Mika Brzezinski Tells Women: "Stop Trying to Make Everyone Like You"
"That felt like crap," Mika Brzezinski tells me bluntly about the moment she found out that Joe Scarborough, her co-host on MSNBC's weekday morning show Morning Joe, was earning a whopping fourteen times her salary. You may have heard the story, which quickly became the poster case for the gender wage gap when Brzezinski opened up about her infuriating discovery in her 2011 book Knowing Your Value.
Her initial reaction to the revelation, back in 2008, was outrage, Brzezinski says. But after reconsidering why her paycheck fell short next to Scarborough's, she forgave her employer and blamed herself. "I owned it," she says, listing her failures at the negotiating table. "I took what I was offered and was grateful, while [Scarborough] had the balls to hold out and know his value," Brzezinski declares, adding, "Maybe you can find a different word for the magazine." (Brzezinski eventually got a raise, "when I had an authentic, data-driven, respect-inducing play for the money.")
Ironically, it was that admission of guilt that inspired the message Brzezinski is now spreading to women across the country: stop apologizing. It's one of the core principles Brzezinski drives home at her annual Know Your Value conference, which aims to empower women in their careers and recently hit Philadelphia, Washington,Chicago, and Boston, before making its final stop in Orlando on Friday. The series' latest installment featured women at the top of their fields including Martha Stewart and BAZAAR's own Laura Brown on topics like interviewing for your dream job and breaking workplace barriers.
I called Brzezinski before the conference in Orlando to talk about the fundamental changes she's made in her life since 2008—and that's when I made her really mad. I posed a question: How do you maintain a good relationship with your employers while negotiating with them? "Why did you just ask me that question?!"" she shot back. "Why do women feel like it's their responsibility to make sure everybody in the room is happy at all times? Stop trying to make everyone like you. It's a waste of time. Assume they like you, and focus on more important things."
I think we think people aren't going to like us, and we think that matters. And that is literally, those two concerns are literally a big huge fence between yourself and a pile of money. Brzezinski shared more of her essential tips with us, some of which you can also watch here and read about in her latest book, Grow Your Value.
Don't accept a pat on the head.
"It's pretty obvious when you deserve a raise: you're bringing in money, your work is really good, you're constantly being turned to for more projects. So if you walk into your bosses' offices after two years of amazing work, asking for an increase, and they pat you on the head and tell you you're doing a good job, that's not a raise. Don't walk out of there happy. It should be an uncomfortable conversation that ends badly. You should leave them hanging."
Push back. Now.
"Years ago I was told by a female manager not to go for my raise. She told me that people wouldn't like me and that I would get a bad reputation. I knew right then and there I should've told her what she can do with that advice. I should have pushed back in a big way. Two things would have happened: Number one, she would have respected me, and we would have been friends later. Number two, she wouldn't be in my book. We tend to be passive aggressive when something goes wrong. We have to learn to speak in the moment, like guys do."
Silence is golden.
Don't worry about filling up the room with words. Have your data, put on the table, so to speak, and then let it hang. Don't be afraid of awkward silences."
Position yourself for success.
Sit in a way that makes you look comfortable and in control. Posture is important. I've taken what I already had, which was beautiful posture, and I've amped it up, and every time I see someone with bad posture, I tell them. It's not about being hot or beautiful or glamorous, it's about being attractive and composed and looking and feeling like you have it together.
Get out of your comfort zone.
Practice speaking in public: speak at church, make toasts at events,learn to talk in front of people while looking at you because that's what the negotiation table feels like. Understand what the moment is going to feel like. It's going to burn; get used to that burning feeling. Put yourself outside of your comfort zone everyday, so the first time you're in a negotiation, it's not the first time you've confronted that feeling.
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