These Funny Quotes From Patients Under Anesthesia Will Make Your Stomach Hurt From Laughter
Redditor u/Ronin47dododo asked the question, "medical professionals of reddit, what's the funniest thing a patient has said under anesthesia?" Members of the workforce who go around in scrubs gave delightful answers.
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Here are some of the best.
1."Anesthesiologist here. During recovery from general anesthesia, I called one of my patients by his full name in a loud voice. He opened his eyes suddenly jumped upright and sit on the bed and he said something': Sir, yes sir!' He was under military service at that time."
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2."A 65 year old woman who had a wrist surgery was anxious so they gave her a good whack of propofol. Mid-surgery she was having the time of her life. In a thick northern Irish accent she was like, 'Did you just fill me up to me head with vodka? Gimme a wee bit more boy, I'm loving this shit'."
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"Then she said the anesthetist looked like Freddie Mercury and started singing 'don't stop me now'. The anesthetist looked nothing like Freddie."
3."I just had a bowel resection and was hopped up on morphine. My divorced parents hadn’t sat in a room that long together in forever. My sister uncomfortably quiet between them tells me my junk is hanging out of my hospital gown and I say, 'if my balls are hanging out. That makes this a ball gown.'"
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"It really helped with the tension." —u/BaumingLife
4."A patient was yelling for his brother then whispering loudly to him 'Check to see if I still have my dick... I think they took my dick' then proceeded to flash the whole room."
5."An 18-year-old girl 'recognized' the (male) anesthesiologist from Tinder last week. She accused him multiple times of not showing up to their agreed date — while randomly falling half-asleep in between sentences. As we put her back in bed she mumbled that she is not even mad, just generally disappointed in men and that she still thinks he's pretty."
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6."A patient came into the ED as a trauma, got ketamine sedation for an emergency procedure."
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Patient: “I’m deaaaaaaaad.”
Staff: “No, you’re okay, we’re taking care of you.”
Patient: “I’m a ghoooooost. Whooooooo!” (makes wavy arm motions)
Okay.
7."I apparently can't handle my anesthesia. The first time I 'woke up' I asked the nurse if I was going to be able to 'fight' by Monday. My wife properly translated that to 'can he teach his wrestling class'."
"Before we went home, she wanted to drop off my prescriptions at CVS. She left me locked in the running car. After she dropped off the prescription, she turned around to find me in the CVS standing in the frozen dairy section holding german chocolate ice cream. I told her I needed it 'because my people made it.' Car was still running with the passenger door left open." —u/eidas007
8."I was going through consent and the usual pre-op routine when I noticed that a female patient was giving me these weird side-long glances and that her eyes would dart away every time I tried to make eye contact with her. She was also extremely fidgety and was stammering a lot in her responses to my questions. I kind of shrugged it off as preoperative nervousness and let the anesthetist do his business."
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"Fast forward 10 minutes and I'm standing behind her; she, curled up into the fetal position with her ass hanging out and I, colonoscope in hand. As the propofol starts rushing through her veins, she turns right around, grips my forearm and stares up at me with a dreamy look on her face and goes: 'You know what, Doc? I bet you kill it with the ladies.'
A moment later she was asleep and I was checking her colon for polyps." —u/FleaJam
9."I was told by my dentist that when he was prepping me to remove my wisdom teeth, I asked him why he became a dentist."
"I vaguely remember him telling me a story about how when he was a preteen he was at a local pool, running around when he slipped and smashed his chin on concrete and shattered some of his teeth (ouch). He was amazed at how well they reconstructed his teeth that he decided to go into dentistry.
Apparently, I then looked this man in the eyes and said, 'Well that's a stupid fuckin' reason to become a dentist'." —u/molegirl420
10."I had a patient come into recovery after surgery. She farted so long and loud the entire 20-bed unit heard her. Then she said 'I was trying to clear my throat, excuse me. And I want a vanilla latte, I got a headache'. As medical professionals, we had to hold in the laughter but that didn't stop patients from turning into hyenas."
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11."The very first time I was under I was in third grade and was relatively scared. What kept me brave was the promise of Burger King breakfast afterwards. It was an early morning procedure that required fasting and I rarely got fast food."
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"They ended up running behind that day so it was up in the air if I would wake up and get out in time to get my breakfast (which ended at 10). The first words out of my mouth were 'What time is it.'
When my mom informed me it was already about 9:30 I tried to get out of bed and nearly ripped out my IV in the process. When she tried to tell me that we would be late and I could get it another day I promptly burst into tears." —u/fatiguedaardvark
12."A woman woke up from surgery and said to her husband, 'David! That alarm clock has a nose and it’s running! Wipe it!'"
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13."My mom was coming out from under anesthesia after a procedure a few years ago and I was trying to help her. She puckered her lips so I picked up her water cup and asked if she wanted some. She turned her face toward me and said, 'Do I LOOK like an AIRPLANE?!' The nurses and I completely lost it. I still tease her about it sometimes."
14."Oh god, I woke up sobbing. I was convinced that I was married to Cedric Diggory and he had just been killed by Voldemort. I’m cringing so hard just thinking about it. I was inconsolable."
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15."I gave a kid methoxyflurane after he broke his arm. When we got to the hospital he went into the pediatric section of the ED and there were stickers on the wall of Sesame Street characters. He started talking about this unicorn on the wall (there wasn't one) and how it was trying to be friends with Elmo but Elmo didn't want to be friends with him. His mum and I had a chuckle and I had to pry the whistle out of his hands."
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16."I'm a consultant anesthetist in the UK and there are LOADS. Often declarations of love from the patient as the drugs are kicking in. My all time favorite is a 40-something guy a few years ago — he needed a testicle removing for cancer. He'd never had an anesthetic before and was super nervous, to the point of barely saying anything to anyone."
"As the drugs started to kick in, we realized someone was quietly singing. It was the patient singing Hitler... has only got one ball..." —u/FishOfCheshire
17."After being put under to have a wisdom tooth extracted, I told EVERYONE for an hour that my balls were tingling. I mean, they were...and folks just needed to know because it was hilarious. At least, to me it was SO FUNNY. We had to stop by the grocery store on the way home and I think a few dozen people there heard about it, my poor wife."
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18."They said, 'I’m preparing to salsa dance'."
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19."I was recovering a patient after surgery who got ketamine which has a known side effect of making you super emotional. When she woke up she started cat-calling me telling me how attractive I was. Then she got worked up because she was thirsty so I told her I could get her ice chips."
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"As I am getting her ice chips she starts to go 'I hate to see you leave but I love to see you go'. As I disappear to get her some ice chips she starts crying real tears that she scared me off and how sorry she was". —u/darksidemojo
Note: Some responses have been edited for length and/or clarity.
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