man of the world, squire."
Man: "Yes..."
Norman: "I mean, you've been around a bit, you know, like, you've, uh ... You've 'done it'."
Man: "What do you mean?"
Norman: "Well, I mean like... you've slept, with a lady..."
Man: "Yes."
Norman: "What's it like?"