You May Be In A 'Tolyamorous’ Relationship Without Ever Having Discussed It
By now, you’ve likely heard of polyamory — the interest in or practice of engaging in more than one romantic relationship at a time with the consent of all parties — that has captured the cultural conversation of late. But you may not be familiar with the term “tolyamory,” a different relationship structure that is prevalent but seldom spoken about.
Tolyamory is a term coined by sex and relationship columnist and podcaster Dan Savage. It’s a portmanteau, combining the words tolerate and polyamory, and refers to a relationship dynamic in which one or both partners puts up with — or tolerates — the other’s outside sexual or romantic contact. Unlike polyamory and other forms of consensual non-monogamy, it’s not something the couple has explicitly discussed and agreed to.
Savage introduced the word in a January episode of his podcast “Savage Lovecast:”
“[It’s] someone willing to turn a blind eye to a lap dance or a brief affair after years of marriage. They’re able to focus on all the ways their spouse demonstrates their commitment and shows their love. And all of those other ways compensate or make the cheating that might be happening tolerable. These people aren’t fools or dupes. They’re not to be pitied — they know what they signed up for and long ago made peace with what they got. They’re willing to put up with it — a certain amount of it — reconciled to it, willing to tolerate it. They are, in a word, tolyamorous.”
Marie Thouin, a relationship researcher, coach and author of the forthcoming book “What Is Compersion?” summed up tolyamory this way:
“Tolyamory is a relationship style where one or both members of a socially monogamous couple turn a blind eye to the sex their partner is having — or has had — with someone else, in order to maintain the relationship,” she told HuffPost via email. “One or both of them are tolerating, or putting up with, their partner’s non-monogamous behavior, but not openly endorsing it.”
And though we don’t have any solid data on the prevalence of tolyamorous relationships, Thouin said she believes they are likely “very common.”
“Think of famous couples like Hillary and Bill Clinton, where infidelity was exposed — yet they remained together as a ‘socially monogamous couple,’ rather than either breaking up or going ‘full poly’ and openly embracing other partners,” she said. “I would hypothesize that these kinds of situations happen commonly.”
A fictional example of a tolyamorous couple would be Cameron and Daphne from the second season of “White Lotus,” as Savage pointed out on his podcast.
Polyamory educator Leanne Yau told HuffPost that tolyamory is “probably, unfortunately, the most common form of non-monogamy.”
Still, the experts HuffPost spoke to believe it could be a useful word to add to today’s lexicon.
“It conveys many people’s reality and brings attention to the prevalence of these dynamics,” said Thouin.
It’s also useful in that it differentiates this relationship dynamic from other similar ones, including poly under duress (known as PUD) and don’t ask, don’t tell (known as DADT).
Unlike tolyamory, both PUD and DADT are “openly negotiated forms of non-monogamy,” Thouin said.
With poly under duress, one partner voices their desire to be polyamorous and the other partner goes along with it to preserve the relationship, albeit begrudgingly.
“PUD folks might be struggling with their partner’s non-monogamous behavior, but they usually have entered this arrangement with informed consent and transparency,” Thouin said. “Tolyamorous folks often have entered it retroactively through the discovery of infidelity, or an ultimatum — e.g. ‘I will have sex with others whether you agree to it or not.’ Additionally, PUD folks are not typically trying to maintain the appearance of monogamy.”
Don’t ask, don’t tell is a “somewhat explicitly discussed non-monogamous dynamic” where both partners know the other is having sexual or romantic relations with others, “but they just don’t ask each other questions about it,” said Yau, noting that the ethics of this arrangement are “also tenuous.”
Don’t ask, don’t tell is closer to tolyamory than poly under duress — and Thouin says she expects many people will use DADT and tolyamory interchangeably.
“In my understanding, however, DADT is more likely to be an egalitarian dynamic where both members of a couple are allowing one another to have sex outside the couple, as long as they keep it away from sight,” she said. “I suspect that tolyamory shows up more often in one-sided dynamics where one person remains monogamous while the other is sexually active with others.”
With PUD and DADT, partners are engaging in non-monogamy in “kind of ambiguously or dubiously consensual ways,” Yau said, but there’s at least usually conversation about the desire to be non-monogamous.
“But tolyamory is specifically when none of those conversations even happen and people just are pretending and are in denial that something is happening,” Yau said.
Why Do Couples End Up In Tolyamorous Relationships?
There are many reasons people might find themselves in a tolyamorous dynamic — even if it’s not their preferred relationship structure.
For one, some cultures recognize that lifelong monogamy isn’t realistic and believe extramarital sex is likely to occur, “but it needs to be kept discreet in order for people to save face, and maintain the public appearance of monogamy,” Thouin said, citing stereotypes about the French as one example.
“Furthermore, societies where gender equality is less advanced tend to have dual standards when it comes to these expectations: Women are expected to tolerate their husbands’ infidelity, while remaining monogamous,” she added.
Socioeconomic status also plays a major role in tolyamory. If a woman is financially or socially dependent on her male partner, “she will be more likely to ‘tolerate’ one-way infidelity, because the alternative — leaving and finding herself single — is worse,” Thouin said.
“However, in more socially progressive societies, women are quickly closing the ‘infidelity gap’ — which means that, ironically, everyone has a more equal chance at ending up in a tolyamorous dynamic.”
Still, while non-monogamy has become more mainstream, it is still largely viewed as taboo in the U.S., a society that rewards monogamous coupledom and often stigmatizes singleness and non-monogamy.
Yau said that some tolyamorous couples may be thinking to themselves: “I don’t want to create the impression that I’m promiscuous or that I’m going to spread STIs or that I’m destroying marriage and family or whatever, And so I’m going to pretend that we’re actually monogamous and keep up appearances. And if my partner sees other people, I, at least, can preserve my innocence by pretending that it’s not happening.”
The existenceof tolyamory shows just how unwilling many people are to communicate openly in their relationships and how fearful they are of expressing their true desires to their partner, Yau said.
And ending a relationship is often quite complicated — so it’s no wonder many couples practice tolyamory rather than parting ways.
“People depend on one another for mutual care, financial security and emotional safety,” Thouin said. “And even when power dynamics are on the healthy, egalitarian side, leaving relationships is often very costly — materially and personally.”
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