‘I’m no fan of my daughter’s new friend – but my husband says I’m overreacting’
Our daughter, who is nearly 12, has recently started secondary school and struck up a friendship with a child I find – how to say this? – undesirable. I know this girl’s family and although they are perfectly pleasant, I’ve seen the way this girl speaks to her parents and behaves at home. It’s completely unacceptable, in my view.
My husband thinks I am overreacting and that this girl is harmless. When I tell him that our daughter is often rude and dismissive of me when she comes back from spending time with this friend, he says it’s probably just because she is tired. He tells me that friendships come and go and not to worry so much.
But I know from my own experience at an all-girls school in the 1990s that friendships shape our time at school and who we become. I know they are really important in the coming-of-age years. I want to encourage our daughter to make the right sort of connections.
It’s got to the stage where if I try to raise the subject of this friendship with my husband, he rolls his eyes and holds his hand up to stop me from talking, which I find quite maddening. He tells me I will have to let our daughter work things out for herself. But how can I, when this girl is preventing her from making other friendships and flourishing at school?
She (the friend) is an only child and her parents clearly dote on her but she is rude and insulting to her mother, calling her an idiot and stamping her feet when she doesn’t get her own way.
Her mother seems out of her depth with such a challenging child, and just lets her get away with it. She shrugged as if to say, “What can I do?” last time I saw her daughter complaining when her mum said she wouldn’t take them to McDonald’s.
Our daughter has been there for sleepovers several times and I understand they are allowed to stay up till midnight and eat whatever they like. This girl also has a big TV in her bedroom and every digital device imaginable. I know she has various social media accounts including TikTok and Instagram, even though children are supposed to be at least 13 before being allowed to have an account.
I know, however, that if I come down hard and criticise this particular friend, our daughter might rebel against me and disregard what I say. So I wish I could get my husband on board with it too. When I was my daughter’s age, my mother tried to warn me about a girl I was at school with, who was clearly quite troubled and a compulsive liar –but I ignored my mum. I soon came to wish I’d heeded her advice – but you know what they say about the glory of hindsight.
The problem is that our daughter is quite shy and doesn’t have a great deal of friends or get invited to many people’s houses. And while I am not ungrateful that she has at least one good friend, it’s just not the sort of friendship I would actively encourage.
My husband tells me to stop interfering and leave her to it but I don’t think he really understands what female friendship is really like.
I’ve promised him I won’t mention another word about it over the summer holidays but I am starting to feel rather resentful he won’t take my concerns seriously. I’m not sure what options I have; I’ve booked our daughter into a local tennis club, so let’s hope she makes some new – more suitable – friends there, before my husband and I start to seriously fall out.
