Queer Folks Are Sharing The Unwritten Rules They Follow That Most Straight People Are Clueless About, And It's Eye-Opening
It's no secret that LGBTQ+ folks are forced to walk through life differently than straight people.
So we recently asked the LGBTQ+ people in the BuzzFeed Community to tell us the rules they follow that most straight people don't know about. Here's what they had to say:
1."We live in the Deep South. We avoid any and all kinds of PDA. We don't have the luxury of kissing each other goodbye, holding hands, or any other sign that we love each other."
–Anonymous
2."Referring to my wife in neutral language like 'my partner' around people I'm uncertain about for the sake of my safety. And not correcting when they start using male pronouns for her until I'm dead certain they're a safe person."
"It really stresses me out if I'm with a straight person who knows me and outs me before I've determined the safety of a stranger. It shows they've really not had to think about why I might be doing this or the risks to my safety."
3."Having to think twice about somewhere I want to visit. Is it safe enough for me to go there? Will I be illegal there?"
–Anonymous
"When traveling internationally, we're always worried about our safety. If suddenly asked why we’re on one tab or why we have the same last name, we’re 'just sisters.'"
–Anonymous
4."Being careful about who you tell at work. Sure, they can’t legally fire you for being gay, but they can come up with other supposed reasons to get rid of you, pass you over for promotions, or make your job so unbearable that you quit."
5."We have to research and vet any sort of service provider before hiring them and ask if they’re willing to work with a same-sex couple. Whether it’s a contractor, real estate agent, photographer, tattoo artist, or wedding venue."
–Anonymous
6."Choosing workplaces, schools, and neighborhoods based on how safe they are for queer people. We don’t have the privilege of just moving somewhere because it’s pretty or affordable. Our safety depends on it."
–Anonymous
7."As a gay man, I leave the room every time donating blood comes up. Stop asking if I'll go with you. I'm banned from doing so because I'm assumed to be a major risk for HIV."
–Anonymous
8."I will not stop at an exit while driving if they do not have more than two brand hotels. As a butch-presenting lesbian, I do not feel comfortable getting off the exit to use the restroom unless it is a moderately populated area."
–Anonymous
9."I'm a queer woman, and I've been married to a cis man for over a decade. We move a lot for our jobs, and whenever we move into a new neighborhood, we wait at least a few weeks before putting up our Pride flag."
"I used to say I didn't care, but that was before the multiple incidents of property damage and harassment. Now that we have kids, we're debating if we should even put it up at all – we don't want to put them in danger."
–Anonymous
10."When visiting certain places, I change my phone's wallpaper. Right now, it's my same-sex partner. But when I'm traveling, I switch it to a nature image — something innocuous that roving eyes won't scrutinize — just in case."
–Anonymous
11."As a gay man, I talk in a lower, deeper voice in an Uber, out in public, etc. People generally view deeper men's voices as masculine and more acceptable; you're less of a target."
–Anonymous
12."I think a lot of cis-het people don't recognize the impact that stating your pronouns has. Every time I introduce myself to someone new, there's a second of pure fear where I'm aware that I just outed myself and brought up an issue that's sensitive to everyone. All I can do is wait to see if they're gonna accept me. I shouldn't have to worry about that throughout the day."
–Anonymous
13."As a lesbian, having to be SO careful about what you say or do around straight women you don’t know so they don't say, 'Don’t hit on me' and then 'Well, I don’t understand why you wouldn’t hit on me – Am I not attractive?'"
–Anonymous
14."When arriving at a hotel — depending on the area and if it’s conservative — I just accept the double queen bed they assume we want, even though I specifically booked the king bed for my girlfriend and me."
–Anonymous
15."My partner is trans and stealth because existing as a trans person is still dangerous. We don’t become close friends with straight people unless we get to know them very, very well first and can be assured of their love and allyship."
–Anonymous
16."I used to plaster LGBTQ+ stickers on my car. It’s always nice to show your support and be out and proud. A man once approached me as I was getting into my car with my child, and he screamed violent threats at us. It was terrifying. No more stickers for me."
–Anonymous
17.And finally, "As a nonbinary individual, I never go to the bathroom alone in public if it’s not gender neutral. I have been verbally and physically assaulted in bathrooms, so I either go with my partner, friends, or simply hold it until I’m in a safe place."
–Anonymous
"As a more masculine-presenting queer woman, I often find myself saying something like 'excuse me' or subtly clearing my throat in gendered public restrooms. I do this when passing another woman in an effort to identify myself as female. I adopted this practice after multiple occurrences of women seeing me and then quickly looking for the 'WOMEN' sign on the door or backing out of the restroom entirely. My partner is aware of how uncomfortable it makes me and will accompany me if it’s a heavily trafficked restroom."
–Anonymous
"As a trans woman in the Southern US, public restrooms are a minefield. I try to avoid speaking, and even if I don’t need to, I unroll and waste toilet paper to make sure it sounds as if I am just like everyone else in there."
–Anonymous
Queer folks, what other rules do you follow in your everyday life that straight people might not know about? Share your experience in the comments below.
Some responses have been edited for length and/or clarity.