I’m 67. I’ve Always Been Single. The Women on The Golden Bachelor Need to Hear Something.
It was a dream first date. Tall, attractive Gerry swept up Theresa in his blue-and-white vintage convertible, raced to an old-style diner, and ordered french fries and thick shakes. After he shared some of his most vulnerable memories and elicited hers, a flash mob changed the mood by jumping up and singing the Golden Bachelor’s unofficial theme song, “Don’t Stop Believin’.” Gerry and Theresa sang and danced, and their quest for the practically perfect mate over the age of 60 was underway.
I have been watching The Golden Bachelor with amusement, curiosity, and often a sense of understanding. At 67 years old, I am single and always have been. Unlike some others, I am not sorry. I love living alone. I revel in having complete control of my own life. I eat when I want to, get out of bed only when I am ready, travel whenever I like, and do mostly whatever I please. I’m often surrounded by family and friends. My life is filled with children, some of whom I care for as if they are my own. More than once those children have come to me as an alternate adult when they did not want to talk to their parents. Later, the parents thanked me for the help. The two times I have been seriously ill in my adult life, loved ones have rushed to care for me, often traveling hundreds of miles.
I’ve been lonely too. Left out of dinner parties that were all couples. Cried alone when I was sad and sometimes wished for a partner with whom to celebrate the good times. I have paid all my own bills. I have been discriminated against for being single. Weekends are not usually full if I don’t plan ahead.
Why hasn’t marriage happened for me? I do not know, despite years of therapy to explore the question. I grew up daydreaming of the perfect wedding. I dated. I fell in love. But the relationships always ended, often quickly, sometimes years later. In my 30s, I decided not to wait to move forward in my life. My dreams were greater than just being married, so I set about to build a fulfilling single life in a world of married family and friends.
My career as a journalist and, later, a media businessperson gave me the opportunity to travel all over the world, to know presidents and everyday Joes, to witness history being made, to work long hours and earn a good wage. I worked hard, sometimes night and day, to cover the latest breaking news, often from the road. When younger people asked me if I thought I could have been as successful if I had been a working mother, I quoted Lily Tomlin in The Search for Signs of Intelligent Life in the Universe, saying she dreamed of having it all, she just didn’t mean all at once. I have come to realize that it all depends on how you define “having it all.”
Children joined my life when my oldest niece was born. Even though I lived far away, my older sister and brother-in-law invited me to be as involved in the baby’s life as I wanted to be. When they urged me to join them on vacation when she was 1 year old, I jumped at the chance. (It’s sometimes hard to find a good traveling companion when you are single.) I was as much a babysitter as a guest. That time deepened my relationship with both the parents and the baby. Since, I have been blessed with another niece, two nephews, a great-niece, and a great-nephew, and there is another on the way. In the ’90s, I copied a friend’s idea and started Camp Ann, a time each summer for the children in my family to stay with me and follow such strict rules as “Never wake the camp director” and “No candy before breakfast, but with breakfast it’s OK.” We have so much silly fun that adults ask if they can come too. (The answer is no!)
My friends generously shared their children with me as well. I worked to make that easy for them. If I wanted their company on a weekend night, I often invited their kids so they would not have to pay for a babysitter. I would volunteer to give my younger sister and brother-in-law a break, and my nephews, who lived nearby, would come join too. I got the pleasure of adult interaction and kid time. And I got to eventually, happily, send everyone home and return to a life of more peace and quiet.
It is a fantastic life—and the process of striving for things to be otherwise would be miserable. Contestants on The Golden Bachelor insist that the show has given them hope. But it mimics some of the worst aspects of dating at any age. Joan mentioned that women often don’t feel seen as they get older … and yet the show forces them to fight one another for Gerry’s attention. Faith worried about how upset her family would be if she did not get a proposal after Gerry visited their hometown and they saw how happy she was with him. He told them, and her, that he loved her and would protect her heart. Yet, days later, seemingly reluctantly, he did not give her the rose that would have taken her to the fantasy suites and allowed her to continue the show. Not much different from when no text or call comes for days after a date.
We all want to feel safe and seen; be loved and have people to love; be cared for when we are sick or sad; have someone to go to the movies with, a partner in hosting parties, a date at weddings and other events. I often do not have some of those things. And neither will all but one of the women after Thursday’s finale of the show. Yet I do not regret my single life. It’s clearly not pleasant to be married to someone who does not support and love you for who you are. Leslie, a finalist, has been married (and divorced) twice and yet tells Gerry that the idea of “Till death do us part” is still unfamiliar to her. That must be a deep, painful loneliness.
The Golden Bachelor is right to encourage all ages, just Don’t Stop Believin’. Love comes from many corners of our lives. Being single may not be the social norm, but it does not mean you cannot have a rich, exciting, love-filled life. Being happily single takes lots of work—just like marriage—and often it too has great rewards.
