Libido lessons: Everything you need to know about your sex drive
Libido, or sex drive, may seem like something people are just born with — either you have a high sex drive, or you don’t. Yet many things can have an impact on one’s libido, from physical issues to mental health. Here’s a guide to the terms you need to know.
What is libido?
Libido refers to one’s sexual appetite or drive, according to VerywellHealth. It isn’t something that can be measured with a test, and is instead all about how you feel. While some people may have higher or lower libidos overall, it’s important to note that libido can change due to many factors, from environmental and emotional stressors to physical issues. There’s also no right or wrong amount of sexual appetite.
“People are different, and it is hard to quantify how much people should be having sex, as sexuality is still being uncovered in science,” sex therapist Deb Laino previously told Yahoo Life. “What we know is there is really no such thing as 'normal.'”
Spontaneous desire
Pop culture suggests that desire is instant — as in, you simply look or even think about your partner and want to have sex. This is called “spontaneous desire,” and it’s much more likely to happen during the early days of your relationship, explains Laurie Mintz, a sexual psychologist and author of the book Becoming Cliterate: Why Orgasm Equality Matters — and How to Get It. That’s thanks to the biochemical event known as the “limerence phase,” which is essentially when you’re totally obsessed with your new person. Mintz notes that the phase really lasts only six months to two years, though, which means you may feel a shift in desire toward your partner, even if everything is otherwise OK in your relationship.
Responsive desire
Not everyone feels spontaneous desire, however. While some people may assume that a lack of spontaneous desire means they have a low sex drive, it’s possible they may simply need to take a different route to feeling ready for sex. In fact, Mintz says that many individuals, especially women in long-term relationships, stop feeling spontaneous desire — and therefore, stop having sexual encounters.
But you don’t have to give up having sex just because you don’t feel spontaneously in the mood. Enter “responsive desire,” which Mintz says is “equally legitimate.” Responsive desire is when someone is not eager in the moment to have sex, “but is open to the idea of sex for other reasons, [such as] knowing it will be good once it gets going or [that] they will feel closer to their partner.”
You can tap into your responsive desire by mentally and physically preparing yourself for a sexual encounter — by touching yourself, using a sex toy or kissing your partner — and waiting for the positive sexual feelings to come.
Asexuality
It’s important not to confuse low libido for asexuality, which is a type of sexual orientation in which a person experiences low or no sexual attraction.
“An asexual person does not experience sexual attraction — they are not drawn to people sexually and do not desire to act upon attraction to others in a sexual way,” explains the website for the Asexual Visibility and Education Network. “Unlike celibacy, which is a choice to abstain from sexual activity, asexuality is an intrinsic part of who we are, just like other sexual orientations.”
Options for low libido in women
Medical intervention can sometimes help women who are concerned about their lower libido. However, it’s important to note that it’s not usually the first option, as low sex drive can have a large range of causes, such as psychological issues like past trauma or even health issues like vaginismus. Once those are ruled out, a doctor may work with you to find a medical treatment that can help boost your libido.
Addyi
Flibanserin, the brand name for which is Addyi, has been approved by the Food and Drug Administration only for premenopausal women. Clinical studies show that after eight to 12 weeks it does boost the desire to have sex, according to Dr. Lauren Streicher, professor of obstetrics and gynecology at Northwestern University’s Feinberg School of Medicine. The medication must be taken daily and works by addressing the neurotransmitters that play a role in sexual desire; it’s not an instant fix.
Vyleesi
Vyleesi, the brand name of bremelanotide, is also FDA-approved to help women with low libido. However, unlike Addyi, Vyleesi is an on-demand drug that works via injection into the thigh or abdomen within 45 minutes. According to Verywell Health, Vyleesi is a melanocortin receptor that works by activating “certain natural substances in the brain that affect mood and thinking.”
Testosterone
While testosterone is not FDA-approved for the purpose of increasing one’s sex drive, Streicher tells Yahoo Life that testosterone can be safe and effective, as long as you go to a practitioner who can get the dosage correct “so you don’t get side effects or hair growth and acne.”
“You don’t want to borrow your male partner’s testosterone, as women need about one-tenth of testosterone levels,” she notes.
You may have heard that oysters are an aphrodisiac. The reason? Oysters are high in zinc, a crucial trace mineral for testosterone production. Shellfish like clams and crabs are also high in the mineral, as are cashews, beans, tofu and leafy greens.
Libido gummies and supplements
You may have seen products on the market like libido gummies that claim to give your sex drive a boost. Sometimes products contain ingredients that can support feelings of relaxation, such as ashwagandha. L-arginine, an amino acid that helps keep blood vessels open, is also popular in libido supplements. However, experts are skeptical that they can really do much for the libido.
Dr. Tiffany Pham, an ob-gyn and a medical adviser for female health app Flo Health, previously told Yahoo Life that though there is some “promising research” on certain supplements, studies are “limited in their scope and their ability to be applied to a broader patient population.” Before taking any supplement, you should consult with your doctor to see if it's right for you, especially if you are already taking medications that may interact.
Orgasmic disorder, or anorgasmia
In women, orgasmic disorder, or anorgasmia, refers to “delayed, infrequent or absent orgasms — or significantly less-intense orgasms — after sexual arousal and adequate sexual stimulation,” per the Mayo Clinic.
There are many reasons why orgasm may be elusive, even if you are sufficiently aroused and want to have sex. That can include medications, such as selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs). Pain disorders associated with sex, such as dyspareunia, or painful intercourse, or vaginismus, in which penetration is painful due to involuntary contracting of the vaginal muscles, can make it challenging to orgasm as well. Psychological issues, especially when one feels a sense of shame around sex, can also be a factor.
One way sex therapists treat orgasmic disorder is by encouraging their patients to practice masturbation techniques before they try sex with a partner.
“The most essential step to orgasm with a partner is getting the same type of stimulation as you get alone,” Mintz previously told Yahoo Life. “Women who bridge that gap are more orgasmic with a partner. I often tell my clients that there is no masturbation technique that can't be transferred to partner sex with creativity and communication.”
Hyposexual desire disorder and female sexual interest/arousal disorder
Some women want to have sex, but struggle to experience desire. This was previously defined as hyposexual desire disorder, or HSDD, but the diagnosis was removed from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders in 2013. Since then, it has been replaced with the diagnosis of female sexual interest/arousal disorder (FSIAD). Some therapists, however, still use the term, while others, such as Mintz, prefer to use terms like “diminished desire” to describe individuals who struggle with a lack of sex drive.
As with anorgasmia, there are many things that can impact a woman’s sexual desire, be it the use of certain medications, physical issues or psychological blocks. However, some women may think they have diminished desire, when in reality, they are simply moving from spontaneous desire to responsive desire.
“It’s normative for one’s desire to decrease both with age and the length of a relationship,” Mintz says. “A lot of people don’t know that, and they say, ‘Oh, my gosh, what’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with my relationship?’ But if more people knew this, they would be less upset.”
