Mike Kiefer: Becoming the person I always should have been

“I must learn to love the fool in me, the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins some and loses often, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, laughs and cries.” ~ Rabbi Abraham Heschel.

Being 81 is a good thing.

And getting better.

It’s the dawn of a new freedom, a profound sense of independence and endless possibilities.

Freedom to do, say, and be anything that brings me closer to my true self.

No longer do I have to wear masks so others will see me as they want me to be, to speak my mind and freely express my true thoughts, feelings, desires and opinions.

My words might not always be judicious, but certainly honest. I’m not being difficult, simply transparent, being myself.

Avoiding the larger, unspoken topics, working around the issues, is no longer tolerated. Texts aren’t the same as real life.

This age has brought me to a place where I no longer have judgement or criticism of others' experiences. Each of us are on our own path.

“I am what I am.” ~ Popeye

I can decide what I really want to do rather than what others say I must, should or ought to do, no longer submitting to judgment, working for compliments or competing with others.

The slate is clean, the days are mine.

I’ve belatedly learned that accumulating more “stuff” is drastically overestimated. Achieving that next thing, acquiring the next object or achieving status can’t buy happiness. All this striving gets in the way of living.

My current project is to explore my life from a new point of view to become the truest version of myself.

Despite my previous certitude, I’ve learned that the world does not revolve around me individually: I’m removing myself from the driver’s seat, no longer having to manage the universe. People are going to do what people are going to do.

I’ve begun to be more open about what I find value in, and learned to share my pain and my fears with family and friends, relationships with no strings attached, ones that honor both the childlike and grown-up me.

Ram Dass said that ultimately, we are all just walking each other home.

There’s less time and energy marinating in the past ruminating about mistakes and flaws knowing that I did the best I could at any given moment.

“Life,” the philosopher Soren Kierkegaard wrote, “can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.”

I realize that the danger of older age is acting old and that while we can’t stop the aging process, we still can enjoy the journey. “Over the hill” is where I’ll find life’s next great adventure.

Diminishments, there’s more than a few.

I’ve lost the capacity for multi-tasking, but have discovered the joy of doing one thing at a time. My thinking has slowed a bit, but experience has made it deeper and richer.

Keeping up appearances, looking my best, translates to whatever is most comfortable. Sweatpants and a favorite old shirt are usual choices. My one suit is on standby for emergency occasions.

I use the banister to come up and down a staircase. The safety bar in the shower is there for a reason. Getting up from being seated on the floor requires improvised gymnastics and furniture to lean on.

I walk around the house trying to remember what I was trying to remember. Where are my keys? What am I in this room for? Has anyone seen my glasses? Why do others at reunions look so old?

I’m getting used to being the oldest person in most rooms.

I don’t go quietly into the good night, longing for when I can go to sleep without taking a pill and having to get up at least twice to take care of obvious business.

While embracing technology as a means to connect, create and communicate, I’m leery of hitting the wrong button on the computer. Grandkids are on-call for technical assistance.

A daily runner, I’ve morphed from a respectable pace into a shuffler, albeit a fast one.

“You don’t stop laughing because you grow older. You grow older because you stop laughing.” ~ Maurice Chevalier

I’ve discovered that there’s plenty to laugh about when it comes to the human condition and daily look for and find the humor in a world that is not always humorous.

I take my responsibilities seriously and myself lightly and share laughter with the people I care about. These are not times wasted, these are the good times, the ones that really matter.

As I grow older I’m becoming the person I always should have been.

I’m not there yet, but I’ve got a good start.

In the final analysis, Helen Hayes had it right:

“Age isn’t important unless you’re a cheese.”

— Mike Kiefer can be reached at [email protected].

This article originally appeared on The Monroe News: Mike Kiefer: Becoming the person I always should have been